For those of you who don’t hang out on Twitter like a bunch of degenerates, last night there was a great deal of hubub about relative unknown Yusmeiro Petit’s bid for a no hitter. He held the Pirates [Whoopdee fucking doo, the Pirates, right? --Ed.] hitless into the 8th inning until Ronny Cedeno [career OBP of .219] hit a single with one out in the 8th. When that happened we had to hear the usual chatter about jinxing his no hitter which I think is stupid, especially in this case.
Let me explain why you didn’t jinx Petit’s no hitter:
1. Yusmeiro Petit sucks balls. This one is important because some people may not realize it. Petit isn’t some young up and comer you’ve never heard of, you haven’t heard of him because he sucks balls. Male balls. In 59 appearances (29 starts) totaling 189 IP, Petit has an ERA+ of 79. This year alone his ERA is around 6.75 with a WHIP of 1.622. IF he had thrown a no hitter, it instantly would have been the most dubious no hitter ever thrown. Thanks, Pittsburgh!
2. It was his longest outing of the year. Gee, a guy who can’t make it out of the sixth suddenly becomes less effective when he’s throwing almost 20 more pitches than he has all season? You don’t say. Did you know that if you stay up all night you’re not as alert the next morning? Before last night, Petit hadn’t thrown more than 92 pitches (and that was five days earlier against the Phillies) so maybe it wasn’t because @BBallLover18 suddenly flipped over to watch the Pirates/Dbacks game.
3. Throwing a no hitter is hard. You know who doesn’t have a no hitter who’s better than Petit? Everyone. Even the faggiest shots fall for hits some times because of how the defense is positioned. Remember Luis Gonzalez’s bloop, game winning single in the 2001 WS? Faggiest hit ever but it was a hit. The lesson? The Yankees are gay*.
I get it when a pitcher goes off and sits by himself, away from real people who are actually talking to him. I get it when his teammates respect his privacy so he can focus on the game and prepare for the next inning. All of this I understand. You know what doesn’t jinx a game? All of you assholes who the pitcher never talks to, meets, or hears from ever.
In closing: the universe doesn’t care about you.
*This may not be the actual lesson, but it’s totally true.
yes. YES.
/nodding head
Fuck this guy. More Mark Buehrle.
This shitty Petit owns PA.