Quality Start: Coffee And A Cigarette

Let’s just break the ice by saying up front that I’m happy to see you too. I know all of you look forward to Friday mornings because you get an early dose of Happy and I’m happy because I get to see how happy you are at being around my happiness. You’re welcome.

It’s been a great couple weeks for me. I started smoking right around the time of Hef’s birthday. I never realized this, but smoking is awesome. If you don’t currently smoke, you should seriously think about starting. Had I known what I was missing, I totally would have started this a long time ago. The last two weeks at work, I’ve spent more time outside smoking than I’ve spent inside doing actual work. It’s the best. I’ve met 20 or 30 people from my building that I had never met before and most of them are delightful. One day earlier this week, I was standing outside with a handful of people and this hot girl who couldn’t have been older than 22 or 23 walked over and asked if anyone had a lighter she could borrow. I handed her mine and she said thanks. Can you believe that? A hot girl talked to me. She had a nasty cough, but damn she was fine. And had it not been for my countless smoke breaks throughout the week, there’s no way we would have ever met. Thanks cigarettes.

I will now provide you some scores from various sporting events from Thursday night and rank them in order of cultural significance.

#4 North Carolina 77, #15 Ohio State 73: Ohio State was able to take a 14 point North Carolina lead at halftime and shit on it. They said “Look here North Carolina. I don’t respect this lead at all, and this is what I’m going to do.” Then they dropped trou and shat. But it still wasn’t enough as North Carolina held on. Evan Turner looks like he wants to be the best player in the Big Ten, but he coughed the ball up something like 46 times. That’s not how you do it. That’s not how you debate.

#24 Syracuse 95, #12 California 73: This is the game I didn’t actually watch, but based on the score and those rankings, it looks like Syracuse is about to move up into the top 20. Honestly, how was that for analysis? Do you really need me to tell you something specific to the game? Hell no you don’t. Where each team ranks in the polls is all that’s important. /Intern Jace’d

Hornets 110, Suns 103: The Suns realized that Chris Paul wasn’t playing, right? And how even with Chris Paul, the Hornets aren’t a very good team, right? RIGHT? No they obviously didn’t realize those two things because they pretty much just took those two facts and threw them out the window. They said to each other, “hey look, there’s a window. Let’s take these facts and throw them through it.” What a shame. I feel bad for the poor dude who has to replace the fucking window. You just know he’s not getting paid OT for that.

Jazz 90, Spurs 83: I think the Spurs are like 4 and 6 now. Remember when Happy said at the beginning of the season how he couldn’t understand why the national media were picking them to win it all again? Oh you don’t? Well I could prove it by doing a quick search, so you’re lucky I’m lazy. Deron Williams was awesome and Carlos Boozer finally showed up. However, despite Boozer’s good game, he still sucks at basketball overall.

Lakers 108, Bulls Way Less Than That: I watched this game from start to finish. Chicago was outplayed, outcoached, outclassed, out-talented, and out-good-lookinged. It was quite the embarrassment. I’m not sure what Luol Deng’s problem is besides being an overpriced stiff on the basketball court, but…well yeah, I guess I do know the problem then. Kobe was toying with the Bulls the way I’d imagine him to toy with a young hotel desk clerk. He tried out some spin moves, he tried out some stationary moves, he tried some new move where he dunked from a sitting position, and by the end, the Bulls felt like they’d been fucked in the ass. That man’s really good. Said John Salmons after the game, “we’re disappointed in the loss obviously, but we’re all looking forward to the 4 carat diamond studs.” (still topical’d)

Dawpheens 24, Panthers 17: Ricky Williams did what Ricky Williams do, which included 2 rushing TD’s and a receiving one. For Carolina, DeAngelo Williams rushed for 718 yards (figure estimated but just barely), but was only given the ball 13 times. Meanwhile, Jake Delhomme was allowed to throw the ball 42 times. Solid gameplanning.

That’s about it for now. I’m sure there were more things that happened since Thursday nights are packed with television goodness. I stayed up until after 1 am to catch up on stuff and I still have 3 shows that I didn’t get to yet. Wouldn’t it be great if the powers that be would break some of this up and give us something to watch on a fucking Tuesday? Meh.

Enjoy your Friday, my lovely Internet friends.