Quality Start

Today is not a quality start, my friends.  If it were a quality start, I wouldn’t be hacking my lungs up and feeling like I’m sitting in a sauna, but here we are…sweating and coughing.  But despite feeling like absolute shit, things could be worse.  I  actually had a great sports weekend, with the Buckeyes shutting up obnoxious Penn State fans who think their program is worth a shit, and the Browns simply not being on at all.  Huzzah!

But before we start, a quick note to Penn State fans.

You do not have a rivalry with Ohio State.  OSU is 6-2 in the last 8 meetings, every time holding Penn State to 13 or fewer points.  It’s not Ohio State’s fault that teams don’t believe in you…see, you could’ve actually beaten the Buckeyes to keep them from representing the Big 10 in the BCS games, but you’re not good enough.  You’re OSU Jr.  You have fewer national titles, fewer Heisman winners, get worse ratings, have a lower budget and, best of all, don’t win as much.  So before you start clucking around like you’re the big bad boys of the Big 10, maybe you should actually try proving it on the field.

And no matter how hard you want us to take you seriously, you’ll never be as hated as Michigan.  The Michigan game will always be 300x more important than playing your gorgeously clad crew of Appalachian bumfucks, yes, even when Michigan is mired in a multi-game conference losing streak and hasn’t beaten OSU since 2003.

It’s cute seeing you guys have a competitive program every three or four years, but that doesn’t mean OSU fans actually give a shit.  So keep leaving your precious “white outs” early after the Buckeyes rape you…it’s endearing.

Golf: Before we get to the gridiron goodness, let’s check out the last time we’ll see Tiger until around Christmas.  Well, to be honest, he’d probably want us to ignore it as he flubbed around Sheshan in Shanghai in the WGC HSBC Champions event.  What an event this was…Tiger was in the hunt, budding star Nick Watney was slangin’, Ernie Els shot a final round 63 to take the clubhouse lead and the leaderboard was about as stacked as any event on the PGA Tour this season.

But the biggest story is one, Phil Mickelson, who looks like the best golfer on the planet right now.  There isn’t anyone putting better and even though the driver remains skittish, Mickeltits led the field in greens in regulation.  Playing in the final round with Eldrick, Phil put his foot down and gave Tiger absolutely no room to breathe, hitting seemingly every shot close and draining every putt he saw.  Very impressive stuff.  Now…onto shit ya’ll care about.

BYE 3, Browns 0: The Browns couldn’t take advantage of a bevy of mistakes by BYE, as Eric Mangini was thoroughly outcoached by a fictional coach that doesn’t exist.  Hey Eric Mangini…FUCK YOU.

Washington 17, Atlanta 31: Washington is an unbridled mess.  If I didn’t hate every single thing about the Redskins other than their uniforms with the red pants and the white striped socks THAT THEY NEVER FUCKING WEAR, I’d feel bad for Jim Zorn.  Michael Turner is beasting it right now, gaining almost 10 yards per carry with a couple of scores…Atlanta might be really good next year.

Baltimore 7, Cincy 17: I feel awful for you if you watched this game.  It was like watching a couple of retards try to hump a doorknob…only with worse uniforms and not a single shred of class between either team.

Tennessee 34, SF 27: He may not be any good, but all Vince Young does is win games.

/please ignore the fact that Chris Johnson is the best RB in the NFL

If you watched these games, you’re a fuckin’ masochist: Detroit 20, Seattle 32.  KC 21, Jax 24.

SD 21, New Jersey Giants 20: MARMALARD, FTW!!!

Arizona 41, Chicago 21: THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!

i.e. a team with a fucking terrible OL and a defense that’s a shell of what it was four years ago.

Miami 17, NE 27: Pretty interesting game.  NE still gets to be the stage that all the Wildcat tricks are unveiled upon, and even though the rest of the league is not creative at all when utilizing this tactic, Miami continues to do it really, really well.  Sure, NE pretty much beat up the DOWFEENS!!!, but considering the lack of talent Miami has on offense, the Wildcat is not only effective, but actually a credible offensive wrinkle.  Could you imagine how awful this team would be WITHOUT the Wildcat?  Dear lord…they’d be fucking terrible.

Rest of the scores here.

Have a nice day everybody.