This Week’s Monthly Power Rankings

I have the power!

It’s Tuesday and it’s late July. You know what that means, right? Of course you do. It’s time for the weekly Power Rankings that run every week in June and only once in July and will run for a yet undetermined number of times in August. Are you pumped? I know I am.

I’ve decided to do things a little bit different this time. In previous installments, I assigned an arbitrary “Power Ranking” to each team. I say it was arbitrary because there was really no rhyme or reason for where each team ranked. For instance, if the Cubs had the 10th best record in MLB, I might have ranked them 28th simply because I hate them with every fiber of my being. Was that fair? Yes it was completely fair. But I’m moving past my own personal biases and instead just ranking them based on their overall record. If two teams share the same record, I will rank them alphabetically. I realize this new system is highly scientific and may be difficult to understand at first, but bear (hands) with me and we’ll get through it together.

So without further ado, the rankings:

1. L.A. Dodgers – A spokesperson for the Dodgers had to dispel a rumor that they were going to trade Clayton Kershaw and James Loney to the Indians for Cliff Lee and Victor Martinez. What he said: “That was just a rumor. There was no truth to it.” What he should have said: “That was just a rumor. We’re not fucking stupid.”
2. N.Y. Yankees – Some time between Mark Teixeira being my first pick in fantasy and Jonathan Papelbon celebrating a ho-hum win in May like he just won the lotto, I found myself rooting for the Yankees over the Red Sox. I’m not sure if this makes me un-American or not, but I can’t help it. I’m only bein’ real.
3. Boston Red Sox – The Red Sox have become my El Guapo. Let’s just hope they’re in line for a similar fall.
4. Orange Angels of L.A. County – Did you know that Chone Figgins’ first name is Desmond? Why would he go by Chone? It makes no sense. If your first name is Desmond, people should call you Desmond. That’s not my opinion, that’s according to science. You know what else? His middle name isn’t even Chone; it’s DeChone. I’m confused.
5. Philadelphia Phillies – This potential trade for Halladay has me torn. On the one hand, they’d be getting a true #1 starter. On the other hand, they’d be giving up their best pitcher, a guy who’s won 7 of 8 decisions. Could we reasonably expect Halladay to win 7 of 8 decisions? Sure. Does that change the fact that nobody after him in the rotation is any good, Cole Hamels included? No it doesn’t. So what did that trade really do? Meh. Like I said, I’m torn.
6. Texas Rangers – hamAIDS is no match for this rag-tag bunch as they’ve won 7 of 8. Respect.
7. Colorado Rockies – Jason Marquis has 61 strikeouts in 131 innings and he plays his home games at Coors, yet he’s only given up 9 HR’s total and 3 at home. Explain that. Okay I will. Batters have hit the ball on the ground against him 259 times. That’s a lot. That’s how you do it. That’s how you debate.
8. Tampa Bay Rays – Proof that ERA+ is misleading for relievers: Chad Bradford has given up 12 hits in 4 innings. His ERA+ is 216.
9. Chicago Cubs – Alfonso Soriano for Vernon Wells, straight up. Which team says no?
10. San Francisco Giants – When all is said and done, the Ryan Garko trade will have no effect whatsoever on anything. I got nothing. Leave me alone.
11. Detroit Tigers – The Tigers have no future. As good as they are today is as good as they’re gonna be for the next 5 years. They’re riddled with bad contracts. Should they be in on these Halladay talks? Porcello would be gone, but by the time they’ll have a chance to be good again, he’d be eligible for free agency anyway. A top three of Halladay, Verlander, and Jackson in the opening playoff series would be pretty nice.
12. St. Louis Cardinals – I like this team. I don’t see a lot of weaknesses here. Love the Holliday trade. But I can’t help but think that the Cardinals winning the World Series again would be boring though. As a baseball fan, I cannot root for that.
13. Atlanta Braves – How many teams can say they have 3 dominant starters and a dominant closer? The Red Sox maybe? The Yankees and Cardinals if we’re being generous? Well the Braves can say that without question. I hope they make the playoffs because they’re exactly the kind of team that would beat the Cubs in the opening round before getting their ass kicked in round 2.
14. Florida Marlins – Advanced fielding metrics actually show that Hanley Ramirez isn’t so bad at SS. A few years from now, I have no doubt that he’ll replace Albert Pujols as my healthy man-crush of a player who is on a team that I couldn’t care less about. I guess we have that to look forward to.
15. Seattle Mariners – I’m glad Yuniesky Betancourt was traded to the Royals because I got him and Wladimir Balentien confused. I bet they confused you too, am I right?
16. Chicago White Sox – Ozzie Guillen says he’s got 7 starting pitchers. It’s that old starting QB adage: if you think you have two starting QB’s, you really have none.
17. Houston Astros – Six of eight starting position players for the Astros are 33 or older. All five of their starters are over 30. I guess management is trying to prove that you don’t have to be smart when making roster decisions in order to be successful. I’ll be keeping my eye on how that develops.
18. Minnesota Twins – An under-rated free agent signing during the offseason has to be Joe Crede for 1 year, $2.5 million. He’s still replacement level with the bat, but who would have thought he’d be the best defensive 3rd baseman in baseball while playing half his games on that turf? Keep it up, Joe.
19. Milwaukee Brewers – Say what you want about Ryan Braun’s comments where he said his team’s pitching staff sucks balls (he may or may not have used those exact words), but he had a point. They really do suck balls. We put a microphone in front of their face and we ask them questions, then we get angry when they give a smart response. That’s not fair.
20. Toronto Blue Jays – J.P. Ricciardi apparently has never learned this very important negotiation lesson, which is ‘the first offer you receive will always be the best one’. I can’t wait until next July when they settle for Brandon Wood.
21. N.Y. Mets – What can be said about the Mets that hasn’t already been said? They can’t stay healthy and they’re on pace to win fewer games per dollar amount spent on salary than any other team in history. Yeah I think that about covers it. Oh also their GM is racist. Can’t forget that.
22. Cincinnati Reds – The Reds are Exhibit A that constructing a successful bullpen is a crapshoot. Their top 5 guys are Francisco Cordero, Nick Masset, Danny Herrera, Arthur Rhodes, and Dave Weathers. The highest ERA of that bunch is Weathers at 3.15. How the fuck does that happen? I don’t know. But if your GM ever gives a 4-year deal to relief pitcher who isn’t a dominant closer, you may want to pay him a visit and kick the shit out of him.
23. Pittsburgh Pirates – I imagine that being a fan of the Pirates is one of the worst experiences on the planet. Their best player is in his 30’s and he’s not even all that good, there’s no fun pitcher to watch who strikes out 11 guys per 9 or is wild and has a lot of HBP’s, and their manager is some guy named John Russell. I had to look that up. What reason could anyone in their right mind have to go see this team in person? I can’t think of one.
24. Arizona Diamondbacks – Did you know that Dan Haren has given up 19 walks in 143 innings? His whip is .839. If I was the GM of the Phillies, I’d call up Arizona and offer them the same package that the Blue Jays already rejected.
25. Baltimore Orioles – Two things you can bet on at the end of every baseball season: the Orioles will have lost 93 games and Brian Roberts will still be on the team. Friggin’ ridiculous.
26. Cleveland Indians -If Cliff Lee gets traded, show me one pitcher on that starting staff that’s any good. Aaron Laffey? Meh. Is that Single-A pitcher they just got from the Giants ready?
27. Oakland A’s – I wish I could bet on things like the A’s will win 95 games in 2012, lose in the 1st round of the playoffs, then begin fielding offers for Mazzaro, Outman, Cahill, and Anderson.
28. Kansas City Royals – Silver lining for Royals fans after watching their team fall into last place where they belong: um…I’m thinking. Well there’s Zack Greinke of course, but they already knew that. I’m thinking more along the lines of what they have to look forward to for next year that they can’t say the same for right now. Oh I got it. Sidney Ponson probably won’t be around. See? I knew I could do it.
29. San Diego Padres -Is it any secret why Adrian Gonzalez is hitting like David Eckstein right now? What incentive does he have to perform well? If anything, he’s playing it smart. By shitting the bed in July, he seemingly has lowered his trade value. This means that the team that potentially trades for him won’t have to give up as much. In other words, his performance in July is helping his future team. He may just be brilliant. Then again, if he doesn’t get traded, he has two more months of hell. Eh, this could go either way.
30. Washington Nationals – A few thoughts: Josh Willingham should play every day, Austin Kearns should never play, and management should be selling high on John Lannan. He’s a poor man’s Mark Buehrle but I’d be willing to bet that there’s some moron GM who’s desperate for pitching who would overpay. This needs to happen, if only so I can say I told you so. I’m selfish like that.

That is all for now. See you next week. Or not.