NFL Power Rankings: Week 7

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I did it!  I successfully watched two full football games this week!  That’s the most sports I’ve watched in one sitting since that ice dancing competition a few months back that featured Brian Boitano and Sasha Coen.  Whew!  I need a Fresca.

1. Cowboys: Tony Romo and his crew overcame a ton of adversity after being down early (seriously, how many teams have ever won a game after being down 7-0 in the FIRST quarter!!!) but the hottest, least overhyped QB of our generation held the reins tight and won the hell out of that game. What a man.
2. Jets: Mark Sanchez eating a hot dog on the sidelines? Now THAT’S a QB I’m willing to mortgage my future on.
3. Steelers: I don’t care that Big Ben threw for more than 400 yards on only 25 completions, he sealed his elite status when he won that super bowl against seattle.
4. Redskins: Anyone else think last night’s game was another example of the liberal media forcing black quarterbacks down our throats?  There were 3 in last night’s game (Vick, Campbell and McNabb) and all of them were stealing a job from a more qualified white dude.  Attica!  Attica!
5. Ravens: According to a popular website, all Joe Flacco does is stare at people which makes them uncomfortable.  All I want to know is: what kind of car does he drive?
6. Titans: I once took my shirt off at a club.  Well, it wasn’t a club.  It was the Applebees up the block from my house.  That place has the best steak in town.
7. Denver: While thumbing through US Weekly this morning, we noticed a picture of young Falcon sporting a Broncos hat. What a disgrace.
8. Giants: Losing to the Saints is so embarrassing. Thank god no other NY team had an embarrassing loss this week so I can focus my mocking sneers at the Giants.
9. Vikings: Brett Favre’s interception at the end of the game totally wasn’t Brett’s fault.  In fact, none of his interceptions are ever his fault.  But every time he throws a TD, he does so in spite of his receivers.
10. Seattle: I really wish I had come up with the 12th man thing before Seattle did.  But not because I care about football.  I just wish I had done it so that I could make money and schmooze with athletes and famous people.  That’s what sports is all about.
11. Raiders: Here’s how good the Jets are: they dominated a great Oakland team in Oakland, surrounded by all those frightening fans.  Horrifying stuff.
12. Chiefs: I think Matt Cassel just proves that Bill Belichick is a fraud who gets lucky all the time in spite of his poor fashion sense.
13. Rams: I heard there was a lot of uproar over Rush buying the Rams, but I never really liked Tom Sawyer so I am glad they didn’t get it.
14. Saints: At some point New Orleans has to consider making Drew Brees a running back after watching his performance this Sunday.
15. Giants: You know how I know Eli Manning is a winner?  He threw a 62 yard TD pass to Hakeem Nicks that he intended to throw to Steve Smith.  You know how hard that is to do?
16. Texans: This is the kind of team I can get behind: a team that scores a ton of runs but also allows a ton of runs.  Football is only exciting if teams are scoring on every single possession.
17. Bengals: I can’t believe in a team that has a guy named Chad as it’s wide receiver.
18. Cardinals: I didn’t watch the game on Sunday night because I was re-watching last week’s episode of 90210 (this season has been AWESOME), but I’m told their defense looked for real.
19. Falcons: Hard to blame the Falcons for losing on Sunday.  After all they were up against the greatest QB of all time!  That dude banged Sophia Bush who totally doesn’t look like a tranny if you see her in the exact right light.
20. Colts: I’ve got a post already written about Peyton Manning’s inability to win the big game. I’m going to publish it as soon as they lose. Doesn’t matter if it’s a big game. It’ll become big because of the loss.
21. Jaguars: Even though the Jags had a bye week I still started MJD on my fantasy team.  That’s how good that guy is.
22. Jets: The loss of Leon Washington for the year is gonna hurt. The guy was averaging 6 yards per carry on the day before he went down.
23. Patriots: I dropped them a little this week for this reason: most good teams fall into traps when they play weaker opponents like the Titans and the Bucs but the Patriots outscored them by a combined 94-7. Good teams play down to their competition and shitty teams pad their stats. New England, and especially Tom Brady, is garbage.
24. 49ers: Sure San Francisco lost but they outscored the Texans in the second half 21-3.  They should get some sort of credit like they do in hockey.
25. Browns. Cleveland has a baseball team with a charicature of an Indian and a football team full of black dudes called the Browns?
26. Bengals: Carson Palmer went to USC?  How did we not know that.  We know so much about all of our favorite things.  Especially raindrops on roses.
27. Packers: Sure Aaron Rodgers leads Brett Favre in passer rating, yards, yards/attempt, and has fewer INTs, but he doesn’t look like he’s having fun out there.
28. Panthers: Jake Delhomme is probably going to get benched this week in favor of some guy I’ve never heard of.  Not that it matters; I’ve never even heard of Jake Delhomme.
29. Eagles: I consider myself an independent but I think Rush was right when he said that all black quarterbacks want to rape my wife and children.  I don’t even have kids, that’s how evil they are.
30. Bucs: Travelling to London is hard for a NFL team so I don’t blame Tampa for losing.  I traveled to Queens once and got sodomized by a stranger in an alley.  I can’t even imagine what happened behind Big Ben.
31. Lions: I wish Detroit wasn’t so, uh….how do I say this?  Diverse?  Then I could visit my Aunt Melinda from time to time.  As it currently stands, she can go fuck herself.
32. Chicago: Cedric Benson had a hell of a game this weekend.   Imagine how much better he would play if he had had a reason to beat the Bears!  [flips through Us Weekly].