Robert E. Lee shows his loyalties
In the early 1860’s, a large group of racist rednecks from eleven different southern states concluded that their neighboring states to the north were trying to impede on their right to continue being racist rednecks. In response, they joined together in an effort to secede from the Union.
“Ya’ll from the north ain’t gonna impede on our right to be racist rednecks,” they proclaimed. “We’re gonna secede from the Union, you crazy sons-a-bitches.”
And so they did. In April of 1861, this particular group, nicknamed The Confederates, attacked their neighbors to the north (interestingly enough nicknamed The Yankees) at Fort Sumter. The leader of the Confederates, Robert E. Lee, continued to lead his men into would-be victorious battles throughout the eastern states. It was a glorious time to be a racist redneck from the south as they would proclaim victory after victory over the Yankees.
“We’re proclaiming victory after victory,” said one unidentified man from Atlanta in late 1862. “It’s such a glorious time since nobody can stop us, especially none of them Yankee bastards. Their darkened hue is no match for our pasty whiteness when it comes to war skills.”
Where am I going with this?
If history has proven anything, it’s that racism has no staying power. For this reason, I believe that the Boston Red Sox are due for a pretty drastic fall after the All-Star break. If there’s one thing we know for sure about the 2009 baseball season, it’s that the Red Sox players, management, and fans are all tried and true racists. Just look at some of the guys in their lineup: Jason “Stonewall” Varitek, J.D. Pettidrew, George Pickett. Wait, he’s on the team, right? No? Well either way, my point is that they have approximately one person on the entire team who isn’t white, and that guy isn’t even allowed to play the field.
“Get back on that bench, Eduardo,” said manager Robert E. Francona back in 2003. “We can’t have your kind out there kicking the ball around. By the way, what the hell kind of name is that anyway? Eduardo Ortiz? You need a white man’s name. From now on you shall be known as David. I’ll let you keep your surname, but only if you turn into a prestigious home run hitter. Here, have some steroids.”
Granted, blatant racism may have allowed the Red Sox to get to where they are today by keeping the brown man and the black man down. But if history is a guide, we will soon learn that their perceived superiority is just an illusion. A battle of Gettysburg is upon us. And when it’s over and the Red Sox are left to ponder just how in the world they failed to reach the World Series once again, I’ll be there to deliver the address.
After the Red Sox 4 score and their opponent 7, the baseball gods brought forth in this pennant race a new champion, probably the Rays or Yankees, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, except for Jonathan Papelbon, who should seriously consider killing himself. After he’s finished, it is for us, the living, who shall be dedicated here to the unfinished work that was his douche-like antics. Jonathan Papelbon will not have died in vain, but rather as a reminder that acting like a douche and being a douche is reason enough to kill oneself. It is my hope that after his timely death, Red Sox nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, consisting not just of white people, not just by white people, and certainly not just for white people, but for people of all races, religions, and creeds.
Wait, what the hell is a creed? People always mention creeds, but I don’t really know what that means. Okay let me re-phrase since this is a pretty important address and I wanna make sure I get it right. Okay here goes. [clears throat].
Fuck the Red Sox and all those mother-loving hate-filled white pieces of shit from Boston who root for this piece of shit team and their piece of shit management and their piece of shit players and that god-awful piece of shit Fenway Park.
And with that, I’ll drop the mic and exit stage left with a tip of the cap to B.J. Upton, David Price, Carl Crawford, half of Derek Jeter, and a handful of others.
I may have to avoid some movie theaters for a while.
No Nathaniel Bedford Forrest reference?
Mini-fail.
/Boston sucks.
Forever and ever – Amen.
Oh and before I forget.
Gosd gork happee
that picture is now my background on my work comp…fuckin’ awesome.
This is racist.
Only thing I would have done different is have Robert E. Lee with a pink Red Sox hat.
Nathaniel Bedford should have been included. I’m embarrassed. I want a re-do.
That’s it, I’m done with this bullshit racist site. You’re all embarrassments to the internet.
This. Was. AWESOME.
/Boston really, really, really sucks.
This seems unrealistic, but, if it’s on the internet it must be true.