Finding Humor in the Kuroda Beaning

If you didn’t see the video of Hiroki Kuroda getting dropped by a line drive this weekend, consider yourself lucky. But, if you still want to see it, click on over and take a gander. It’s horrifying in it’s directness: pitcher throws ball; batter hits ball; ball comes directly back at pitcher’s face missing his face and eyes by inches. These are the events that can prevent pitchers from ever taking the field again for both physical and psychological reasons and it was apparent in the crowd’s reaction on Saturday night that this was not just some everyday comebacker at the pitcher.

Having said all that, there were some funny aspects of the hit:

1. Watch the replay again. The ball bounces so hard off of Kuroda’s head that it goes into the stands for a ground rule double. That’s probably the shortest hit double in the history of baseball. The run at second eventually came around to score.

2. The ball bouncing so far off his head was actually good news.

The fact that the ball traveled so far after hitting Kuroda is an encouraging sign, said Conte, who spoke with sports concussion expert Dr. Mickey Collins of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center on Sunday morning.

“Typically, when the ball ricochets like that, there is a better outcome than if it drops near the mound,” Conte said. “That means it (ball) was on the head for a shorter period of time.”

His translator said it was the shortest amount of time balls had ever been on his head.

3. Probably my favorite quote to come out of this comes from the rookie who hit the liner, Rusty Ryal (who’s name sounds like a sex act). Ryal, after the game, had this to say, “It’s good to see him OK, health-wise.” It’s Good. to see him OK. Health. Wise. Probably the most emotional outpouring of emotional emotions I’ve ever experienced emotionally before. If you don’t mind, I’d like to break down the quote further to analyze it.

“It’s good…”

A little mild but he’s British so you expect that from those stuffy assholes—I’ve just been told that he’s not British, he merely has the emotional range of a retarded Panda.

“…to see him OK…”

I’m not kidding when I saw this I thought I was reading one of those spam sex emails that are written by people who’s English is 3 levels below cab driver.  So far we have that “it is satisfactory to view him as average.”

“…health-wise.”

Ah the money shot.  Before we got to “health-wise” who knew if Ryal even understood that Kuroda had been sent to the hospital and wasn’t drowning his sorrows at the local pub due to a poor pitching performance.  I’m not kidding, the only way I could have found this quote funnier is if Ryal had said, “it is satisfactory to view him as average with regard to his health.” Maybe Kuroda would have seen it as an homage to the language barrier that exists between them.