You h4×0r’s aren’t so 1337 are you?

Fuck no.

Welcome back. Baseball scores to your right. A video below. Spence is right. Queen is underrated.

Pride and Glory with Edward Norton and Colin Farrel on tonight at 8. Never heard of this one, but the cast has me intrigued. It’s on the DVR.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall also on tonight at 8. I thought this was good but underwhelming. I was hoping for something much funnier.

Ok, that’s it for me. Going to go play Tiger Woods Wii. I’m not much of a gamer (haven’t owned a system since 2000), but TW is teh pwnzors.

Seven days until the first Buckeye game of the season! A big w00t to all the tOSU faithful.

A few things I read this week:

I thought this was pretty cool. A woman talks about being pen pals with John Hughes when she was a teenager.

Why Zooey Deschanel is the perfect girl. 

Great interview with Junior Griffey.

CTR: Was it time?
KG: I didn’t even worry about it. They felt they wanted to move me. I told Dusty before the season started that they were going to trade me. He said, ‘There’s no way.’ I told him I was getting traded before the season’s over with.

Did you guys know the Reds used to be more than a fucking laughingstock? Joe Poz wrote a book about it. Here’re some excerpts.

And here’s a fun twitter, courtesy of Rex.

That’s it for me. Scores to your right. You know the drill.

Enjoy your Saturday, everyone.

What a fantastic week here at Casa de Jerk! I have some great news for all of you and I’m sure you’ll be relieved. I had my annual evaluation this week and from the looks of things, I will not be fired any time soon. Seriously, this is great because I have been slacking like nobody’s bidness lately and I probably deserved to be booted.

On another note, I’m getting really sick of my job. I have no real discernible skills besides web surfing and some ASCII art, but I’m very punctual and I make a kickass cup of coffee. If you are in the Central Texas area, please email all job offers to majorleagueclown [at] gmail (dot) com. 6 figures and over please – thanks.

Have a fun music Friday, and don’t forget to give a loved one a hug and a kiss. Put it in her pooper if you’re feeling extra frisky.

Onto the songs: Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

Microsoft photoshopped a black dude out of a picture for their advertising materials used in Poland.  They have since apologized.  Still, you know what Poland would do if they saw a black dude in their advertisements?  Microsoft probably just prevented WWIII.  (Photoshop Disasters)

This dude cheated on his wife and was forced to stand on a corner wearing a sign that said he cheated.  Is his wife still with him?  I don’t get it.  I imagine a lot of guys came by and high-fived him, right?  (Fox News is AWESOME!)

This woman was born with two vaginas and so far she hasn’t been able to find a way to double or triple up as a hooker.  I say she’s just not trying hard enough.  (I Heart Chaos)

My new least favorite site on the internet is called Three Frames.  The idea is they take three frames from a movie and play them like a gif.  Three frames ain’t shit so it’s just a lot of spastic movement.  But people will still find it cool.  Trust me.  (Three Frames)

Jared Allen thinks “schism” is an STD.  Good thing he doesn’t try to be politcally active.  (World of Isaac)

At least Brandon Marshall is in camp.  Top 5 NFL Holdouts.  (Josh Q. Public)

Joe Montana wasn’t average.  (Sparty and Bromances)

The MLJ Video of the Day brought to you by LittleBuddha: I thought we’d end the week by watching little kids get hurt.  You got a problem with that?

After the jump: OH MY GOD!  A MONSTER!!!  GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! Read the rest of this entry »

Hold onto your butts.

That’s it.  It’s all over.  Johnny Law got his way and now we may never find out who was on the list of 104 steroids users who failed their 2003 test.

…the Ninth Circuit held that the federal government’s seizure of computer files which implicated 104 major league players as steroids users violated those players’ Forth Amendment rights.

Well pardon my freedom but the Fourth Amendment never stopped the Bush Adminsitration from doing anything and I don’t think this here Obama Administration should follow suit especially when the issue is baseball and not something trivial like invading a sovereign nation which was never linked to the attacks on our country.  So I ask, nee demand, that every single one of you call your congressmen, your senator and your president, demanding that we all ignore the Fourth Amendment just this once.  This time the Fourth Amendment gets treated like the 18th for awhile.

