In order to keep you up to date on the goings on of all the divisions around the league, we will be providing a bi-weekly update on each division.
It’s my goddamn pleasure to update your asses on the NL West this week as my least favorite team in the NL is falling like a gay rock thrown by Johnny Damon in a wind storm (the kind of wind storm that makes you gay). Well, sorta. They’ve been playing below .500 since the All-Star break and lost 2 of 3 at Chase Field this weekend including a come from behind extra-inning loss on Saturday in which their big, fat, steroid using closer gave up back to back homers in the bottom of the ninth to blow a save. That made me happy enough to drink a lot of beer.*
Since then the Rockies have pulled to within 5 games and the Giants have crept to within 6.5. Those that thought the Dodgers would run away with this division are slowly regretting their predictions.
On to the awards!
The Hef Award (Best Hitter of the Past Two Weeks): Congratulations, Mark Reynolds. In the last 14 days you have hit 7 HRs, a double, stolen 2 bases and have mastered the ability of looking like you either don’t give a shit or are so used to hitting HRs that they don’t even phase you anymore. That’s a valuable skill to learn, sir. Pretty soon you’ll be able to fix a juke box by hitting it with your elbow. Next up, making people intimidated by you in 1950s Milwaukee even though you’re only a short Jewish guy posing as Italian simply by wearing a cheap leather jacket.
Runner up: Adrian Gonzalez who broke out of his slump when he resigned himself that he had to finish out the season with the Padres. We can’t all get traded to the Red Sox, Adrian, no matter how much we want to.
The Clown Award (Worst Hitter of the Past Two Weeks): Congratulations, James Loney. In the last two weeks you have 2 hits, only one of which has gone for extra bases. You haven’t hit a HR since July 10th and have contributed to your team’s decay.
Runner up: Randy Winn who has been the runner up in this award all year. That might make him the lifetime achiever of the Clown Award.
The Dan Haren Award (Best Hitter of the Past Two Weeks): Congratulations, Tim Lincecum. In 15.2 IP over the past two weeks, that emo kid has given up just 4 ERs for an ERA below 2. He was so happy with his recent performance that he bought 12 new pairs of skinny jeans and had his hair highlighted.
The Bad Pitcher Award (Worst Pitcher of the Past Two Weeks): Congratulations, Yusmeiro Petit. This guy almost no hit the Pirates two weeks ago and since then has gone 8 innings in two starts giving up 11 runs. Maybe the Snakes should have gone with their first instinct when they contemplated sending him back down to AAA.
Hef’s Stat of the Week: 26 year old Aussie/Rookie Trent Oeltjen finally got a walk in 42 PAs. That means if he were to play an entire season he would get maybe 12-15BBs. In those same 42 PAs he’s only seen 136 pitches for just over 3 pitches per PA. We call those kind of players “short term” where I come from.
*If something doesn’t make me happy enough to drink beer, it usually makes me sad enough to drink beer. Or blase enough. Or angry…
this was funny. quite funny.
Nothing on Strasberg?
Dodger’s September schedule is ridiculously easy. They play Ariz, S.D., S.F., Pit, and Washington.
Is Strasberg in the NL West?
/fag
As much as it pains me to type, the Nats can’t be taken lightly right now.
Which “Best Hitter of the Past Two Weeks Award” is better? The Hef or the Dan Haren?
We don’t fix typos around here. We copy and paste them from week to week and hold up Mission Accomplished banners.
I’m not.
/Chris Young is still collecting a paycheck from the d-bags
It was a general question gaymo.
Neither. This isn’t a very reputable site.
Actually, we’re reputable for how disreputable we are.
i repute that.
Got a source to back that up?
/sparty doesn’t count
i gotta source right hee-yeah.
/grabs crotch
//as per the stereotype of the denizens of the locale where the football giants and jets play their games
The fact that I don’t have source adds to our disrepute.
I repute your disrepute, then triple stamp it with no erasies, touch blue make it true anti-quitsies.
Huff traded to Tigers. AP reports the Tigers had to tell them his stats for this year.
72 RBIs isnt bad.
Yeah, he’s old as dirt though, but couldn’t the O’s have gotten a little better. PHLE, know anything about Brett Jacobson?
Must have been a Money issue.
A little, but more because he doesn’t figure to be around when the Orioles start to contend.
/We may not have a team if that is the criteria
Ty Wiggingtons fat ass is just as efficient.