It’s the acme of stupidity to complain about the same things each and every year; especially the things that may never ever change. So this year we’re taking a different approach to analyzing the All-Star starters: we’re going to do some praising of the voters for the smart things they did too. That way we don’t burn ourselves out too quickly.
Obvious Things They Got Right:
1. Making Albert Pujols #1 in votes received. This one’s a no-brainer on all levels. For starters, he’s the best damn hitter in baseball. For seconders, the game is in St. Louis. For thirdsies, my wife still laughs at his name some five years after she first heard it during the 2004 World Series (I made her watch all 4 games with me). Nice job voters.
2. Derek Jeter. God, the AL shortstop situation is a joke. Jeter sucks and he’s still the obvious choice. How sad.
3. Evan Longoria. There’s nobody even in his league right now in terms of quality. Nice job, America. Though I imagine it was made easy for you with the fact that that the third basemen for the Yankees is a steroid taking cheater.
4. Hanley Ramirez. I’m torn about giving the voters credit for this one since Jimmy Rollins led for so much of the voting. But in the end, the rational voters (read: the ones outside of Philly) came through in a big way to make certain that the worst short stop in the NL didn’t start in the All-Star Game. On a positive note, Rollins did just break out of his 0-28 streak a couple of days ago. So he’s got that going for him…which is nice.
5. The NL Oufield. Wow, not a bad choice there. Beltran, Ibanez, and Braun are all great choices. We also would have accepted: Upton, Dunn or Hawpe, but really nice work.
6. The Absence of Cubs. There isn’t a Cubs player in the starting lineup. Great job, America. Remember last year when there were 2 starters and 8 overall? What a load of crap right? This year, there’s only one total so additional congratulations to the players and managers and everyone else who didn’t vote for those frauds from the North Side.
Stuff They Got Way Wrong:
1. Josh Hamilton. Really? Forget that he’s played only 31 games so far this year. Also forget that those 31 games have been dogshit. Let’s get back to the fact that this guy is famous for kicking a meth habit. Seriously, why are we praising a former meth head and ignoring other, far more worthy athletes who were smart enough not to use drugs in the first place? Is it because he’s white? If Curtis Granderson used smack and then quit and hit 28 HRs in the Home Run Derby would we be doing backflips? I personally hate all drug addicts who aren’t Jewish.
2. Mark Teixeira. Fucking. Bullshit. Nice job, frontrunners. Way to vote in the Yankee with his inflated HR total that he got while playing at the biggest sham of a stadium ever built. Here’s how shammy this stadium is: Johnny Damon already has 16 HRs. His career high is 24 and he’s already on pace to knock that total out of the water despite being past his prime (he’s always thrown like a girl though–that has nothing to do with prime). The Yankees and Teixeira are an embarrassment to baseball. The obvious choice is Kevin Youkilis because he’s not relying on a cheap stadium to score easy HRs.
3. Ian Kinsler. How the fuck is Ian Kinsler not the starting 2B for the AL? I love Dustin Pedroia and I get that he was voted in as reigning MVP on the best team in all of baseball (EVAR!!!) but Kinsler should be starting over Dusty.
4. Yadier Molina? Over Brain McCann? This literally makes no sense to me. I get that he’s the hometown favorite but is that really the reason that a plurality of Americans voted for Yadier Molina over Brian McCann? He’s not even the good Molina. Plus I hear he’s not even white. How did this happen?
5. David Wright? Gayvid is at best the third best 3B in the NL. Probably the 4th. You know who’s better? Pablo Sandoval, Mark Reynolds and maybe Chipper Larry Wayne Jones Jr. Is it because he looks like Malcolm in the Middle? Is that why you voted for him, America? You know the Mets aren’t any good this year right? Right?
when are you going to learn that the fans vote for who they want to see in an exhibition, not necessarily who the best is at their position?
yadii’s defense behind the plate is second to none. i know that all-star voters usually don’t look at defense, but maybe if the faggy braves fans would come out in thousands instead of hundreds, mc cann would have his votes.
Yeah! No one wants to see Youk’s fugly mug. (Tho I can’t explain Pedroia the progeria patient being voted in)
When are you going to learn that I don’t give a shit. If the game means something then I reserve the right to criticize the shit out of everyone who isn’t playing to win. If the game meant nothing I wouldn’t care.
They can’t even come out to a playoff game in thousands. I’m not surprised.
All I want to know is… did Dan Uggla get voted in? I enjoyed watching him boot multiple grounders last year.
And yet his team bailed him out. It was Lidge that gave up the victory. Lidge bangs dudes.
The fans aren’t going to change the way they vote because Selig is a retard. A 10-year-old at a Cardinals home game isn’t going to look at stats. That is why players like Molina are starting.
Did you read either the title or the opening paragraph? Do you know what futile means?
/I’ll hang up and listen
ahem…CRACK habit.
i think the real reason molina is starting is because the NL doesn’t have any good players.
and manny should totally be starting for the NL. there is no real argument that i’ll accept saying otherwise.
Sorry. As punishment I’ll start using crack and then give it up so you’ll all love me no matter how shitty I am.
/always sunny’d
Agreed. How many homers would Pujols have in the AL? 19?
filler? now i get it.
Sorry, I’ll go back to posting forwarded emails from patphish.
i admit it. we gots nothing
i am so happy to know you took the effort to click over to our site.
it’s ok…we’re quite candid when we have nothing.
plus it’s fucking july. there aint shit except golf, tennis and some other sport i think. i can’t remember tho. i think it’s called hitball or something, i dunno.
i actually wrote a tennis post today.