Presidents Cup: Football and beisbol in a second, but first, let me flap my patriotic wings for the second year in a row and credit the American team proving once again that our country is the single fuckin’ greatest in the entire fuckin’ world. Fuck you International, whatever country that is, you can’t hold a candle to the greatness that is the United Fuckin’ States.
Tiger Woods and Steve Stricker are an unbeatable combination in team play, and by going 4-0 in their matches paired together, it seems that for the next few Ryder and Presidents Cups, they’re going to be an absolute wrecking ball. Mickelson went 4-0-1. AK and Hunter Mahan continued their strong team play after last year’s Ryder Cup and went 3-1 and 2-2-1 respectively.
Fred Couples and Michael Jordan were the perfect captains on the perfect course, and in the end, you have another classic, epic, glorious Greg Norman choke job where his captain pick, fellow Aussie pile o’ crap Adam Scott went a wonderful 1-4 while other International “stars” Retief Goosen and Camillo Villegas failed to score a single fucking point. HAH! Suck these Yankee Doodle Nuts you faggy Euros Internationals!!!
Angels 7, Red Sox 6: Excuse me for a second, Mr. Papelbon…
YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU DESERVE TO BLOW THE FUCK UP, LOOK LIKE SHIT AND BE COMPLETELY FUCKING DE-PANTSED LIKE THE FUCKING ASSHAT YOU ARE.
Take notes kids…this is what happens when you act like a total fucking douchebag. This is what happens when you throw all notions of class and honor out the fucking window and decide to be the single biggest pile of crap in the entire fucking universe. Do you see? Do you? That’s what happens.
Moral of the story…assholes always get their just desserts and Jonathan Papelbon is the biggest fucking asshole ever. I have this forever saved on my DVR just for Papelbon’s 15 minutes of sheer misery. I want to savor that misery for it is a formidable misery. Oh yes. Beautiful.
Yankees 4, Twins 1: THANK GOD THE FAGGOT DOME IS NO MORE!!!
Fuck the Twins. Fuck Nick Punto. Fuck the Humpy Dome. But most importantly, fuck the Twins.
Why don’t we just contract the Twins? Hell, Selig had his finger on the fuckin’ button, so I mean, it’s not out of the realm of possiblity. Just make it happen. I mean, what’s the fucking point of letting in a team that barely qualifies and then lays a massive fucking egg every time they get in? This is a fucking joke of a franchise…contract the living shit out of them Selig…give the new stadium to the Vikings and it’s win-win.
Phillies 6, Rockies 5: This game happened.
NFL:
Cleveland 6, Buffalo 3: I watched this game and I can tell you with complete honesty that it was the single worst game of NFL football ever played in the history of the league. There was never a worse game ever, of this I am sure, but my question is this…what’s worse…winning this game or losing it? I say winning is worse, because there’s no way that anyone deserved to walk out of there saying they won.
Derek Anderson went 2/17 for 23 yards and an INT. And won. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BRADY QUINN.
Cincinnati 17, Baltimore 14: I was hanging out with my buddy who’s a Bengals fan watching a bunch of the NFL games on his NFL Ticket thingee and we realized something after about 2 hours of insulting each other’s shitty, shitty franchises…we’re brothers, man. BROTHERS! But it’s deeper than that…the AFC North is like Mario. The Browns are obviously Mario, the good, honest smartest, most successful (um…), pussy gettin-est, weed smokin-est member of this strange family and the Bengals are obviously Luigi…the mis-shapen, gross, retarded son that the father didn’t love. Fuck the Ravens and Steelers…they don’t deserve a mention.
All I’m saying is that my animosity towards the Bengals is gone.
Washington 17, Carolina 20: All I want to say is that the Redskins are fucking terrible and should be contracted. CONTRACTED!!!
Dallas 26, KC 20: Same with Dallas, tho this game was incredibly aesthetically pleasing.
Here’s where I list three of the worst teams in history who all got drubbed in incredibly pathetic fashion. And before you yell at me, I totally realize the Browns would be here too if they didn’t get the fortune of playing the Dick Jauron-led Bills, who are easily in the conversation: Oakland, Tampa Bay, St. Louis.
Here’s where I list who respectively drubbed them and who are all, coincidentally, contenders for a deep playoff run: New Jersey Giants, Philly, Minnesota.
Mr. Asses, We’re Going to Need that Crown Back Award: San Francisco.
Indianapolis 31, Tennessee 9: Peyton Manning is ON FY-AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This just in…if your defense runs a Tampa 2 scheme, and you’re playing the Colts, and you DARE show a Cover 2 shell defense before the snap, Peyton Manning will hit his slot WR, be it Dallas Clark, Austin Collie or, upon his return, Anthony Gonzalez, with a post about 20 yards downfield right in between the triangle formed by the MLB and the two safeties, and there will be large chunks of yardage gained, and the play will likely result in points. Don’t be fools. Disguise your coverages and blitz Peyton. That’s the only, slim chance you have at stopping him at this point. He’s simply too fucking good.Have a nice day everyone.
okay, sure – whatever you say.
They played golf this weekend? Didn’t the season just end? I remember Phil winning a tournament and then handing Tiger $10 million and then they laughed and lit the money on fire since it is pocket change. This is the shortest offseason evAr!
It’s a pleasure watching Peyton Manning work.
needs more talk about contraction. CONTRACTION!