Quality Start: Who Dey!

Good morning, friends of teh awesome. I am here to start your day with a preview of all things NFL. Normally in this Sunday space, you would be privvy to a Roman-heavy Fluke York FagD00ds game preview. Not today, though. It’s all Bengals, all the time. Say it with me: w00t!

Today, I will be attending my first ever (!) Cincinnati Bengals National Football League game. /Schlereth’d

As completely awful as the Browns are, I am very worried about this game. Consensus says Bengals will win. The “experts” say Bengals will win. That scares me. The Bengals do not play well with expectations.

All that said, the Browns are truly terrible, and the Bengals SHOULD win this one. Prediction time:

Bengals 28, Horse Balls-led Browns 24 in a nail-biter!

Other NFL action:

Baltimore @ New England: I’m a Boston hater by trade, so normally I would be rooting for the Pats. To add to that, I personally know one of the Ravens players. However, a Ravens loss would do wonders for the Bengals, so F ‘em. Go Brady. Go Moss. /shoots self. Patriots 20, Ravens 17

Dallas @ Denver: Question time. Denver is A) a fraud or B) the fraudiest fraud to ever fraud. If it wasn’t for that ghey dildo Brandon Stroke-me’s miracle catch in week 1, the Bengals would be looking 4-0 square in the eye. FTH?! Cowboys 37, Broncos 20

San Diego @ Pittsburgh: I think Philip Rivers is still underrated. He takes care of the ball, doesn’t do retarded shit, and throws TD passes. Good troika, yeah? On the other hand, Ben Faglisberg “makes shit happen” and “just wins games.” When you hear cliches like that thrown around, you’re probably dealing with a fraud who relies on his defense to win games. Just sayin’. Chargers 27, Stillers 20.

More here.

Forgot to mention: Last night, the Tigers lost, and the Twinkies won. The two teams are now all square headed into game 162. (Lowers voice so as not to jinx it.) We might be witnessing one of the all-time great collapses in the history of professional sports. Something we haven’t seen since these d00ds. (Normal voice.) Enjoy your Sunday, y’all.