Good evening, friends of MLJ. I promised a game 3 preview, and here it is. (In picture form!)

This man is a complete and total moron.

Read the rest of this entry »

In order to preserve our creative juices for the work week when you need our brilliance the most we have decided to re-run some of our favoritest posts from years past. Today we have a rather topical piece. This was written by Roman last year on this very day. What are the odds?

See her. That is my sweet baby girl all ready for Halloween and frankly with nowhere to go. Why? Well, beside the fact that she is 9 months old and is barely eating Cheerios, it is because we have pussified the sacred holiday of Halloween. Or All Hallows Eve for the religious. Over the years the media, overzealous educators and all sorts of stupid pussies who don’t like hurt feelings or anything fun or out of the normal have convinced the rest of us that sending our kids out into the evening to knock on neighbors doors and ask for candy is wrong. That putting them in costumes that might be scary or funny or clever is just wrong and will mess with their heads and make them bad people. That allowing them to get themselves into some sort of harmless mischief is the worst thing imaginable. Halloween is one of the great American institutions being ruined by the PC police. It doesn’t have to be but we seem to allow it. Why? Because most of us would rather give in than fight for our right to do what we want. Because they use tactics to make us feel guilty and wrong for allowing our kids to be kids. And because we don’t have the time to put up the good fight and it is easier to roll with the punches. Read the rest of this entry »

Morning, y’all. There was no World Series game last night. The teams needed a day off for the 20 minute flight from New York to Philly. There was, however, a full slate of NBA games. Let’s check a few of ‘em out.

Shaq in the away blue. Quite slimming. /sincere

Cavs 104, Minny 87: The 2009-10 World Champions finally notched a tally in the win column last night. Lebron did his usual beasting, while Varejao/Z picked up the slack for a foul ridden Shaq.

Bulls 118, Chicago 90: Rajon Rondo continues to prove he’s the best player on the Celtics roster. He filled up the stat sheet with 16 assists and 8 boards in only 29 minutes. Danny Ainge is a complete moron. Also, Kevin Garnett beat his own chest 17 times.

Thunder 91, Detroit 83: The $100+ million dollar men, Ben Gordon and Chuck V, combined to shoot 11-32 and lead their team to a home loss to one of the worst teams in the Association. Joe Dumars or Danny Ainge: Bigger douchecanoe – who you got?

That’s it for me, Hef and gentlemen. Come back tonight for a World Series Game 3 preview.

With tonight being the Eve of the Eve of All Saints Day, AKA the Eve of All Hallows’ Eve, AKA Halloween Eve, allow me to use this time to offer up this friendly reminder to all you crazies who plan on partaking in the ballyhoo, shenanigans, and tomfoolery that will no-doubt rule this upcoming weekend. Please note that there’s going to be lots of drinking. And depending on where you are, there could also be lots of intercourse. And finally, there’s a distinct possibility that there will be a combination of both lots of drinking and lots of intercourse. So if you find yourself in a situation where you are engaged in either drinking, intercourse, or both drinking and intercourse combined, please adhere to these following guidelines:

• Enjoy the drinking.
• Enjoy the intercourse.
• Enjoy the drinking and the intercourse.

The previous PSA was brought to you by Major League Jerk and MLJ, Inc. The information contained within that paragraph was for educational purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice. Moreover, MLJ, Inc. has made no attempts whatsoever to verify the accuracy of the information provided in the previous paragraph, so if your party sucks and there’s no drinking or intercourse, MLJ, Inc. expressly denies liability and undertakes no responsibility for the reliance on, or consequences of, using that information in hopes to get drunk or laid. In addition, if you end up with some side-effects of drinking or intercourse, MLJ, Inc. apologizes because honestly, that would suck. But again, we can’t be held responsible. Take some precautions Man. It’s important to remember that the girl in the sexy nurses outfit isn’t a real nurse, but the girl in the sexy devil’s outfit most certainly is the devil. Ya dig? Okay.

If you’re a loser who wasn’t invited to any parties, your itinerary is after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

Three days per week I wake up at 5am in order to go to the gym to do just enough that I can eat like a fucking pig and stay relatively thin.  I go to one of these new-fangled gyms called Urban Active that puts a premium on amenities and environment because, you know, GOD FORBID you sweat a little when you work out.

That’s neither here nor there, though.

What is, however, is the fact that I’m not a morning person and refuse to buy an iPod.  “Not a morning person,” might actually be one of the biggest understatements ever seeing as on weekends, after 10 glorious hours of sleep, I still hate the world until I’ve been up long enough to eat breakfast and have some caffeine, two luxuries that are lost when you’re doing squats and deadlifts before the sun has risen.  And I hear yourself asking…why did you mention that you refuse to buy an iPod and post a video of what’s easily the worst song of all time?

