List!

In honor of Thanksgiving, the top 10 things I’m thankful for on today, the greatest of holidays.

11. Joe Flacco:

10. Rainbow 6: Vegas 2 for XBox 360: I’m a self-admitted video game nerd and have come to grips with this.  THAT SAID, I’m thankful for the absolute pwn-ery of a game that makes me feel what it’s like to be John Rambo without having to move from my glorious mini futon that I call my throne.  I enjoy the countless hours I spend waxing terrorists with the AI of a retarded extra from a Jean Claude Van Damme movie talking about how Modern Warfare 2 isn’t worth the money with fellow nerds like myself.

9. The word “fuck:” Shit, I’m happy for you and imma let you finish, but fuck is the greatest expletive of all time.  OF ALL TIME.  I’m also thankful for the hilariously outdated Kanye meme, one which I’m the last remaining person on earth to find funny.

8. The current seasons of Always Sunny and South Park: It’s been awhile since I’ve religiously watched a TV show other than the Golf Channel’s Big Break, but the two current seasons of these shows have been absolutely top notch.  I really don’t know where  I’d be right now if I didn’t have “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!” abortion jokes and, “FUCK AH YOU DOWFEEN!!!” in my life.

7. Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Rory McIlroy, Sean O’Hair, Hunter Mahan, Steve Stricker and, yes, Sergio Garcia: I know you all hate golf, but for my money, these guys provide the most consistently mind blowing athletic (yes athletic) performances you’ll ever see.  Golf is my favorite sport in the world and the game has never been as good as it is now in terms of quality of play.  If you’ve ever put a ProV1 on the tee yourself and then watched these guys later that afternoon, you can truly appreciate how special all of these guys’ talents are.  It’s a treat to be a golf fan in today’s age of advanced media coverage, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity I get to watch these guys tee it up on assorted weekends every summer.

6. Joe Thomas, Josh Cribbs and Shaun Rogers: Watching the Browns this year has been a trying experience to say the least.  But through the copious layers of pigskin placenta Eric Mangini has ensconced the team in, one of the few bright spots has been watching these three guys play their asses off even though there’s little motivation thanks to the anchor that is the rest of the Browns.  Thomas has been absolutely mind blowing, becoming a punishing run blocker to augment his elite pass blocking skills while Cribbs and Rogers (surprisingly) have gone all out on every play even though, more often than not, they know the end result won’t be a good one.  These guys deserve better than to have an extra from the Sopranos coach their team.

5. The usual shit: Job, buddies, coworkers, harmless plant that does nothing other than enhance your mellow, Kodiak Wintergreen, blue Monster energy drinks, HD TV, health, my dog Indy, Tiger Woods again, and most importantly, my mom, dad, sister, my cousins, my grandparents and the rest of my awesome, awesome family who I don’t show nearly the appreciation on a daily basis.  Call me sappy or a fah go, or whatever, but one of the few things I genuinely care for, and truly love is my family.

4. Thanksgiving the holiday: It’s my favorite holiday of the year.  This year, I won’t quit until I top 4,000 calories.  And then I’ll have pie.

3. The “fun times in Cleveland TODAY!” video: Nothing in the past year has given me as much simultaneous laughter and civic pride as that youtube.  Sure, it was a tad demeaning, but hey man, that’s Cleveland, ya hurd?

2. LeBron James, Jim Tressel and the Terrelle Pryor “armpunt” photoshop: Yes, this has been bojack’d up enough already, but I don’t care, and it’s not like anyone is going to read this anyways so fuck it, right?  I love LeBron James more than any other athlete alive and am thankful for the opportunity I’ve had to watch him from his high school days to where he is now.  It’s going to suck when he leaves, but I’ll never forget, and always appreciate, the chance I’ve had to witness (no pun intended) such a great player (not going to turn this into any argument…he’s just damn fun to watch 82+ nights per year).

And for as much grief as Tressel has caused me the past few January’s (and assorted fall Saturday’s), I appreciate what he’s done for Ohio State’s football program, building them into a consistent winner and a source of pride for all Ohioans.  Sure, you all hate him, but aside from Urban Meyer and Nick Saban, there isn’t another coach I’d want other than the vest.

As for the “arm punt” picture?  Come on, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.  Funny because it’s true.

1. Major League Jerk: And the final thing I’m thankful for is the opportunity to spread my filth to such an occasionally receptive audience.  I love this site, love writing for it (even though I have no, how do you say, writing ability), and love the collective effort of such a gloriously assembled group of motherfuckers that makes me laugh my ass off and forget that my soul is being gradually crushed while I languish behind a monitor for 8 hours per day.

I hetero love you, fake internet friends.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!