Roman’s Correct Predicitions of the Future: NFL Week 3

12-4. That is what I went last week. 12 and motherfucking 4. The four losses were the most fluketarded flukes in the history of ever. But even with the pile of horse turd that was the four losses, those who took my advice were winners. Fucking winners. Those who didn’t are losers. Fucking losers. I am rolling in money. Every single alleged dollar won is on my living room floor and I am rolling around in it. If you listened to me last week, you too would be getting tiny traces of cocaine all over your body from the dollar bills. That’s how it is. I know football. I can see the future. I wish you would get it. I really wish you would.

Before I start giving you the picks, I would be remiss if I did not mention the season ending injury of Kenny Phillips. His injury has made me more upset than any of the injuries of any of the players I have ever rooted for. I love Kenny Phillips. This guy is completely special and I feel could he could be great. That will not happen. A friend of the website had mentioned to me last week that Kenny Phillips was telling people he had arthritis. I told our friend that he must be wrong. Arthritis is serious. He must have meant tendinitis. The friend reiterated he said Arthritis. Well, our friend was right. This is upsetting because there is no way to fix this. He may comeback but he will never play a long and impactful career. What he did Sunday in Dallas was what was going to be expected of him. A hard hitting, lightning quick, playmaking Safety from The U. A great Giant. That is no longer in the cards. It saddens me. My daughter, Little RamonaWarHelmet, has this stuffed frog that plays songs and stuff. She loves it. It makes her happy. We named it Kenny Phillips because that doll made her feel the way her Daddy did about Kenny Phillips. I hope the real Kenny Phillips can comeback and have a great career. Unfortunately, I doubt it.

Now on to my picks. Please remember the spreads I pick with are the ones that are given to me by the person who allegedly takes my money on Thursday afternoons and then gives me back a shit ton more money on Tuesday afternoon.

JETS (-2.5) over Tennessee: I know the Jets. It is far too early for this team to shit the bed and wreck the spirits of it’s fanbase. They need to get to like 5-1 and then finish the season 7-9 or something. With that said, the Jet defense and Kerry Collins were meant to be together. They like to attack and Kerry is a fantastic target to be sacked. Truly, it’s kismet.

Jets 21 Titans 14

HOUSTON (-4) over Jacksonville: Houston laid it’s turd in week one and rebounded nicely in week two. I loved the offense but the defense is still not doing what it should be. Well, this week is a good one to get back on track. Mario Williams will have 5 sacks.

Texans 31 Jaguars 6

PHILADELPHIA (-9.5) over Kansas City: I sincerely hope I am wrong about this pick. I kept attempting to circle KC on the sheet but I couldn’t do it. They are putrid. Even with Kevin Kolb starting, Philly will use Westbrook and get the stupid Wildcat going and get everyone thinking Mike Vick is back. They need the high for the major letdown, too.

Iggles 22 Chiefs 7

BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Cleveland:

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Ravens 35 Browns 0

Giants (-7) over TAMPA BAY: Even with the losses of Kenny Phillips, Justin Tuck, Chris Canty, Aaron Ross, Jay Alford, Frank Gifford, Phil Simms, LT, Harry Carson, Bart Oates, Homer Jones, Plaxico Burress and whoever else isn’t playing, the New York Football Giants are so far and away better than the Bucs it isn’t even funny. Well, it is pretty fucking hilarious. Brandon Jacobs finally gets to carry the ball. Lots of yards will ensue.

New York Football Giants 84 Bucs 0

DETROIT (+6.5) over Washington: Is this the game the Lions finally get a win? Well, I like Matthew Stafford throwing the ball to Megatron and Pettrigrew a lot against a soft Redskin secondary. What I really hate is the Washington offense and it’s ability to do a god damn thing. I am hoping the Lions get a win. I mean they have to sometime, but in reality I can’t see the Racists winning by more than 3.

Racists 13 Lions 10

Green Bay (-6.5) over ST. LOUIS: The Green Bay offensive line showed itself to be a weak link for the Packers. Fortunately, the Rams can’t do anything well so it won’t be an issue.

Packers 36 Rams 12

MINNESOTA (-6.5) over San Francisco: The Niners are 2-0 and in first place in the NFC West. It is like being the hottest ugly girl. I am not about rooting for the Vikings for anything, especially with the Greatest Mistake Prone Quarterback to ever play in the National Football League leading them but there is no way Frank Gore (aka the Niner offense) will beat the Fat Williams boys up the gut.

Vikings 23 Niners 14

Atlanta (+4) over NEW ENGLAND: I am sure this line is getting closer come game time, but whatever it is pick the Falcons. The Pats are going to get a lot of Vegas love early as the residual of the Pats dynasty still lingers in the bettors minds. The Falcons are a well balanced team that is better at every position but Quarterback and Number 1 receiver. The Atlanta defense is not flashy but effective and if John Abraham shows up, we will get to see another week of the jumpy Tom Brady.

Falcons 27 Pats 21

Chicago (-2.5) over SEATTLE: Two words, Seneca Wallace.

Bears 17 Seahawks 13

New Orleans (-6) over BUFFALO: The is no way the Bills defense slows the Saints offense down. If this game was in December, then I give Buffalo a puncher’s chance but when it is 60 degrees and sunny, fuck no.

Saints 42 Bills 24

Miami (+6) over SAN DIEGO: I think Monday night was a blue print for every Dolphin game the rest of the way. Ball control. Lots of running. More Ball control and shitty defense that will cost them. If you haven’t noticed, the Chargers have not exactly played well either. I see this as a close game and it wouldn’t surprise me if the Dolphins won. But they won’t.

Chargers 21 Dolphins 17

CINCINNATI (+4) over Pittsburgh: I think the Bengal defense is pretty good. The Steelers can’t really run it and that means Big Ben throwing it all game. This plays to the Bengals favor. Plus they are at home. Plus it is a division game. I just have a feeling the Steelers are going to struggle this season.

Bengals 21 Steelers 15

OAKLAND (-1) over Denver: The Broncos had their fun. I think the Raiders are better. They are an attacking defense with a shutdown corner. They run the football. This game is akin to picking the thinnest fat girl. In this case, the Raiders at home fits those Lane Bryant Stretch pants better.

Raiders 10 Broncos 6

Indianapolis (+2) over ARIZONA: The Cardinals are a mediocre football team. Great offense. Shit defense. They are playing a seasoned team with Peyton Manning, who watches and longs to be the Giants quarterback as he stated after his Monday night win over Miami.

Colts 35 Cardinals 31

DALLAS (-3) over Carolina: Jerrah’s boys will get their first win in the Abortion in Arlington. (/spits) Expect a week’s worth of “The ‘Boys are Back” and “Tony Romo answers his critics” posts and TV analysis. Don’t be swayed. He sucks and so does his team.

Cowfags 17 Panthers 13