You’ll have to jump if you wanna find out. Read the rest of this entry »

[Editor's Note: This series ran last Halloween and we loved it so much we thought we would just re-run what we already wrote. Enjoy the shit out of these hos.]

Today is the final day of the Halloween Fashion Preview. Quite frankly, I can only teach you so much. If you want to catch up, you can see all the sexy goodness at Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. It’s totally worth your clicks.

Oh boy. It’s here. It’s actually here. It’s Halloween.

I went to one of those temporary Halloween stores last night. When I was there, I saw one of those girls. She was alright. A solid 6. Way back when, you wouldn’t have complained. She seemed like a normal girl. But she was holding this costume. Fuck and yes. This is just another girl. 364 days a year she gets a “not bad.” Tomorrow, she gets starred at.

It made me want to sing. It made me excited to go out tonight. I can post every picture in the world in this space, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. That’s why I kind of hate Fetch this weekend. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

Reborn as porn: Movie posters photoshopped to look like porn flicks.  Possibly NSFW (B3ta)

Making Foreman/Ali look even better. (UniWatch)

From yesterday’s comment section: A 19 year old Canadian singer killed by a coyote.  How the fuck do you lose to a coyote?  They’re the weakest animals the world has ever known.  (CNN)

NFL team rained out of own fields, goes to local high school’s indoor practice facility. (Dallas Morning News)

Since CBH is not only a friend of the site but also excellent at picking both professional and college football games we have decided to link to him twice.  What a wonderful friend.  (CBH Sports)

The MLJ Video of the Day shows douche bags reclaiming their word.  Like B’s did with N and W’s did with B and C’s did with BVJJDILSK.

After the jump, I doubt anyone will come up to these people and tell them how awful their sense of humor is.  Especially with their broad smiles. Read the rest of this entry »

Sinbad is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious to someone in the 90’s, co-starring in Jingle All The Way and emceeing those soul music festivals. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, he’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

RAVENS over Broncos (-3.5): I have a special affinity for Baltimore because it’s pretty close to one of my first jobs – teaching at Hillman College.

TITANS over Jaguars (-3): You gotta like the idea of a rejuvenated Vince Young, much like Good Burger (which has roots in Tennessee) rejuvenated my career.

EAGLES over Giants (+1): Because I have a special spot in my heart for Philly: Read the rest of this entry »

The magic was back last week! Once again I proved my value as a prognosticator and won more than I lost. It feels good to be back in your good graces. You see I have shaken the fleas off the dog. I was looking for true believers. Just like Buddhism*, I ask you give away all your worldly possessions so you can find true enlightenment. Consider the past few weeks the loss of your possessions. Now it’s enlightenment time. So with that in mind, here are the pick you take Cleveland Steamers to. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m going to type this up like a real beat reporter would. This will be practice for me in case I ever accept a job at a fledgling newspaper for a fraction of the salary that I’m making at my current job. You ready? Okay here goes.

The Yankees were facing a familiar foe in Pedro Martinez on Thursday night. Maybe this version of Pedro wasn’t the one they were used to from years past,  but don’t tell that to Derek Jeter.

“Pedro’s still Pedro,” said Yankee captain Derek Jeter in a quote that I’m making up right now because I wasn’t actually in the locker room after the game. “We know what he’s capable of and we knew we needed a win. We didn’t want to go back to Philly down 0-2.”

The Phillies jumped out to a 1-0 lead on a Matt Stairs RBI single in the 2nd, but the Yankees responded in the 4th with a solo shot into the RF bullpen off the bat of Mark Teixeira. Then they scored 2 more runs and blah blah blah are you as bored with this as I am? Holy shit it must suck to be a beat reporter. Here, I’ll just recap the rest of the finer points for you in a bulleted list.

• AJ Burnett did his best Cliff Lee impression, going 7 innings and allowing only 1 ER, 4 hits and striking out 9. He didn’t have any fancy behind-the-back catches though, so it’s still advantage Clifton.
• Hideki Matsui hit a HR in the 6th to put the Yankees ahead 2-1.
• Jorge Posada got an RBI single in the 7th (while pinch-hitting?) for an insurance run.
• Seriously, Joe Girardi is a moron.
• The series heads back to Philly tied 1-1.
• Game 3 is set for Saturday.
• That is all for this bulleted list.

Some other things happened last night too. I’ll have them for you after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »