jessica_simpson_300x400If you haven’t noticed lately, we Jerks have been pretty busy with our real jobs.  But never fear, we have brought in a well known blogger to cover our NFL Power Rankings each week.  He’s asked us to keep his true identity a secret so we’ll just have to refer to him as Intern Jace.

There is nothing better in the world of sports than a list clearly defining which is team is better than another team because it removes any and all speculation from the equation.  Sports are difficult business to tie down some days and creating an easy reference guide on a weekly basis is a real time saver.

Here’s our reference for you.

1. Cowboys: This team leads the league in talent and entertainment.  I don’t know what it is about Tony Romo but he has superstar written all over him.  Have you seen the ladies he’s had on his arm?  I’ve friended most of them on Facebook.  And to address this little bit of doubt, let me just say that if everyone says one thing, I’ll always say the opposite.  Sure I might be wrong a billion times, but the only thing anyone will remember is the time I was the only one who was right.
2. Jets: My favorite team in all of football now that they too have an attractive ladies man as QB, I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally root for a potentially good team that isn’t way on the other side of the country.  Do you know how hard it is to stay up and cheer for the Lakers when the Knicks suck?
3. Steelers: This team has more rings than any other team on this list in the last year.  Big Ben is easily the best QB in all of football that isn’t as attractive as Tony Romo. Sure they sometime play closely contested overtime games that are snoozers but wins are all that matters.
4. 49ers: Name me another unbeaten team that has beaten a former division winner.  You can’t do it can you?  Easily the best team west of Dallas.
5. Ravens: Joe Flacco could be the best QB in the league behind Big Ben, Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo.  And I think he might be bringing the unibrow back into fashion.  We don’t particularly like the unibrow but if it comes into fashion who are we to do anything other than follow the trend.  We’re only human.
6. Rams: We don’t like their offense or defense or special teams, but any team that’s good for Artie Lange is good for us.
7. Denver: Brandon Stokely is such a gamer and so is Kyle Orton.  Sure they’ve only been playing together for a few months but they’re already anticipating each other’s every move.  I can see this team going deep into the playoffs after impressive victories against tough teams in the Browns and Bengals.  Now that they’ve gotten the rough part of their schedule out of the way, I could see them running the table.
8. Giants: This is a team that will not impress anyone all year no matter how many times they beat the Cowboys in Dallas.  I was so unimpressed by their flukey win that I immediately called the Commissioner’s office to see if there was any investigation into cheating.
9. Browns: They are still waiting for the Mangenious to work his magic, but any team with Brady Quinn at quarterback has my full throated support.
10. Dolphins.  Love the Wildcat offense.  Love saying the word “wildcat.”  Love the movie Wildcats.
11. Raiders: Is there a more intimidating team in the NFL.  Especially on the field.  I’m horrified watching their fans.  When I see a large group of Raiders fans at a bar, I pretend to be a fan too.
12. Chiefs: Love the Matt Cassell signing.  A strong QB is exactly what that team needs.
13. Bills: I love me some TO.
14. Saints: Wake me up when this boring team does something impressive.  Drew Brees isn’t in the same league as any of the QBs listed at the top of this list.
15. Giants: I need to see more of Eli Manning to figure out what kind of QB he will be. What has he done over the past four years that Romo hasn’t?
16. Texans: I know for a fact this team still regrets not taking Reggie Bush with their first pick 3 years ago.  A loser is a loser is a loser.  And Reggie Bush just wins.  Facts are facts.
17. Seahawks: I didn’t even know they had a team in Seattle until I looked at the rankings.  Since they’re not 0-2 they must not be too bad.
18. Cardinals: They would be ranked higher if they played anywhere else besides Arizona.
19. Falcons: I can’t help but wonder how much better this team would be if they had Michael Vick right now.  He’s a consummate playmaker.
20. Colts: I don’t care how many games they win, I just don’t feel comfortable with Peyton as the QB with the game on the line.
21. Bucs: Gruden needs to light a fire under this team to get them moving.
22. Giants: Any team that has Hakeem Nicks on their team deserves to be ranked this low.
23. Pats: Lower than consensus? Sure, but consider this: Since losing in SB to Giants, Pats have yet to win a big game. I’m not saying Brady and Belichek have lost their mojo, but facts are facts.
24. Vikings: Is Brett Favre the answer?
25. Packers: Do the Packers miss Brett Favre?
26. Browns: Is there a better 0-2 team in all of football?
27. Bengals: Is there a worse 1-1 team in all of football?
28. Panthers: Jake Delhomme is a winner.  Just look at his contract.
29. Eagles: I can’t wait for Mike Vick to get out on the field and earn his redemption.  Big fan of his and his brothers.
30. Redskins: I don’t understand the talk surrounding the Redskins being racist.  Probably a bunch of heebs leading the charge.
31. Lions: I’m glad I’m not as big a loser as the Lions are.
32. Chicago: Random bias.  I’ve never been a big fan of the Bears.  Add to the fact that Paris Hilton’s ex boyfriend is injured and done for the season and I don’t see this team winning more than 2 games.

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