It’s Michigan Week. The Game, if you will. I never, ever, never talk smack leading up to a game, let alone The Game. It’s unbecoming for someone of my priviliged background and intellect to prattle on about how The Ohio State d-line is going to gang-rape (Hef, where’s the Gang-Rape tag?) Mich-again’s offensive front, or how Terrelle Pryor is going to… SEE! This is why tOSU fans shouldn’t be saying shit leading up to The Game. As a fan of the various Ohio and Cleveland-area teams, I know that:
1. A variable or two always bites us in the ass
2. Any given Saturday or Sunday blah, blah, blah
3. We’re Ohio. We are magnets for teh suck.
So in order to reverse all of the potential bad mojo caused by my Buckeye Brethren [cough] spencer [/cough], I thought I’d do a little undercover investigation into just how inbred and disgusting we really, really, really are. We sent our very own Sr. Pee-Pee Correspondent, Rob Riggle, back to the campus of The Ohio State University to investigate a little something we like to call Michigan Week’s traditional “The Mirror Lake Jump”.
Rex: Rob, it looks awful crazy down there! Can you hear me okay?
Rob: No problem, John Rex. It’s loud, fun, booze-fueled, and full of half-naked Vegas 5’s, or as the kids here like to say, “Michigan Eleventy’s”!
Rex: In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve completed The Mirror Lake Jump. Mirror Lake is The Ohio State equivalent of Notre Dame’s reverential Grotto or Penn State’s Nittany Lion statue. Special places where graduation photos are taken and countless marriage proposals have been made. So is there anything new you’ve uncovered or was this just an excuse for you to tell everyone you’re Steve Carrell and scam Zima’s from star-crossed coeds?
Rob: Glad you asked, Rex. It seems that Ohio State University’s Mirror Lake and a baby pool have a lot in common.
Rex: How so, Rob?
Rob: “Interesting results from last year’s study include a lake-wide temperature increase of approximately 3 degrees Fahrenheit during the course of the night and an ammonia spike around 1 in the morning,” according to Steve Goldsmith, who I just spoke to, a postdoctoral research associate.
The temperature increase could be chalked up to warm-blooded people standing in a cold lake, Goldsmith told me. But, yes, that ammonia spike means exactly what you think it means.
That’s right, Rex. Urine.
Rex: I must say, Rob, that I’m quite shocked by this revelation. Is there anything that can be done about it?
Rob: Nope. These kids are disgusting, but fuck it, Rex. Booze, beer, babes, blowies, bongs, and bacteria are the foundation for any education. However, Goldsmith said he doesn’t want to stop anyone from jumping in, though he does advise taking a shower afterward.
“Have fun, but don’t open your mouth.”
Rex: Words to live by, Rob. Words to live by.
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Note: Anything italicized may, or may not, be from The Columbus Dispatch. Who’s really to say?
Great, high-res shot of The Mirror Lake Jump.
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And just because it feels so blissfully tacky and pee-related:
Looks like the worlds largest sausage fest.
Dear Ohio and Michigan,
Believe that I’m not overstating it when I say: no one fucking gives a shit. You could very well be hyping the upcoming ASU/UA game. That’s how little this game means.
Sincerely,
Hef
p.s. At least there will be awesome weather at the ASU/UA game.
Dear Hef,
You’re gay. Keep your opinions to yourself.
Sincerely,
Michigan and Ohio
And plenty of eye candy
Fuck yeah.
Okay, this post was funny. Nice work, rex.
Still don’t give a shit.
Dear Hef,
I disagree.
Sincerely,
ABC’s Coverage Map
I would like to go to this game one day.
/drops yet another hint to Rex and Paris
next year, clown. book it. now.
/provides the tailgate
//paris provides the ticket
Funny map, but I would be slightly further east.
/adjusts monocle
/that guy’d
Maybe Gonzo will buy you a ticket for your stupid MLJ gift exchange. Tickets can’t run more than $20-$30 right?
I went in 2005. Had fun. I’d rate the environment slightly higher than a good Tuesday night MAC matchup.
Is that because it was too cold for jorts?
Great coverage map. You left out the Red circle in Boston for “Hef’s dad ordering another bride.”
Sure, the six B’s all improved by the six P’s — prior practice prevents piss poor performance.
That coverage map is pretty flawless.
I saw a homeless person at my library the other day wearing an Ohio State hat. I wondered what year he graduated from OSU. Zing.
Go Blue