More Arbitrarily-Chosen Power Rankings

Okay fine I'll accept the trade under two conditions; that the White Sox move their home games to Petco and I get to bring my defense with me

Good afternoon, my lovelies. Do you know what time it is? That’s right, it’s 2:00pm ET. Also, it’s time for another installment of Major League Jerk’s Power Rankings.  This week I’m going to rank each team by my own personal favorites; number 1 overall is my favorite team and number 30 overall is my least favorite. Surprisingly, there was only one tie. To break the tie, I chose the team with the better uniforms. Oddly enough though, I liked both team’s uniforms equally, so I then had to resort to plain old alphabetical order. I’m not happy about that, but I didn’t want to put too much effort into this.

So without further ado, the rankings:

1. Chicago White Sox – Do I really have to root for that guy in the picture now? I’d much rather call him an a-hole while he sits on another team’s DL. Oh well. I guess I’ll cheer for him. That pic will never die though.
2. Cincinnati Reds – The Reds are down 3 on Monday night. Starting pitcher Aaron Harang has already thrown 107 pitches. Does that stop Dusty from letting him start the next inning? Heck no. Harang finishes with 120 pitches and another loss. That’s okay though because pitch counts are bullshit.
3. Tampa Bay Rays – All due respect to what Gordon Beckham is doing, but Jeff Niemann is the ROY so far. Fun stat that nobody gives a shit about but actually is pretty important: He went 9 straight starts without giving up a HR. The last starting pitcher to do that was somebody else.
4. Baltimore Orioles – Andy MacPhail did a good job in getting something back for George Sherrill, but can somebody please tell me why Brian Roberts, Aubrey Huff, and Luke Scott are still on this team? I’m not saying they needed to trade all three, but not even one of them? That’s tragic.
5. Detroit Tigers – The Tigers have a weekend series coming up at Comerica against the Twins, then travel to Boston for a 4-game series. If they come out of those seven games still in first, I like their odds from there on out. Then again, their offense has sucked balls all year and they used the trade deadline to add a pitcher. Did you know that Brandon Inge is 9 for 54 with no HR’s and 20 strikeouts since the all star break? Of course you did. You’re smart and you keep up with these things. That dominant performance he had in the derby must have screwed up his swing.
6. Los Angeles Angels – They’re relying on career years from guys who have no business having career years. Where were they when the Phillies were adding Clifton Phifer?
7. St. Louis Cardinals – Replacing Chris Duncan with Matt Holliday is like replacing Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie, only if Jennifer Aniston was an ugly bitch who sucks at baseball. I’m getting better.
8. Milwaukee Brewers – If this team makes the playoffs, who is going to start Game 2? Whomever it is, he’s going to have an ERA over 5. In case you’re not familiar with these newfound glorious stats like ERA, that’s not good.
9. Toronto Blue Jays – According to fangraphs, Vernon Wells has the worst range of any outfielder in baseball and a noodle arm. Would the Jays be better off playing 2 outfielders and 5 infielders?
10. Seattle Mariners – If it’s true that the Mariners turned down the Red Sox’s offer of picking any 5 prospects from a list including Daniel Bard, Michael Bowden, Clay Buchholz, Felix Doubront, Nick Hagadone, Justin Masterson, and Josh Reddick in exchange for Felix Hernandez (who is in year 5 by the way), that’s pretty shocking. That’s the kind of deal that would have made up for the Baltimore debacle, right?
11. Cleveland Indians – At least Matt LaPorta is playing now. That’s something.
12. Arizona Diamondbacks – I’d love to see the look on the other GM’s faces when Eric Byrnes’ name scrolls by on the waiver wire.
13. San Francisco Giants – According to no source that I was able to find, a team with an OPS+ as low as theirs (80) has never made the playoffs. Good luck wrapping your mind around that. As an aside, I look forward to 2013 when an aging Emmanuel Burriss is converted to SS for the Royals.
14. Kansas City Royals – Hey speaking of the Royals, Yuniesky Betancourt hit his first HR since joining the team in mid-July. His slugging percentage is now higher than his on-base percentage. Of course it came in a 10-4 loss, but you have to take the positives wherever you can find them.
