Joe Flacco Watches Film

Scene:  Ravens HQ prior to last weekend’s Colts game.

Cam Cameron: Joe, watch this.  See how the Colts LB’s blitz hard into the A gaps? It’s extremely effective because when you face Indy, your OL splits spread out and holes in the middle open up.  But this isn’t Indy’s MO, even with the new defensive philosophy they’ve changed to, so while a screen to Ray could open up, you have to make sure that the LB’s don’t feign the blitz and cover the middle.  It should be pretty easy to spot as you’ll have a wide open view of both LB’s blitzing due to the larger gaps in the protection.

Cam Cameron: Joe, did you hear me?

Cam Cameron: Joe, this is important.  We’re going to see this alignment again, I guarantee it.  It’s about as simple of a read as you’ll ever get.  If you don’t see a blitz coming into your face, you have to go to your second read and hit Mark or Derrick, who’ll be sitting in the soft spots of the zone.  Don’t just assume that Ray is going to be open when you see the LB’s in the A gaps…they blitzed against the Patriots, but we’re going to be keeping Ray in instead of splitting him into the slot.

Cam Cameron: I really have no idea if I’m getting through to you or not.

Cam Cameron: Fuck it, Joe.  Just fuck it.  I swear to God, though, if you fucking throw into coverage and not even attempt to go through your progression, we’re going to seriously think about benching you.  You’re hurting the team, you’re hurting your offense, and frankly, you’ve regressed a shitload as the season has gone on.

Cam Cameron: I wish I was back with the DOWFEENS!!!

Scene:  Fourth quarter of the Colts vs. Ravens game…2:42 left…Ravens marching down the field into Colts territory and are set up perfectly to take the game into their hands.

John Harbaugh: Cam…I think we’ve set the Colts up for that screen to Ray.

Cam Cameron: John, I’m really not comfortable with it.  I just have a bad feeling about this and Derrick’s been tearing up the Colts all day.  Lets just get him on a comeback and hit the soft spot by the sideline.  It’s guaranteed to work.

John Harbaugh: Oh, I’m sorry Cam, I didn’t realize you were the head coach.  I mean, if we wanted to go 1-15, maybe.

Cam Cameron: That was unnecessary, John.

John Harbaugh: You want to take a swing at me?  Get in line.  Speaking of getting in line, why don’t you and call the fucking play I told you to.

Cam Cameron: I had no idea you were such an asshole John.

John Harbaugh: I had no idea you were such a pussy.  Oh wait, yes I did…like when you cowered in front of Peezy when he said something to you on the DOWFEENS!!! plane.

Cam Cameron: What the fuck, John.  And what makes you qualified to call plays anyways?  The most coaching you ever did was on fucking special teams.  I turned this slack jawed yokel you insist on playing over Heisman Trophy winner, and all around great guy, Troy Smith, into a passable QB and even convinced people that he was making progress towards being respectable.

John Harbaugh: Touché, Cam.  But this is my show and I’m calling the shots, so fuck off.  Plus, this isn’t about us anyways.  This is about Joe.  This whole interlude has gone on entirely way too long.

Scene:  Ravens huddle.

Derrick Mason: Aw yea, it’s Colt fuckin’ time.  Gimme the ball Joe.

Derrick Mason: The fuck’s with this shit again?

Mark Clayton: Ok…coach just sent in the play.  We’re running the screen to Ray.  What’s the count, Joe?

Mark Clayton: Joe?

Derrick Mason: Fuck this shit.  I shoulda stayed retired.

Ray Rice: It’s going to me, so fuck it…we’ll go on one.

Scene:  Ravens running the play.  The Colts LB’s line up in the A gap, just like they did against the Patriots on the famous 4th and 2 play.  The ball is hiked.

Cam Cameron: Nice.  The Colts are blitzing. I totally saw this on film.

Cam Cameron: Ok…I knew they’d be faking the blitz.

Derrick Mason: JOE!!!  I’M WIDE THE FUCK OPEN!!!  I’M IN THE SOFT SPOT THAT EVERY SINGLE COVER 2 DEFENSE CAN BE EASILY FUCKED!!!  THROW ME THE FUCKING BALL AND WE WIN THE FUCKING GAME!!!

Cam Cameron: NO!!!

Derrick Mason: NO!!!

John Harbaugh: SPECIAL TEAMS!!!

Ray Lewis: I STABBED A GUY!!!

T-Sizzle: FUCK YOU BRADY QUINN!!!

Eric Mangini: THROW IT TO RICE!!!

Terrelle Pryor: ARM PUNT!!!

Cam Cameron: Wait, what?

Joe Flacco: Heh…I missed you Troy.

Jim Harbaugh: Can someone please explain to me how the fuck Troy Polamalu got out there?

This post was written in loving memory of the three weeks where people actually thought that Joe Flacco wasn’t a staring down, worthless pile of shit.  RIP those memories.  But then again, it feels good to have things back to normal.  All is right with the world…all is fuckin’ right.