NFL Power Rankings: Week 9

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

Last week I ordered the teams by their record because Colin Cowherd said on his radio show that every NFL record right was an accurate representation of each team’s ability. But he hasn’t said anything new regarding the ordering of talent so I left them in the same order as last week.  I stand by my decision.

1. Indianapolis: One of these days the Colts will lose and it their bubble will pop and I’ll let everyone know I was right all along. Even if it isn’t until next year or if Peyton gets injured I will make sure to let everyone know that I was right and this team isn’t perfect. You’ll see. You’ll all see. [high pitched giggle which sounds like a maniacal laugh in my imagination]
2. New Orleans: It’s a good thing that the Saints don’t get graded on how bad they played in a single half or else they would be in dead last.  Who’s the MVP now, Drew?
3. Minnesota: I’m so glad that the Vikings had the week off because I’m so tired of those media types overhyping Brett Favre.  I hate Brett Favre.  And I hate people that talk about him at every opportunity.
4. Denver: Couldn’t beat the Steelers at home, huh?  Well join the club, pal.  Get it?  It’s a union joke.  I’m pretty funny.
5. Philadelphia: Those Eagles just don’t know how to win.  Don’t they know that part of winning is paying the refs enough to keep the game fair?  Amateurs.
6. Cincinnati: Cedric Benson has been playing really well. I guess it is true what they say: You can take the criminal out of the kitchen, but you can’t take the chef out of the heat. Or something. I was never good with euphemisms. [chokes on air.]
7. Dallas: Terrance Newman is the most overrated CB in football. I’m so glad I passed on the Cowboys’ defense in fantasy.
8. Pittsburgh: I like Big Ben.  He’s the kind of QB you don’t have to think about to understand.  And I like that…not thinking.
9. New England: I hate the Patriots so much that of course I root for them from time to time.  It throws them off guard.  Like that time I gave Tom Brady a beej.  He didn’t know what to think.  Psych out!
10. Houston: Where do I send my fantasy football complaint mail regarding this Moats fella?  I picked him up under the pretense (that’s lawyer talk) that he would duplicate last week’s performance but he only ran for 38 yds with no TD.  Life is so not fair.
11. Giants: 4 losses in a row in New York?  Don’t they understand that the media criticism here is so tough that the Giants have no shot of winning another game now?  This is the Big Apple.  You gotta be tough to live here.  [peeks out window at Dominican mailman across the street]
12. Ravens: First they win, then they lose, then they win, then they lose; hey Baltimore, pick a label and stick with it.
13. Packers: More like Pack-it-in’ers, amIright? Just a sickening display by their fans. Not even one arrest for assault with a deadly weapon the ENTIRE game. Some fans…
14. Chargers: Dun Dun Dun DUN DUNDUN – CHARGE! (That song is in my ipod – I use it for calf raises)
15. Bears: I don’t have a problem with a defender punching another player in the helmet with his hand.  It shows he cares about winning.  And if he happens to do it right in front of a ref, well then he was keeping it real and taking it to the next level, and telling it like it is.  What I’m saying is, “talk to the hand, biotch!”
16. Cardinals: I’m glad the Giants keep losing so that I don’t have to be impressed with the Cardinals victory in NY 3 weeks ago.  It’s always easier when you can just say, “The Cardinals?  Don’t they play in St. Louis?” as a total awesome burn instead of having to watch small market teams.
17. Atlanta: This Michael Turner kid deserves more publicity for Rookie of the Year.  I’ve never seen a player I’ve never heard of before dominate like he did this Sunday.
18. Jets: I love the Jets so much that of course I root for them all the time.  It keeps them on guard.  Like that time I gave Mark Sanchez a beej.  He enjoyed it more than I did.  Psych out — I loved it!
19. Niners: Seriously, how is it possible that 18 teams are .500 or above?  I may not be good at math or reading or logic or science or politics or knitting or basketball or blogging or having a deep voice or wearing suits that fit but that don’t make no sense.  Ooohhh….90210 is on.
20. Dolphins: I’m surprised the Wildcat hasn’t been incorporated by every single team in the league considering how successful the Dolphins have been.
21. Panthers: After watching them this season, it is quite apparent that Julius Peppers is souring on his teammates. Methinks he is going to pursue those NBA dreams of his.  Maybe with LeBron on the Knicks? Just sayin’
22. Jaguars: I don’t know what is wrong the people of Jacksonville. I understand unemployment is high in the Florida panhandle, but anytime you get a chance to pay $80 to see someone named MoJo you have to do it. I love cool nicknames.
23. Bills: First TO, then Mike Vick, Let me tell you I might have to consider rooting for this team if that happens. They are going to be super good.
24. Redskins: Running Back is the 2nd most important position for a football team, so with Clinton Portis out, this team has to think about signing Larry Johnson.
25. Seahawks: Last week we forgot to even write something for this team.  This week, we didn’t forget.
26. Raiders: Bitches used to make my Kool-aid and my dick up her ass. Then I threatened to kill her…FML
27. Yankees: #27, bitches!!!  I haven’t been this happy since the last time they were good and I was a fan.  Hey, whatever happened to Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius?  Are they still on the team?
28. Titans: If Vince Young isn’t proof to how important a Quarteback is to winning games, I don’t know what is.

29. Lions: We cannot condone that eye-gouge by Spikes. That’s just bush. Goodell should step in and suspend him for at least 4 games.
30. Rams: This is a bad team, and the fans quit showing up. I know contraction is out of the question, but I believe a move is definitely in order. Wouldn’t this be the perfect candidate for LA’s new team? How could this go wrong? I can picture Steven Jackson living it up in that scene now…

31. Browns: When was the last time the Browns had two consecutive Sundays without a lost?  Facts are facts.  Playoffs could be in their future.
32. Bucs: This Josh Freeman kid looks for real. I can’t wait to pick him up off the waiver wire in fantasy.