15. Texas Rangers – Remember in the preseason when Ian Kinsler was being talked about as a possible MVP candidate? That was funny. You wanna know what’s funnier? He’ll be a preseason MVP candidate again next year. It’s like he’s Grady Sizemore or something.
16. New York Yankees – After Melky Cabrera’s HR on Sunday, every player in their starting lineup now has at least 10 HR’s. They’re slugging .471. I’m not sure how this team ever loses. It may have had something to do with that pitcher from Taiwan, but he doesn’t play anymore, so look for the Yankees to win the rest of their games.
17. Los Angeles Dodgers – Fun stat that isn’t really all that fun: the Dodgers are 2nd in the league in runs scored but only 13th in HR’s. I’m running out of steam here.
18. Philadelphia Phillies – I loved the Cliff Lee trade for the Phillies, but I can’t help but think they’re still weak in that bullpen. Will the Padres put Mike Adams on waivers I wonder? That guy’s a badass.
19. Oakland A’s – Vin Mazzaro is 0-8 with a 7.22 ERA and .347 BAA since he shut out the White Sox and Orioles in his first two ML starts. I hope he ran through plenty of gyne after those first two games because I doubt he’s getting much now.
20. Florida Marlins – Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad, Sean West, and Andrew Miller straight up for James Shields, Matt Garza, Andy Sonnanstine, and Jeff Niemann. Which team says no? I’m guessing Tampa (actually it’s pretty clear to be Tampa), but it’s closer than you’d think. I like the future for the Marlins.
21. San Diego Padres – I’ve never heard of half these guys and the one’s I do know are way past their prime. Most of these guys never had a prime. The fact is we lost our best player to trade. We haven’t won a pennant in 11 years. Obviously it’s time for some changes. This guy here is dead. Cross him off then.
22. Houston Astros – Carlos Lee is in his 11th season. His 162-game averages in the triple crown stats are .292, 31, and 109. He’s ridiculously overpaid, but at least you know what you’re getting with the guy. His team sucks and will continue to suck in the foreseeable future though.
23. Colorado Rockies – Troy Tulowitzki has a .306/.397/.634 line since June 1st. I think he’s back.
24. Pittsburgh Pirates – The common sentiment I heard after the deadline from sportswriters was “hey, at least they have a plan“. This was despite the fact that not one of the prospects they got back was anybody good. Yeah, solid plan.
25. Atlanta Braves – I’m glad that Adam LaRoche is back on the Braves. When he was teaming with his brother in Pittsburgh, I could never remember which one was which. I know one of them is bad at baseball and the other one is just a little bit better. Wait, which one is Adam again?
26. Boston Red Sox – John Smoltz has walked 5 guys in 36 innings. Based on that alone, I’d be willing to give him a couple more starts before pulling the plug.
27. Chicago Cubs – Their big deadline acquisition was John Grabow from the Pirates, a lefty reliever who struggles with control and has trouble getting lefties out. Jim Hendry said he was excited about adding him though because they could just give him Neal Cotts’ old jersey rather than paying for a new one. Hey in this economy, you save money wherever you can.
28. NY Mets – Frenchy remains stuck on 1 walk in 84 plate appearances. It’s the stuff legends are made of. As current president Barack Obama once said, “holy motherfucking shit why the hell can’t that guy draw a fucking walk?” It’s a mystery to us all, Mr. President. It’s a mystery to us all.
29. Washington Nationals – Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall of a front office meeting where one person says “our pitching will be suspect, so we should probably do our best to put a quality defensive club on the field” followed by someone else saying “should we give a bunch of money to Adam Dunn?”
30. Minnesota Twins – Something tells me that Orlando Cabrera isn’t what Mauer and Morneau had in mind when they were pushing for their team to make a trade. It was fun watching them act excited though. I remember one time when I was a kid, I asked my parents for a dog and instead they got me a hamster. I just know they had a good laugh over that one.

See ya next time. Until then, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, just blame your parents and let them worry about it. And if your parents aren’t in a position to help, you can always say “fuck it” and move to a vacation destination. You can sell some cheap friendship bracelets to tourists from the trunk of your car by day and sip boat drinks on the beach by night. You in? Oh come on, don’t even act like that plan is any worse than what you’ve got going on right now. Start packing.