Prior to the start of this year’s NLCS, I found myself rooting for the Dodgers to advance. I don’t particularly care for L.A.’s or Philly’s respective baseball teams, but I knew that a matchup of either the Yankees vs. Dodgers or Angels vs. Dodgers in the Series we call World would be a lot more exciting for casual baseball fans than any combination that involved the Phillies. And if there’s one thing I care about most in life, it’s the peace of mind of casual baseball fans. Alas, the Dodgers have at least one more shot to keep my dream alive; that dream being a World Series matchup that tickles the taint of the masses. So let’s break down this bitch, shall we?
The Dodgers are resting their season on the right shoulder of Vicente Padilla. If someone had told me that at the beginning of the season, I would have called them crazy because the season was just beginning. Also, Vicente Padilla was on the Rangers. Seriously, that information would have made no sense. Then they would have said, “no, I’m here from the future. It’s October 21st and the Dodgers are playing Game 5 tonight against the Phillies. Vicente Padilla was involved in a mid-season trade that brought him over from the Rangers. The Rangers were happy to get rid of him at the time because he rapes women and children on his off-days. Thankfully, Joe Torre bought into his act and everything’s cool now. He’s going up against Cole Hamels.” Then I would have thanked him for the insider info and called my bookie.
Me: “Hi Mom, it’s your baby boy. Put all my money on the Dodgers and Phillies to make the NLCS.”
Mom: “Why do you think that?”
Me: “Because some dude just showed up from the future and he told me.”
Mom: “Why didn’t you just ask him for some Lotto numbers?”
Me: “D’oh”
Unfortunately, none of that actually happened, so this info is pretty much useless in hindsight. Wait what was I even talking about? Oh right, Chip Caray. Hey speaking of Chip Caray, I got a fun drinking game for you tonight as you watch. You ready? Okay here goes: Take a shot every time Chip Caray says the word ‘fisted’ whenever the hell you feel like it. I played that drinking game once in college. I was at a party and I had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a shot glass in the other and every time I felt like it, I took a shot. Oh man, that game got me so wasted. Trust me you’ll love it.
Okay, let’s see what else is on TV this evening:
Watch baseball.
Until next time, remember that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Unfortunately, everyone you know thinks you’re an asshole. Yeah you should really work on that.
Happy’s Mom: Too bad he didn’t tell you this BEFORE the NLCS already started. You’re more worthless than the condom your father wore the night you were conceived.
Uh oh, Triston misunderstood the chronology of some events that didn’t really happen that I made up and critiqued it based on a faulty premise.
Solid job on the critique though.
/because the conversation with my mom happened at the beginning of the season’d
//spent way too much time on this’d
Triston’s just mad because he found out he was going to be the focus of the next Deadspin piece.
Not if I go back to the future and stop it.
triston and shelley smith were covering themselves in pudding in a back room at espn headquarters when stuart scott walked in and pretended to not be looking, even though they both knew he was?
Damn the Broncos are 6-0, not 0-6.
Following the trend of this post, you would go back to the future to 3 weeks after it was posted to stop it.
/right?
//did I do it right?
Fuck the casual fan. When the Phillies arent involved, I don’t care who wins.
Right. And in doing so, altering the events that took place in 1955. Leading to a parallel 1985. I think.
you totally shoulda got some lotto numbers.
When the Phillies aren’t involved, everyone wins.
I went to high school with werth
I went to high school with Ned Stuart.
I went to high school with your mom.
/NL Champ burn
Are we getting another video tomorrow?
do you WANT a new video tomorrow?
No, the last one scared all the insects out of my house the way you intended.
/that was your intention right?
I already have a video complete. But now you can’t see it.