NFL Power Rankings: Week 6

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

Apparently when it’s snowing in the Northeast they don’t cancel football in the same way that they cancel school.  I didn’t know that so I missed most of the games this weekend.  Okay, all of the games.  The good news: I built this sweet snow fort and hit that Lucy girl with a snowball.  It was awesome until she told her mom.  She just doesn’t understand how I feel.

1. Cowboys: A little high?  Maybe.  But consider this: the Cowboys were the only team in the NFC East that didn’t lose this week.  Facts are facts.

2. Jets:  I’m not off their bandwagon that I’ve been on since 1986. I’m just being a realist. That’s all.
3. Steelers: I don’t care that Big Ben threw for more than 400 yards on only 25 completions, he sealed his elite status when he won that super bowl against seattle.
4. Redskins: Zorn passed off play calling duties after another loss.  I think that’s a good move, but now I have no idea what else he’s responsible for.  I mean, what else do head coaches do?
5. Ravens: If Joe Flacco were more like Brett Favre the Ravens would have won this week.  Hell, I bet Brett Favre could have kicked the winning field goal himself to insure victory.  Joe Flacc0=loser.
6. Titans: The reason the Titans lost is because Kerry Collins started at QB.  Think about it: you know how they say African-Americans can’t see in the dark?  Well white QBs can’t see in the snow.  Facts are facts.  
7. Denver: While thumbing through US Weekly this morning, we noticed a picture of young Falcon sporting a Broncos hat. What a disgrace.
8. Giants: Losing to the Saints is so embarrassing.  Thank god no other NY team had an embarrassing loss this week so I can focus my mocking sneers at the Giants.
9. Vikings: Another come from behind victory that had nothing to do with another team’s failure to win!  Brett Favre can’t lose.
10. Seattle: Did they lose at home this week?  Yes.  Was against an intradivision team?  Yes.  Do I have a valid reason for ranking them this high?  No.  Did I just learn how to use rhetorical questions for dramatic effect despite not knowing anything about the Seahawks?  I think you know the answer to that.
11. Raiders: You want proof that JaMarcus gives everything he has and he leaves everything on the field, well then consider this: JaMarcus Russell is the only QB I’ve ever seen that needed the oxygen tank after a 3 and out.
12. Chiefs: With a big win against a big time Washington team, I think that Scott Piloi has the Chiefs heading in the right direction. I think we can see who the real mastermind of the Patriot Dynasty was.
13. Rams: I heard there was a lot of uproar over Rush buying the Rams, but I never really liked Tom Sawyer so I am glad they didn’t get it.
14. Saints: I know football and in all my years I have never seen a team quite as dominant as the Saints. I can’t see them losing. I think they will finish 14-2.
15. Giants: How many times do I have to tell you Eli Manning is a hackfraud? I mean he didn’t even make it to the end of the first half. We know who the best Number 1 overall QB pick was at Giant Stadium on Sunday. JaMarcus, the Hall of Fame is calling..
16. Texans: My dad got steaks from Omaha steaks…I would suggest buying a can of Alpo instead.  [Ed. Note--I have no idea what this has to do with football.]
17. Bengals: I can’t believe in a team that has a guy named Chad as it’s wide receiver.
18. Cardinals: Are they number 1 in the league against the rush?  Yes.  Do they allow a lot of passing yards?  You betcha.  Do I like chain restaurants because my meal tastes the same every day?  Who doesn’t?
19. Falcons: Somebody said that the reason Matt Forte fumbled twice in the red zone was because he had Atlanta’s Defense in fantasy football.  I think there should be a league wide investigation!  Because what about those of us that had Matt Forte?!?
20. Colts: I’ve got a post already written about Peyton Manning’s inability to win the big game. I’m going to publish it as soon as they lose. Doesn’t matter if it’s a big game. It’ll become big because of the loss.
21. Jaguars: I have this rule: Never bet against a team from Florida. And when I get my computer back from the pawn shop I might change that rule.
22. Giants: Any team that has Hakeem Nicks on their team deserves to be ranked this low.
23. Pats: If a team plays well in a dome, I call it a crutch.  If they play well in the snow I call it a liablity.  If the team has a handsome QB, I don’t care what they do, I won’t make fun of them.  /swoons
24. 49ers: San Fran hasn’t won in almost 3 weeks yet they still have a winning record.  I will never understand sports.  However, would you like to hear my theory on how to trick a model into dating you?  Make a lot of money and be famous.  60% of the time it works every time.
25. Browns. A Terrelle Pryor for Derek Anderson trade would be the most even trade in the history of…trades.
26. . Bengals: I bet they would have won this week if their coordinator’s wife had died again.  He’s so self-centered.
27. Packers: I’m not sure who Ted Thompson is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t like him.
28. Panthers: Jake Delhomme is a winner. Facts are facts.
29. Eagles: I don’t know much about them besides their having 2 black quarterbacks and an aging RB, but I asked my Football Guru Rap Cooney what he thinks and he says they’re for real.
30. Bucs: Byron Leftwich isn’t the answer and neither is Josh Johnson. With their record now 0-6, they have to start thinking about the draft in April. And with what will surely be the #1 overall pick, me thinks there’s a certain QB from Florida who would fit in quite nicely playing in his home state.
31. Lions: The rumor is they’re planning on following the Shock out of Detroit and down to Tulsa.  If they did, I would definitely travel down to watch them play.  It’s, uh, lighter down there.
32. Chicago: You know how I know that Jay Cutler isn’t good at anything?  Because he has diabetes!  HA!  Man, I can’t believe he kept that a secret for so long.  I bet it’s a conspiracy.