2009 College Football Preview: The SEC

Ah yes…the SEC.

While the SEC is not the brutal gauntlet from hell it’s been in the recent past, it’s still right there at the top as far as toughest conferences go.  I’m not going to get into a Big XII vs. SEC debate here, because it’s pointless (considering Florida’s winning the NC this year) and boring, but if you think the SEC is weak just because Georgia, LSU and Tennessee have some questions to answer, then you’re an idiot.

So lets get right to it, shall we?

The Swill: Well…not quite the swilliness that we saw at the bottom of the Big 10, but there’s not a lot of reason to be hopeful if you’re Mississippi State.  Vanderbilt, despite coming off of a strong year is still the token “smart school” and won’t be scaring anyone considering the depth in the rest of the conference.  Kentucky…well, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Of course I rarely follow this axiom, but nevertheless, I don’t want to waste time covering a team that’ll be lucky to win four games.  And I’m not going to talk about South Carolina, no matter who their head coach is.  They have a nice defense and a terrible offense full of shit.

The Nougat: There’s a lot of teams that fall into this category because the top two teams in the SEC aren’t only the class of the confernce, but arguably, two of the most powerful teams in the country.  While most of these teams would normally qualify as “powerful,” the question marks that surround them are just too glaring to ignore when compared to the top dogs.

Georgia is replacing 90+% of their offensive output, and all-time program hosses in Knowshon Moreno and Matt Stafford, a personal favorite.  Joe Cox, fifth year senior, takes Stafford’s place behind center, and seeing as this IS Georgia that we’re talking about, you can be pretty sure they have a bunch of capable RB recruits who can step in.  The OL is healthy, AJ Green is there and the defense will be a collection of pissed off, scary dudes as per Georgia state rule.  Nougat might be a little demeaning towards the Dawgs, but while they’re a strong team, they’re an echelon behind ‘bammer and Florida.

Another team that has a bunch of question marks is LSU. The Tigers will have a fantastic defense presumably, even though last year’s unit was a fucking mess.  There’s just WAY too much talent on that side of the ball to be as shitty as they were last year.  The offense is your typical LSU offense…weird QB who nobody knows what to expect from surrounded by the most massive OL in college football, a stable of RB’s who are all outrageously talented and your garden variety, 6′+ 200ish pound WR’s who can run like gazelles and play physical.  Ciron Black might be the best LT in college football too, if that means anything to you.  Look for Jordan Jefferson to grow into the QB position even if Russell Shepherd is the prized recruit with all the hype.

Auburn is going through a rough period.  Gone is capable coach Tommy Tuberville and his replacement, Gene Chizik, was greeted with fanfare like this from around the SEC. Gotta love that, right?  Well, Chizik was a successful DC at both Auburn and Texas, and while his head coaching stint was just fucking terrible, there are a lot of good defenders in Auburn.  The biggest problems?  Nick Saban, Nick Saban and the fact that the offense will be even MORE brutal to watch than last year’s.  If it wasn’t for the fact that this is Auburn, they’d be in the Swill section.

Another team that barely escaped the Swill section was Arkansas. Despite the hype that comes with Bobby Petrino and Ryan Mallett, Arkansas doesn’t scare anyone.  They’re middle of the road on defense, and unless Petrino can rekindle the offensive magic he’s known for, this could be a long seasons.  So why didn’t I Swill-em?  Because, despite being the biggest asshole known to man, Petrino knows offenses and makes QB’s rock and Mallett is as good a fit as any for what Petrino wants to do.  This is a season of growth for the Razorbacks, and next year should be a LOT better.

I love me some Houston Nutt, but I’m EXTREMELY skittish about Ole Miss’ chances this season.  Every year there’s some team that gets hyped out the ass based on their previous season, gets a harder schedule and finds themselves outside the top 25 by November, and the Rebels fit this description.  Snead and Hardy are household names to college football fans, but the loss of uber-beast Michael Oher will hurt bad.  There’s some decent OL prospects, but there’s a target on the Rebels’ back and every SEC team worth a shit will be gearing up hard to take them down.  While I’d love to get all giggity (/copyright EDSBS) on you, I’m not.

While I’d love to talk about Lane Kiffin and his general fuckitude at Tennessee, I’m not going to.  I don’t care about that off field shit and I don’t really give a shit about what that fuckster says.  There’s a ton of questions regarding Tennessee and not a lot of answers.  There isn’t a WR worth a shit since the entire WR corps decided to go and get hurt, and the rest of the offense can be described thusly…Jonathan Crompton is the QB.  Ouch.  But Eric Berry is there and Eric Berry is the best thing since Eric Berry.  There’s not a lot to talk about regarding actual FOOTBALL with this program, but there’s Eric Berry getting coached by Monte Kiffin, and we should all be grateful for that.

The Only Two Teams Worth Mentioning: Again, this is really fucking obvious.

