NFL Power Rankings: Week 8

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

Yesterday Colin Cowherd said on his radio show that every NFL record right now is an accurate representation of each team’s ability.  I personally think that the Cowboys and Jets are far better than their record but I really want him to talk about me in a way that doesn’t make me sound retarded again so I’ve decided to just make my rankings the exact order of the standings.  It’s much easier that way.

1. Indianapolis: One of these days the Colts will lose and it their bubble will pop and I’ll let everyone know I was right all along.  Even if it isn’t until next year or if Peyton gets injured I will make sure to let everyone know that I was right and this team isn’t perfect.  You’ll see.  You’ll all see.  [high pitched giggle which sounds like a maniacal laugh in my imagination]
2. New Orleans: If Drew Brees is an MVP candidate how come nobody’s ever heard of him?  For my money, Reggie Bush is the best player on the Saints.  Did you see how hot he was on Monday night?  He earned every inch of those 3 rushing yards.
3. Minnesota: I was out to dinner last night and on the TV behind me in the restaurant was the Vikings/Packers game. Three guys looked up from their meals to watch Favre return to Lambeau. It was magical. You should have been there.
4. Denver: They would have been higher if Jay Cutler was still on the team. That loss is a season changer.
5. Philadelphia: The Eagles have won more games after 8 weeks than they won last season through 8 weeks.  The reason? Michael Vick. Facts are facts people.
6. Cincinnati: I want to shake Carson Palmer’s Dad’s hand. Any guy that can produce two NFL quarterbacks is a special guy. I don’t think that has ever happened before.
7. Dallas: For all those haters of Tony Romo, look at him now. His A-Rod like game was payback for that playoff loss in 2006. Who says Romo isn’t clutch?
8. Pittsburgh: I‘ve been told that this is an accurate representation of Steelers fans, so much so that I will never root for them again.  Football is about celebrating attractive people.
9. New England: It kills me that I have to list these cheating cheaters so high.  New York fans hate cheaters.  Especially fair weather Yankees fans.
10. Houston: Not only did I already pick up Moats for my fantasy team but I full expect him to duplicate his performance against the Colts next week.  6th place, here I come.
11. Giants: Thank god for the Giants.  If not for their awful performance this week, more people would be making fun of heart throb Mark Sanchez.  He’s an angel straight from heaven.
12. Ravens: I’m surprised the NAACP hasn’t protested the Ravens mascot.  It’s a black bird that eats dead carcasses.  I’m surprised they didn’t also dress it in a gorilla costume holding a 40.
13. Packers: More like Pack-it-in’ers, amIright? Just a sickening display by their fans. Not even one arrest for assault with a deadly weapon the ENTIRE game. Some fans…
14. Chargers: Dun Dun Dun DUN DUNDUN – CHARGE! (That song is in my ipod – I use it for calf raises)
15. Bears: Cutler is so erratic I don’t know what to make of him. He must be having sleepless nights with those bags under his eyes.
16. Cardinals: The Cardinals are 1-3 at home in what I’m told is a tax payer funded stadium.  I’m going to write a letter to an Arizona senator or king or something to see if I can get everyone a refund.
17. Atlanta: I like Matty Ice because he has a working man’s nickname, a blue collar nickname.  A name that helps me realize that he’s a hard worker like Peyton or Tom Brady and not a lousy no good thug like JaMarcus and McNabb.
18. Jets: Sanchise + Braylon = Montana & Rice. If I haven’t been rooting for this team since 1986 I would most likely have started this season.
19. Niners: This is the first team on the list with a losing record.  Is that mathematically possible?
20. Dolphins: Considering the Dolphins unparalleled success I’m surprised more teams haven’t given up on their failed offensive schemes in favor of the Wildcat.  I’m looking at you, Colts.
21. Panthers: Jake Delhomme proved that 13 interceptions through 6 games mean nothing if you really want to win.  His coaches were able to remind him that winning is better than losing.  That’s what a good coach does.  [turns on Rudy]
22. Jaguars: This team confuses me. One week they look great against a good team and the next week they’re losing to a winless Titans team. They need to stop giving so many carries to their RB and start letting David Garrard do what he does best, which is make plays.
23. Bills: If you are going to bring in TO you have to know he is going to be a distraction. Personally, I blame his attitude for the entire season. Poor Dick Jauron.
24. Redskins: I love the direction this team is going in. Anytime the tight end can marry a cheerleader I can find a picture of, you know bright things are in their future.
25. Seahawks
26. Raiders:I know some people are on Tom Cable for breaking his assistant’s jaw and beating women but really what do you expect? He is a Raider. It’s the price you pay for victory. Just win baby!
27. Lions: With the auto industry suffering such a massive downturn it’s a wonder that these Michigan teams haven’t stepped it up a notch to give the people of Detroit something to root for.  Am I the first person to suggest this?
28. Titans: What’s more surprising, that the Titans are 1-6 this season after starting last year 13-3 or that I was actually able to find out what the Titans record was last year without having to ask someone for help?
29. Florida Gators: We cannot condone that eye-gouge by Spikes. That’s just bush. Goodell should step in and suspend him for at least 4 games.
30. Rams:
Raymond from Everybody Loves Raymond. The Brother makes me sad.
Artie Lange. His pics make me laugh every Friday.
Mexican which is a word that is racist.
Stern as in Howard who has Artie Lange on his show who gives me funny pics every Friday that make me laugh.
31. Browns: Rodney Harrison on NBC says the Browns should “cut” Derek Anderson. Get a clue, Rodney. You simply cannot replace a guy that tall.
32. Bucs: I watched Monday Night Football for the first time this season and was stunned to see John Gruden in the broadcast booth.  Isn’t that a conflict of interest?