In an effort to give our gigantic brains a rest, we’ve decided to save all of our original content for the work week. On the weekends we will run some of our favorite posts from the past. This post was written in May 2008 but I feel it is somehow relevant now.
I hate many things on this planet. MANY things. I hate them for significant reasons and insignificant ones, it really doesn’t matter, all it takes is one little thing. So, since this is a baseball blog, I’m going to stick to what I hate about baseball and first up in this multi-part series is the Twins.
I’ve hated the Twins as long as I’ve been following baseball, and it’s always been for the smallest shit, which makes me wonder if I truly hate them or just find them to be annoying. Well…um…nope…hate ‘em. The saddest day of my life was when I found out the Twins were not going to be contracted, I think I was 17 at the time and literally cried myself to sleep that evening I was so upset.
First off…the HHH Dome. FUCKING FINALLY you assholes decided to pony up the skrilla to play in an actual stadium. How the fuck dare you force every other major league team to have to play on concrete with all the atmosphere of a homeless shelter’s soup kitchen. I was thinking, originially, that the only place worse was the Trop in Tampa, because it reminds me of a dingy alley, but then I remembered that I’ve had sex in many a dingy alley and the memories are just too fond.
So you guys have a giant Hefty Bag just chillin out there where you don’t have enough fans to fill up seats. Real classy. I do that to my furniture whenever my drunk uncle who pisses himself comes over to visit, but usually when I’m trying to have a nice environment, I try to avoid this technique. Are ya’ll gonna throw up the Hefty in your new stadium too? No really, nothing says “Major League Stadium” quite like having a big garbage bag with a bunch of ads on it. Keep it up.
The root of all my hatred stems from aesthetics. The stadium looks just terrible, the field looks terrible, the Hefty bag looks terrible, the old glass walls looked terrible, but these weren’t the worst offenders…oh no.
When you’re a PROFESSIONAL, you must look PROFESSIONAL. The Twins…sigh…the Twins’ uniforms are so fucking horrendous, they should’ve been contracted for them alone. That, or Selig should’ve done his job correctly and mandated that they wake the fuck up and look good. That ‘M’ logo? Come on, it’s time to get a Big Boy logo now, Twins, enough of this intramural Softball league shit. And don’t even try to come back with the TC logo, which is ONE redeeming quality…but how redeeming can it actually be if you only wear it once per month?
Next order of business…Ron Gardenhire and his team of plucky no-talents. I hate Ron Gardenhire simply because he’s a hard person to like. He’s a dick. And he’s even more of a dick for getting his shitty players to actually try. Normally, this effort is a good thing, but there’s a fine line between inspirational and obnoxious, and the Twins have been on the obnoxious side for a long, LONG time now.
Torii Hunter…love his game now that he’s in Anaheim of Los Angeles. But Torii? Really? Torii? HE’S A VALLEY GIRL! A VALLEY GIRL! OK FINE, FOR SURE, FOR SURE (it’s a Frank Zappa song – seriously people, listen to good music). That name sounds like he likes his meat in the seat. “After the game, I’m gonna blow my game check on SHOES!!!” Fuckin’ Torii.
You know when you play pickup basketball, and there’s ALWAYS that one guy who sucks something fierce, but hustles 100% of the time? Yea, that’s the Twins, and they truly are that annoying. Nick Fucking Punto? Lew Fucking Ford? Come on!!!!! These guys have no business being in the major leagues. Fuck, my dog is bigger than Lew Ford. But they ‘give it their all,’ which translates into being 50% as effective as a real Major Leaguer rather than only 45% as effective. Great job.
So far, I’ve been kinda vague, because I don’t have any real reason to hate the Twins as much as I hate the Tigers or White Sox but this post has been a little bit of a challenge actually…I did it more out of spite than anything. But when I was thinking about the reasons I hated the Twins, it occurred to me…
The Twins are the Indians’ obnoxious little brother.
Think about it…the Tribe was mocked in Major League, which they then parlayed into on-the-field success. They went from lovable losers to a powerhouse franchise in a matter of years. The Twins tried to recapture that Indian magic by being in such great baseball movies like Little Big League and Major League 3: Back to the Minors, but neither worked.
The Twins always just seemed like the Indians’ little brother, the far less talented and smart little brother that tagged along everywhere and tried to be like their Big Bro, but couldn’t do it. The Twins are the dumb, jealous sibling of the much more talented and popular older child, they want everything that the Indians have, but they just can’t get it done, and you know what? It’s fucking annoying.
No older brother likes the younger brother like that, the one who tries REAL HARD to be great but isn’t no matter what they do. But the real reason that I FUCKING HATE the Twins…
…is because they’re the little brother that has a World Series ring…and when you’re the big brother, and your little shitty brother beats you, it’s the worst feeling in the world. ALL my hatred stems from this. It’s MY team that’s the big dog, the team with great seasons and Hall of Famers. It’s MY team that has a long, storied history in the MLB. It’s MY team that has the claim to having the most potent offense of all time. It’s MY team that was the subject of the greatest baseball movie in history (if anyone says The Natural or Field of Dreams you will be smote down by the angry hand of God).
But none of that matters because we don’t have the ring and the Twins do. Imagine how Peyton Manning might feel if he hadn’t won a Super Bowl and Eli had…that’s how I feel about the Twins…deep, seething hatred.
So, Minnesota Twins…go fuck yourselves.
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/Go Twins