Alabama has the first or second best defense in the country (an honor shared with the team mentioned next).  One of the few college football teams that run a pure 3-4, Alabama is nasty, fast, strong and basically everything you could want from a defense.  Terrence Cody is my favorite player in all of college football because he’s a 360+ pound mountain of a man who plays NT at an already-NFL ready level.  He’s a fucking hippo.  You CANNOT block him with one guy, and even then, those blockers aren’t pushing him anywhere, and because of this, the two ILB’s, one of which being badass Ronaldo McLain, get to just wreak havoc all over the backfield.

Lets not kid ourselves here…Nick Saban, while a huge asshole, is one HELLUVA football coach and recruiter.  There’s so much fucking talent just streaming into this program that it’s obscene, and nowhere is this felt more than the secondary, per Saban trend.  Javier Arenas is an All-American at CB, and the rest of the secondary is well coached, disciplined and more athletic than pretty much any other secondary in the nation.  There’s experience backed up by highly sought after recruits.  While the ONE weakness of this ‘Bama defense is their relative lack of a pass-rush, this is more than made up for the fact that opposing WR’s weren’t going to get open anyways.  Watch their secondary next time you watch an Alabama game…it’s fucking beautiful.

Offensively, Alabama is bland outside of Julio Jones.  Greg McElroy might as well call himself John Parker Wilson 2.0, but he DOES get to throw to Jones and hand off to stud RB Mark Ingram, who will take over as the clock killer.  The OL is in transition, but there’s some talent there, and again, this is a Nick Saban football team.  They’re not going to score 40, or even 30, but they don’t need to.  Some teams are cobras, like Florida, and some teams are anacondas.  Alabama is an anaconda…they squeeze you to death with the Tressel-ian combination of a smothering defense, a clock killing offense and strong special teams.

You may find Alabama incredibly boring, but if you’re a fan of great defenses, they’re as close to can’t miss TV as you’ll find in college football.  If you like tons of points, steer clear, but if you like teams that beat the living shit out of their opponents and take great pleasure in doing so, Alabama is the team for you.

Which brings us to Florida.

You know all about the defending National Champions by now.  They have the greatest player ever to play collegiate football in a system designed to exploit every talent he has.  Tim Tebow is surrounded by guys who fit this style of offense perfectly and he knows how to work with all of them.  Florida has an extremely strong and athletic OL, a stable of every kind of WR you can imagine, from quarkback to lumbering possession WR to athletic TE who can stretch the middle of the field, and a bunch of RB’s who can get shit done if given the opportunity.

Urban Meyer is the coach.  His track record speaks for itself.  He’s not going to Notre Dame.

But this isn’t why I like Florida.  Well, I do like watching their big-play offense a whole helluva lot, but offenses are for show.  Why I LOVE Florida’s NC aspirations this year is that freak nasty defense that returns every single starter from last year’s top 10 unit.

Lets look at the big names…everyone knows who Brandon Spikes is.  He’s one of the best LB’s in the country (right up there with Navorro Bowman, Sean Lee and Sergio Kindle…if he even qualifies anymore considering he’ll be playing a lot of DE this year) and will, literally, try and kill you (right Knowshon?).  The secondary rivals anyone else’s in the country, including Alabama’s, with guys like Wandy Pierre-Louis and, all around badass safety, Major Wright.

But where Florida will make teams pay is not with the back 7, but with the four man front they employ.  Let me tell you something from personal fan’s experience…facing a Florida DL isn’t fun.  They get after you like few other’s in the country do, and when they have you in their sights, it’s done, son.  There’s about a million of these motherfucking DE’s who are like 6′4″ 250 lbs and can run down gazelles, and frankly, I have neither the time nor the patience to list them.

The guy who freaks me out, though, is DT/DE hybrid Carlos Dunlap, a 6′6″ 290 lb. SOPHOMORE who has the athletic ability of a linebacker.  He’s been through his fair share of off-field trouble and has a mean streak on the field which means he’s out for blood, and for someone with that package of physical abilities, that’s a scary fucking scenario.  He’s the guy to watch on this Florida team, not Tebow, not Spikes, not Brandon James, but Carlos Dunlap.  Trust me on this one…you’ll know by the end of the season.

Now excuse me…I hate Florida and need to go puke because I just fellated them.  I feel like Sharon Stone did in Casino when she just married Robert DeNiro…I’m sick to my stomach and need to make a call to Tressel just to feel a little better about myself.

Worst Team in the Conference: Kentucky

Potentially Decent Team that will Fall Apart: Arkansas

Mid-Tier Bowl Game Badasses: Georgia…just because ‘bama and Florida are getting BCS bids leaving Georgia out.

First Coach to Get Fired: Steve Spurrier, South Carolina

Boringest Team: Auburn…by MILES.

What Conference is this Again Team: Vanderbilt

Best Non-conference Matchup: Georgia vs. Oklahoma State

Best Conference Matchup: Florida vs. LSU

Coach of the Year: Nick Saban, Alabama

Offensive Player of the Year: Tim Tebow, Florida

Defensive Player of the Year: Eric Berry, Tennessee

Heisman Contenders: Tebow…but Berry should be on the list because he’s that fucking good.

Bowl Teams: Florida, Alabama, Georgia, LSU, Ole Miss, Auburn, and I think Tennessee sneaks into one somewhere.

Conference Champion: Florida