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Major League Jerk is nothing if not a dictatorship set up to crush your spirits and mock your feeble attempts at writing.  But, when someone sends us something that’s already typed up, we don’t even bother reading it before we press “publish.”  This time it was loyal friend, father, and commenter Tampa Bo who sent us shit that we agreed to post.  I hope it doesn’t get us arrested.

Every year HBO stops showing shitty movies to get us ready for Football season with their masterful creation “Hard Knocks”. I love this show, it gives you the real deal on how, according to the mainstream media, these “Criminals” get down. This year its the Cincinnati Bengals who are oddly enough not the worst team in Ohio. I hear Cincinnati is not a shit hole like Cleveland but I’m never going to Ohio in my life so I’ll just have to take their word for it.

The main attraction to the show has to be Ocho “Estiban”Cinco Formerly known as Chad Johnson. I actually met OchoCinco at the ESPN Super Bowl party in Tampa earlier this year. He was a laid back guy, who almost appeared anti social. I told him he would look great in a Bears Uni. He gave me a blank stare and I walked away in tears. I hated him for that, but Hard Knocks shows that OchoCinco is really a nice guy who is witty and should be getting a check from the NFL for his marketing abilities. His phrases like “Child Please” and “Kiss the Baby” are fucking great. He even named his AMEX black card “Oscar”, I don’t know why, but I do know its entertainment. The media portrays this guy as a big baby but you know what he’s not. He just wants what he deserves, a healthy QB who can get him the ball because hes a baller. It pains me to see such a great talent on a team that has underachieved. There is no reason OchoCinco should not be a top 10 WR, but he’s not because no one can get him the damn ball. Don’t get me started on Carson Palmer wait too late. Carson Palmer is a fucking Hemophiliac. All he does is get hurt and he’s such a smug sumbitch. This guys thinks hes Jesus Christ. He cracks jokes on camera like hes Will Farrell or something the difference is he’s not funny. He had the nerve to say on ESPN that he did’nt want “85″ at his house because he has enough kids. Child Please, just get healthy so you can get “Estiban” the goddamn ball and he can do Touchdown dances n’ shit. One thing Carson does have going for him is that he’s a smart QB I can mos def see him being USCs next football coach.

This weeks Show featured last weeks game against the New England Patriots. Before the game Ochocinco meets with Cameraman Bill(Bill Belichick) and they talk shit. I always thought Bill was a prick, he might be for that instance he was not. “85″ asked him if he was gonna get double teamed. Bill told him “Hell Yea” and said some other shit but it was defiantly good to see. I also liked how Ochocinco calls his coach, Marvin Lewis, Bossman(who would have thought he would have lasted longer than Billick?) that is respect. Then he told whoever was covering him “you gonna kiss the baby tonight”. Then he juked that bitch and got a completion. This fucker even did a kickoff and kicked a field goal not for shits and giggles, he was actually #2 kicker on the depth chart. In the End the Bengals beat the New England Fraudulents 7-6.

Funniest thing on this weeks show had to be the talent show. The Roy Williams skit was funny as hell I laughed so hard. But the absolute funniest thing was the Andre Smith Parody. Someone who is fat like him but didnt have the cup size imitated his 40 yard dash performance or I would like to call it the “black man doing the truffle shuffle” yes Andre Smith is a fat bitch. I cant wait for that guy to run out of food so he can sign and we can all go on with our lives.

Most of the teams that appear on Hard Knocks never make the playoffs but can the Bengals make it this year? Probably not but there is a God right? He is fair most of the time so they have a chance. Marvin is a great coach I almost wish he was my dad. They have a new defensive coordinator that doesn’t take any shit and curses like a mutherfucker and probably eats children for dinner. He told Rey Maualuga”Hey hurt guy, I don’t talk to hurt guys” Im going to remember that to tell my kids. Overall it looks bad but these guys work hard and hard work is rewarded maybe not with a playoff run but self satisfaction or a one way ticket out of Cincinnati (I’m looking at you Ochco “Estiban” Cinco).

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