NFL Power Rankings: Week 3

After last week’s resounding success, we’ve decided to give Intern Jace a weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats.  And for those of you who would dare question his credentials, he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I wrote these Saturday before the action on the field took place because I had Sunday devoted to re-watching the Emmys including the Red Carpet show, the pre-Red Carpet show, the dress critiques, and the after parties.

1. Cowboys: Is there a single more likable QB in all of football than Tony Romo?  This is a guy who just wins ballgames at home against superior and inferior talent.  Is there a QB you would want in a clutch game more than this guy?  I can’t think of any.

2. Jets: I’ve been staring at pictures of Mark Sanchez’s face for the last three days (/no homo?) and I think his moles spell my name.  Is he seeing anybody?
3. Steelers: You want to know the truth?  The only thing that prevents Big Ben from going 16-0 every year is his defense.  Is there a group of guys who do less in support of their QB than the Steeler’s defense?
4. 49ers: My only problem with SF is that their fans aren’t crazy enough for their team.  Let’s say I were to wear my Cowboys hat to Candlestick park and cheered for Dallas, I bet you there isn’t a single Niners fan that would stab me and rape my dead corpse.  Bunch of pussies.
5. Ravens: The only thing I don’t like about the Ravens is their color scheme, logo, and mascot.  Of all the super popular sports teams I root for from across the country (most of which I have no connection with whatsoever) this is the ugliest.
6. Rams: Let me share an email from my friend Artie Lange who’s a huge Rams fan: “You actually published those picks I sent you?  Couldn’t you tell those were a joke and I don’t fucking give a shit?  Is your website called “thebigcocksucker.com?”  The fuck’s the matter with you?”  God that guy’s hilarious.  I’ll watch anything he does.
7. Denver: The Broncos are 3-0 against formidable opponents so far this season (CIN, CLE, OAK) and I can’t wait to see what happens when they move to the easy part of their schedule.
8. Giants: I’m finally coming around to the Giants after they beat a monster in Tampa Bay.  Jon Gruden impresses the hell out of me because he’s so scary.  I pooped my pants once when I saw him come on the TV screen.
9. Vikings: Vikings fans make me sick the way they cheer for Brett Favre.  I would never do that ever.  Not even if he was on one of the popular teams I like.
10. Dolphins. Love the Wildcat offense. I don’t care about Red Zone stats.  This team is built to thrill and I consider myself thrilled.
11. Raiders: JaMarcus Russell is a gamer.  Sure he looks out of shape and has trouble breathing when he does a five step drop and he uses a lot of oxygen on the sidelines but that guy cares only about the game.
12. Chiefs: Todd Haley is the kind of coach that makes other teams shit their pants.  That’s how intense he is.  This is clearly a case where the coach should be on the field by himself taking on the other team.
13. Bills: I love it when TO blows up and throws his teammates under the bus.  That’s what football is all about: individuals criticizing the team to help their contract disputes.
14. Saints: Drew Brees went from underrated to overrated in like five seconds.  I bet nobody mentions his name again all season.
15. Giants: I need to see more of Eli Manning to figure out what kind of QB he will be. What has he done over the past four years that Romo hasn’t?
16. Texans: The Texans prove that Fantasy Football is stupid.  Andre Johnson scores a billion points every week but the Texans still lose.  It’s like there’s no correlation.
17. Seahawks: The jury’s still out on their uniforms this week.  Most everyone I know hated them but I thought they should have been a bit brighter.
18. Cardinals:  Seeing them on Sunday Night Football makes me think that maybe I should start paying attention to them.  After all, if they’re good enough for the mainstream media, who am I to call them mediocre?
19. Falcons: I can’t help but wonder how much better this team would be if they had Michael Vick right now. He’s a consummate playmaker.
20. Colts: I don’t care how many games they win, I just don’t feel comfortable with Peyton as the QB with the game on the line.
21. Bucs: Gruden needs to light a fire under this team to get them moving.
22. Giants: Any team that has Hakeem Nicks on their team deserves to be ranked this low.
23. Pats: Lower than consensus? Sure, but consider this: Since losing in SB to Giants, Pats have yet to win a big game. I’m not saying Brady and Belichick have lost their mojo, but facts are facts.
24. Yankees: Now that I’m back on the bandwagon, I’m pretty comfortable with the fact that my Yanks would beat any of the below teams on the gridiron.
25. Packers: Do the Packers miss Brett Favre?
26. Browns: The passion’s there and I love the way Brady Quinn looks but I can’t help but think they might not make the playoffs this year.
27. Bengals: This team could be 3-0 if it weren’t for Kyle Orton’s clutchness.
28. Panthers: Jake Delhomme is a winner. Facts are facts.
29. Eagles: I hate it when a white guy replaces a black guy at QB.  The media (mostly me) is yearning for a successful black quarterback.  At least that’s what my buddy Rush told me.
30. Redskins: If the Skins don’t fire Zorn I’m going to blanket the internet with puns using his name!  Most of them will reference pornography!
31. Lions: Maybe the Lions are ready to turn it around after not winning since my last reference to Gossip Girl wasn’t considered creepy.
32. Chicago: I hate the Bears so much because one time I went to Wrigley town and not a single scalper would sell me a ticket to Soldier Field.  Assholes.