Three days per week I wake up at 5am in order to go to the gym to do just enough that I can eat like a fucking pig and stay relatively thin.  I go to one of these new-fangled gyms called Urban Active that puts a premium on amenities and environment because, you know, GOD FORBID you sweat a little when you work out.

That’s neither here nor there, though.

What is, however, is the fact that I’m not a morning person and refuse to buy an iPod.  “Not a morning person,” might actually be one of the biggest understatements ever seeing as on weekends, after 10 glorious hours of sleep, I still hate the world until I’ve been up long enough to eat breakfast and have some caffeine, two luxuries that are lost when you’re doing squats and deadlifts before the sun has risen.  And I hear yourself asking…why did you mention that you refuse to buy an iPod and post a video of what’s easily the worst song of all time?

You’ll have to jump if you wanna find out.

Like I said before, Urban Active is “hip” and “trendy.”  They have flatscreens all over the fucking place, a smoothie bar, a store full of relatively well-priced supplements (buy online people…DSTnutrition.com) and, despite the fact that it’s a gym with only two fucking squat racks (fucking retarded), the overall experience is pretty decent for what you pay.

But what isn’t decent is the fact that in their quest to be “hip” and “trendy,” Urban Active picks THE worst playlist of all time to pump through their speakers.  You get shit like Beyonce, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Sammy Hagar…basically the soundtrack they play in hell.  And it’s the same fucking songs every fucking day with no respite.

I’m not one of those meathead dudes who likes to blast heavy metal to get themselves pumped up.  And I also wasn’t looking to come off as some sort of martyr because I’m too lazy to work out after work.  The fact is, I like working out that early in the morning when nobody is around and I can just zone out and have 90 minutes of personal time where I can let out all my pent up stress from my life being one gigantic disappointment.

But what I cannot stand is Urban Active’s insistence on playing this fucking Daughtry song every fucking morning RIGHT as I’m walking in the door there.

Now, I wish I could post the music video here, but unfortunately, the only video I could find in my 10 seconds of searching was posted by Chris Daughtry, the faggot himself, and he disabled embedding.  So here’s an additional “fuck you” to him for that.  See…the video is of him strumming his guitar in the most douchebaggy way (you know…slung down by his knees with his legs more than shoulder width apart, proving he’s “really into it” and “hardcore) in some fucking oil field refinery thing all while wearing the choicest threads from Affliction or one of those other companies that makes clothes especially for dudes who want people to know they like dragons and shit.  That’s what those shirts are for, right?  I mean, why else would you wear something that ugly?

But I digress, yet again.

See…this song is so fucking gay, it makes me want to split open this motherfucker’s skull and take his brains out and feed them to my dog.  It’s just terrible.  It’s the most sickeningly bland, unimaginative, awful brand of rock out there today.  Unfortunately, when he was recording this, the producer didn’t stand up and say, “Chris, listen man, this song has been made a million times already and the only thing you’re adding to it is a level of douchebaggery that has rarely been seen before.  This isn’t a good song.  This isn’t a good career move.  There’s absolutely no chance anyone on earth will enjoy this song.”  I mean, it’s that fucking bad.

I mean, can someone give me one redeeming quality about this song?

Is it the instrumentals?  No…the musicianship on this song is pretty pathetic.

Is it the lyrics?  God no.

Is it the performance?  I wouldn’t willfully listen to Chris Daughtry if you paid me.

So what is it?  What could possibly convince people that this song is a good choice to pump through a gym at 5 in the morning?

And yes, I can hear all the logical answers to this problem already.  Why don’t I just sack up and buy an iPod?  Why don’t I go to the gym at a better hour when you won’t hear this song?  Why don’t you ask management to get rid of it?

I could do all of those things, and HAVE asked management to not play it anymore, but really, why should my life be dictated by the worst song in the world?  I’d rather just complain about it incessantly because that’s far easier than being proactive.

Wow…826 words so far?  Jesus…this was supposed to be short.

Anyways…this is the worst song in the world, I hate it, and thank you for sticking around.  I realize that this is a complete fucking waste of time and has little to do with anything, but you know what?  I needed to vent badly.  And, face it…it’s Friday afternoon.  Nobody gives a shit about anything other than getting their fuck up on the minute they step out of their office.

So…

The end.

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