The_New_Ben_Roethlisberger copy-790217You know how when you get a fortune cookie it usually says something like, “now would be a good time to be with a loved one” instead of “your mom is going to die in a week so now might be a good time to spend those extra moments with her?” Well, SI.com’s Jim Trotter looked into his “crystal ball” and came up with some of the safest predictions ever made.

1. The Broncos are not going to crash land.

Nothing like ambiguous statements to get the ball rolling. Crash land is an interesting turn of a phrase because it could imply anything. After starting the season 6-0, the Broncos could end up 10-6 which means they would have a losing record after their phenomenal start. Is that crash landing? What if they end up 8-8 or 9-7? Rule 1: Keep your prediction language vague.

2. The Cowboys will be one-and-done in the playoffs.

This isn’t ambiguous but it isn’t very inspired either. Everyone knows that Tony Romo sucks in December and has the worst case of nerves this side of a high school production of “Much Ado About Nothing.”  Next?

3. Vince Young will be the Titans’ QB beyond this season.

Can someone explain to me how this is a “second half” prediction? After the season is over, the half is done, right? And if I had a choice between giving a young prospect another shot versus giving all of my snaps to an over the hill drunk with no future in the league, I’d go with the prospect regardless of his sexuality.

4. New Orleans won’t go undefeated.

Betting against the outcome that has happened twice in the history of the modern era? Bold prediction, Jim. Bold prediction.

5. LaDainian Tomlinson will retire if San Diego wins it all.

Again, how is this a second half prediction? And secondly, this is the silliest one of the lot. Rule 2 for making predictions: Create the unlikliest of scenarios possible and then make a prediction that is contingent upon that unlikely scenario. Here’s a sample: if we find life on the moon next week, I bet it poops gold.

6. The Steelers will not lose another regular-season game.

Now this is a prediction. Let’s see where he goes with it.

The belief among personnel people is you had better beat the Steelers early in the season because they get stronger as the year progresses. Sure enough, the defending Super Bowl champions have won five in a row and look to be finding their rhythm. More eye-opening: The Bengals are the only team left on Pittsburgh’s schedule with a winning record. Scary.

So, the Steelers are getting better in the second half and they will be able to prove that against the easiest remaining schedule in the NFL and all of this is “Scary?” I know nothing about Jim Trotter, but I’m guessing he’s a Pittsburgh homer. Why is that “Scary?” Because regular season record dictates who wins the Super Bowl? I don’t get it.

7. Chris Johnson will continue to dominate highlights.

Back to rule #1: Ambiguous language. Will he have a record year in rushing yards? Will he make ESPN’s top 10 play of the week 5 weeks in a row? What?

8. This will be Anquan Boldin’s final season with Arizona.

How is this a second half prediction?  Did you see them whip the shit out of the Bears without Boldin?  What’s the point?

9. Brett Favre will make a run at the MVP award.

Back to rule #1…again. What does “make a run at the MVP award” mean? Isn’t he already making a run at the award by leading a one loss team? Is he going to throw fewer INTs than he did in last year’s second half? Is he going to stop handing the ball off to AP more so that he can pad his stats? What?

10. Pittsburgh will win the Super Bowl.

Another actual prediction. Notice the only two real predictions are about the Steelers. I now stand firmly by my “Steelers homer” prediction. My question now is, why did he say the Steelers wouldn’t lose a “regular” season game when he meant that the Steelers wouldn’t lose any games this season? Maybe Jim Trotter is retarded.

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