marksanchez

This may not be news, but I’m gonna write it anyways.  Why?  Because fuck Mark Sanchez, that’s why.  Fuck the Jets, fuck Dirty Sanchez, fuck the Jets again and fuck the Jets.  There has been nothing quite as entertaining as watching the wheels fall completely off this overrated pile o’ shit in a mere three weeks since he’s been lionized as the next great QB in the NFL despite, you know, NOT DOING A SINGLE FUCKING THING.

So, needless to say, when I saw that Mark Sanchez threw 5 INT’s against one of the worst defenses in the NFL, not only did I have myself a hearty laugh, I instantly recorded the highlights and watched them twelve times in a row.  Is that a little disturbing?  Probably, but you know what?  I fucking hate Mark Sanchez.

Now, when I think about Sanchez’ shining moment last weekend, I’m not sure what was the best part of the whole ordeal.  It was really nice watching Thomas Jones and Leon Washington look at him on the sideline after yet another pick, with that look of, “thanks for fucking up all the shit we worked for today asshole,” on their faces.  Hell, it wasn’t even just them, it was the entire team.  It was awesome seeing Rex Ryan waddle his gunt over to Sanchez after throwing a terrible pass and watch him restrain himself from choking the bitch.  It was just great.

But after I calmed down and stopped shaking from uncontrollable glee from another person’s misfortune, I looked at myself and asked, “why do I hate Mark Sanchez so much?”

A number of reasons really.

See…Mark Sanchez wasn’t good in college.  He couldn’t beat out John David Booty and started all of 16 career games there.  Even then, he wasn’t especially good, despite being surrounded by the type of talent that 99% of college teams can only dream about.  It’s really easy to look decent when you have seven seconds to throw the fucking ball, play in the most pussified conference in all college football, and are throwing to guys who have been on All American lists since they were in 6th grade.

Basically, what I’m saying is that Mark Sanchez isn’t a good football player.

And because of this inalienable truth, I knew he was going to be destined for suckdom once he hit the league.  Now, I predicted the same thing for Matt Ryan, for some fucking reason, and that blew up in my face, but Ryan looked good the instant he stepped on the field.  I knew I was wrong right away.  Much like I was instatnly aware of how dumb I was with Ryan, I was instantly aware of how right I was with Sanchez.

For a bitch who didn’t do shit in college, he sure got a lot of hype.  This alone caused me to hate the fucker, because frankly, nothing pisses me off more than undeserved credit being heaped on shitty players in large media markets by assholes who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  I fucking hate the New York media machine.  I fucking hate LA…everything about it, and Sanchez was one of the casualties of that war.

Despite the fact that I was completely biased against Sanchez from the start, his play on the field only validated that.  For some reason, every single motherfucking asshole on TV and on the internet was praising Sanchez for his “poise” and “moxie.”  Well, what the fuck were they watching?  Poise and moxie only get you so far…you actually have to not suck to play QB in the NFL, and believe me, Sanchez sucks.  So after the Jets’ first game against Houston, I was simply mindfucked by all the praise being heaped at this guy’s feet.

Yes, he threw for 272 yards, but what was a one INT game could have EASILY been a four INT game.  And as the Jets continued on their early three game winning streak, the praise only got more intense while Sanchez’ game went in the opposite direction.  There were terrible, inaccurate passes.  There was the complete lack of pocket awareness.  There was misguided decisions that were fortunately not punished by shoddy teams.  There was media fellatio.

And then came New Orleans.

Oh, how I love you Darren Sharper.

See…after three straight awful performances, I think people are beginning to realize that this is kind of the norm.  Look at his numbers…the dude hasn’t thrown over 200 yards since his first game.  He has a robust 52.1% completion percentage and a flaccid 6.35 YPA.  He has twice as many INT’s as TD’s.  He has, BY HIMSELF, cost his team the past three games.

And this whole thing is making me forget all about how the Browns are the worst team in history and the Buckeys blow ass…that’s how powerful this schadenfraude is.

Now, can Sanchez turn into a good QB?  Smart money’s on no, but the book isn’t closed by any means.  But at the same time, the track record for guys with TWICE AS MANY collegiate starts as Sanchez is AWFUL, let alone guys with only 16 games under their belt.  He has a pretty awful arm.  He’s kinda tiny.  He’s obviously gayer than a bag of dicks.

But you know what?  I hope New Jersey gives him as many opportunities as possible.  Why?  I love seeing assholes like him fail, and in the process, make everyone in the most obnoxious sports media market ever in history squirm and cry.  It’s just fucking amazing.

So, Mark Sanchez…here’s to a VERY long, incredibly fruitless career.  Because there is nothing quite as entertaining as watching you fail in the most miserable fashion imagineable.  Fuck you, Mark Sanchez.

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