The only positive I can see coming from this is that we won’t have the ridiculous trickle of names that pop up during a slow news cycle.  You got lucky, Luis Gonzalez, you just might have been spared having everyone’s suscpicions confirmed.

This is, of course, tough shit for Manny, Papi, Sosa, ARod and a few other Yankees.  Those poor bastards were just famous enough to warrant outrage.  How dare they be really good at baseball and then also use steroids to become even better?  I like my steroids users to be mediocre when they start and then become slightly above average.

The case will be reviewed by the Supreme Court where it will promptly dismissed when the justices all make wanking motions.

Kid Toucher

Brian Cashman can go fuck himself. Really, a bullet in the head is not good enough for the guy. Why? Well, he blocked Chris Carter from getting through waivers. Who is Chris Carter? He is the power hitting 26 year old in Pawtucket that was one of the players to be named later in the Billy Wagner deal. Now, I am not a moron. I understand why Cashman did it. He was fucking with the Red Sox 40 man roster. They just got Wagner (the blocking of Carter does not affect the trade). They have Dice-K coming back and Paul Byrd is going to have to be on the 40 Man when they bring him up. After releasing Brad Penny, they have two empty spaces. So they can add Wagner and one of the other two. Not both. So as a matter of fucking with their rival, I fully accept what Cashman did. As a fan of a team that has nothing going for it but the addition of some minor leaguers, I think this was petty and fucked up. Read the rest of this entry »

On Wednesday, Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley said that he roots for 9-inning games rather than games that go into extra innings when he play at Wrigley Field because he can’t wait to get out of that place and go home. When he said it, I didn’t think too much about it because let’s be honest, who amongst us hasn’t thought the exact same thing? The place smells like urine and the beer they sell is Bud products and friggin’ Old Style. Plus, once the racial epithets start flying around amongst the fans, it gets uncomfortable just being there. So when Bradley spoke out about his wish that games never go into extras, I tipped my cap and said, “good for you, Milton. Finally someone is speaking some truth.” Ah, but then Thursday happened. I hadn’t thought about that.

On Thursday, the Cubs were losing 5-4 to the Nationals in the 9th inning. With 2 outs and a runner on 2nd base, Milton Bradley came up to bat. A single would have tied the game and possibly forced extra’s. Of course we all know what happened next; he grounded out on purpose to end the game. The Cubs lost [and all was right with the world], but somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to get behind the idea of a ballplayer losing a game on purpose. I’m as big a fan of Milton Bradley as anybody, but he may need to rethink some things. I’m all for the Cubs losing as many games as possible, but not when it’s done so egregiously and on purpose like it was on Thursday. It kind of takes the fun out of it, ya know?

So if you have any ideas how Milton Bradley can continue helping the Cubs lose games without making it so darned obvious, let us know in the comments and we’ll do our best to get him the message. Read the rest of this entry »

Good evening, friends of excellence.  If today wasn’t the single greatest day in the history of the digitally printed word then I swear to that empty spot in the sky, where people think god is, that I don’t know what else could be.  Think about what we learned today:

• Roman’s post about Derek Jeter possibly getting engaged to that one chick from that show no one watches quickly became the single most popular post in the history of our site [Editor's Note: Popularity = page views not quality of writing].  From this we learned that we are going to become a site that only posts pictures of Erin Andrews getting teabagged at a coffee shop by a barista.  No more baseball analysis or Flacco posts.  Only gossip.  PAGEVIEWS!
• We also learned that posts linking to stories that examine how stats get inflated are boring and have no place at a sports blog due to its lack of tits and insider dating information.
• Let’s see…Shane Victorino and Ryan Howard are thugs who deserve to be kicked out of baseball.  This is almost gossipy.
• Oh and the lady who hates Michael Vick purposefully killed her own dog.

See what I’m saying?  A brilliant fucking day right?  And it only gets better because…

[trumpets sound] Read the rest of this entry »

An accident that could have been avoided if basic pet care had been taken results in the death of the dog of Michael Vick’s biggest critic.

Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals left her 16 year old dog in the back of her car for 4 hours on a hot Virginia day resulting in the dog’s death.

Michael Vick has yet to comment.

(h/t Josh Q. Public)