football1Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I loved the matchups in football this weekend.  Probably the best set of games I’ve watched all year.  I tell you there are few people in the world who understand what makes a good football weekend than an expert like me.

1. Cowboys: Tony Romo’s game winning touchdown pass was the thing of legend.  He’s so clutch.  But can someone tell me what yards after catch means?  Facts are facts, people: there’s nothing more clutch than a game winning touchdown pass.  Just ask Kyle Orton after week 1.

2. Jets: I was sitting outside Artie Lange’s place, 100 Ft as mandated by the courts, listening to the game on the radio. I could just picture how good Mark Sanchez looked in his uniform. He is like Joe Namath and Tom Brady combined with Joe Montana and Fabio. He may not be Tony Romo yet, but just wait.
3. Steelers:  Some people think that the sign of a champion is their ability to play down to their opponent’s level of play.  If that’s the case, and I think it is, the Steelers are the best team in the NFL.  They JUST WIN!
4. Redskins: They continue to be the highest-grossing team in the NFL in terms of revenue.  How can I rank them lower if that’s true.
5. Ravens: I put them this high because I’m scared of Ray Lewis.  That guy puts the “black” in Line Blacker.
6. Titans: I know I have them a little high but I am buying in early on VY. I mean he is the total package and he has his own shoe. Can Kerry Collins say that?
7. Denver: I couldn’t even concentrate on the game because I was so impressed with the Broncos throwback uniforms.  Man those were beautiful.
8. Giants: There no other superlatives to give them, so instead, a quick aside: Don’t you just love the term “taking it to the house” when describing a touchdown run?.
9. Vikings: Brett Favre is the single greatest promoter the world has ever known. He realizes that the thing that makes the NFL great is that it’s about individuals and not about teams.
10. Seattle: Admittedly we know very little about the West Coast teams. So after seeing the ‘Hawks surprising 41-0 shellacking of Jacksonville, we dialed up The Football Friend for his thoughts, which we reprint here: “I’m a numbers nerd. I live to dissect the numbers, and what they tell me is that 41 is, in fact, a lot of points.” The Football Friend will be making an appearance in the comments, so save your questions for him.
11. Raiders:Any team with JaMarcus Russell, Darren McFadden, and Darius Heyward-Bey is explosive. Look at all that talent. I don’t care what anyone says, these guys are for real.  And frightening.
12. Chiefs: I’m a big fan of moral victories and the moral of this victory is that the Cowboys are the best team evar!!!  Look at how they beat the Chiefs.  Man, that was fun.
13. Bills: I don’t care how bad this team looks, Dick Jauron inspires my confidence.  He just looks like a head coach, you know?
14. Saints: I am so tired of the way these fraud teams keep taking breaks early in the season.  I’m going to call up Commissioner Goodell and have him change the rules to favor whichever team I’m rooting for in a given week.
15. Giants: How many times do I have to tell you Eli Manning is a hackfraud? I mean he didn’t even make it to the end of the first half. We know who the best Number 1 overall QB pick was at Giant Stadium on Sunday. JaMarcus, the Hall of Fame is calling..
16. Texans: I can’t help but think that they should have gotten rid of the Cowboys when the Texans were created. Texans sounds more impressive than Cowboys if you’re from Texas, right?
17. Bengals: Moving these guys up slightly after their win on the road against the Baltimore Colts. Can’t move them up too much, though, since I think they only won because they rallied behind their defensive coordinator, who had just lost his wife. She can’t guy die every week, right? I’m seriously asking. I wanted to watch Shaun of the Dead, but I was too scared.
18. Cardinals: I hate defensive stands to end a game because defense is bo-ring.  I love offensive explosions.  100-99 games are the way football should be played.
19. Falcons: Young Matty Ryan is really doing some things down south for the Falcons. I didn’t get to catch yesterday’s nationally televised game (teen angst marathon ftw!), so I can’t comment. But I will offer one question: Would he be this good if he had to handle the pressure of a true scene (a la NYC or LA)? Methinks the answer is no.
20. Colts: I’ve got a post already written about Peyton Manning’s inability to win the big game. I’m going to publish it as soon as they lose. Doesn’t matter if it’s a big game. It’ll become big because of the loss.
21. Jaguars: I have this rule: Never bet against a team from Florida. And when I get my computer back from the pawn shop I might change that rule.
22. Giants: Any team that has Hakeem Nicks on their team deserves to be ranked this low.
23. Pats: I hate Boston so much that I root for them to win games!  Those fags in NE don’t know what to expect from me.
24. 49ers: Big drop down the list for San Francisco. This team started the year off on such a good note that we thought the playoffs were a lock. However, after two straight losses, is it time to re-examine Mike Singletary’s status as coach of this team? We get it. He’s hard-nosed and demands discipline and dedication from his team. But Singletary just doesn’t fit the mold of a hard-nosed coach like a Parcells, a Belichek, a Rex Ryan, or a Josh MCDaniel. Until the 49ers get a coach who the players can respect and look up to, I can’t see this team getting out of the cellar.
25. Browns. You see what happens when you put Brady Quinn on the bench? If he played instead of Bernie Kosar they would have won 7-3.
26. . Titans: It appears that Vince Young’s Partying has finally caught up with the team. I do love his new kicks though.
27. Packers: I’m not sure who Ted Thompson is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t like him.
28. Panthers: Jake Delhomme is a winner. Facts are facts.
29. Eagles: I don’t know much about them besides their having 2 black quarterbacks and an aging RB, but I asked my Football Guru Rap Cooney what he thinks and he says they’re for real.
30. Yankees: Ever since ARod stopped being a fluke fraud I decided that baseball is worthy of following.  And by following I mean calling up my baseball friends and asking for smart things to say in a post the next day.
31. Lions: I’m crushed.  I bet my life savings ($138!!) that the Lions would win out after ending their winning streak two weeks ago.  It’s going to be hard to tell my wife that she can’t go to her prom queen reunion.
32. Chicago: Former Bear Cedric Benson had another 100+ rushing day while former Bear Kyle Orton proved once again that Denver is better off without Cutler. Meanwhile, the actual Bears were nowhere to be found on Sunday. Facts are facts, people.