[Scene: Ravens training facility. The team is running through drills. Coach Harbaugh calls Joe Flacco over to the sidelines]
Joe! Come on over here, boy, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, coach. What’s up?
The coaching staff and I have decided to treat this next game as a training opportunity for you. Since it’s a preseason game and means nothing, we’re going to take advantage of it so that you can practice some new techniques in your game management.
……………
Do you understand what I’m saying to you, Joey?
I don’t think I have anything left to learn coach. I’m probably the best young quarterback in the league. Don’t you think you should be having this conversation with Matt Ryan?
…
…..
In Monday Night’s game we’re going to leave you in for the entire first quarter and half of the second. During that time, every passing play we have drawn up will require you to checkdown at least two receivers before you throw to your intended receiver–
No problem, coach, I’ve been practicing that all summer.
AND, you have to pump fake to at least one of them before you throw the ball. Every single play. Do you understand what I’m saying Joey? Does that make sense?
It totally makes sense, coach. Except, what’s a pump fake?
A pump fake? Is that a joke? It’s a pump fake. It’s a fake throw. It’s where you pretend to throw but you don’t actually throw. You’re a fucking NFL Quarterback, how can you not know what a pump fake is?
A fake throw? Like where you move your arm like you’re throwing the ball but you don’t actually let go of the ball?
So you’re familiar with the concept?
I don’t think I can do that coach.
I’m not fucking around, Joey. If you tell me it’s because you think it’s not fair to fool the defense I will cut your ass and and name Troy Smith the starting QB. You hear me?
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Joey?
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[We move to the past, the distant past, when Joe Flacco was only a boy playing in his front yard with his dog Troy.]
Catch the ball boy. Catch the ball, Troy. I love you so much.
That’s a great catch, Troy. You’re the best wide receiver I’ll ever have.
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Joe, I’m home! Where are you son?
I’m outside, dad! I’m playing with Troy. He’s so great.
Why are you staring at him so intently?
How else will he know I’m going to throw him the ball, dad?
Don’t you spoil that dog, boy. You keep throwing the ball to him so perfectly he’ll get lazy and think he’s the boss of you. You gotta fool with him every once in awhile. Watch.
[His father grabs the ball and pump fakes it at the dog. The dog runs to the spot where the ball should be and looks around. He comes running back to them when he can't find it. When he sees that Joe's father is still holding the ball he stops and stares at Joe]
See, Joey, it’s hilarious. Now you try.
I don’t know dad. Troy seems pissed. He won’t even come near us. He’s just staring at us in disgust.
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See what I mean, he thinks he’s the boss of you because you spoiled him. Here, give him a pump fake.
I don’t know, dad, I like the way things are now.
Don’t be a pussy! No son of mine will be such a pussy!
[Joe grabs the ball from his dad, and Troy becomes alert. Joe pump fakes the ball and Troy runs but quickly stops once he realizes Joe faked him out.]
Come here, Troy. It’s okay. It was just a joke.
Really, Troy, it’s okay. You can come back. I was just fooling around a little. It won’t happen again.
Troy, you’re starting to scare me when you look at me like that. You’ve got a crazy look in your eye, a look I’ve never seen before. A look that is scaring the hell out of me. Don’t do anything we’ll both regret, Troy. Let’s be reasonable.
I’m sorry, Troy! I didn’t mean it! Dad made me do it! Please forgive me, Troy.
No, wait! Don’t lie down in the street!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TROY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE!! JOE!! JOE, GODDAMMIT I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!
I’m sorry, what did you say, coach?
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FOLLOW THE GAME PLAN AS LAID OUT?
How can you even ask me that?
/Joe runs away crying
fin
That was great. Nice work, Hef.
I thought Joe was a mime?
Fucking Post Office losing my copy of Madden.
That was almost longer than a Roman post.
The Polamalu car was genius.
those are clearly three different dogs.
I think a Joe Flacco Adventure where Troy Polamalu steps in the way of a Plaxico Burress bullet could have potential.
that was funny heartwrenching and genius.
email those ideas to the writers.
We should probably mention that only 3 dogs were injured during the making of this re-enactment. We don’t want any negative publicity.
Two snaps and a twist plus a kiss!
Michael Vick approves of this post.
That has to be the most Flacco has said in five years.