Now that I’ve finished moving into my new place and taking advantage of the glory that is the MLB Network, I’ve been watching more baseball that I ever have before when I was saddled with ESPN’s game of the night or the local Indians (and occasional Reds) coverage. While this doesn’t mean a whole lot because I really don’t care about other teams, it does give me an opportunity to see the biggest difference between the two leagues…
No, not the strategic differences, because really, the NL is just playing limited baseball with inferior players, but the more important matter…the shittiness that is the NL uniform landscape.
Really, when I was thinking about the worst uniforms in the Majors, I thought about each team individually. Sure, there are some shitty unis in the Big Boy’s League, but really, aside from the Mariners and White Sox, nothing really stands out when compared to the crap threads the NL is throwing out there on a nightly basis. And while I really could’ve just made this about the NL, I felt that there were two AL inclusions that had to be mentioned when discussing the worst clothes in the empire.
The list after the jump…
5. Arizona Diamondbacks: Just a hideous offering from a hiedous team (fuck you Hef…or are you a Sawx fan this week?), the D-Backs need a complete redesign, even though they just did a complete redesign a year ago. What’s so bad about the current kit? Aside from the bright red color, which is unbefitting as a baseball color when paired with anything other than navy blue, the biggest offender is the terrible font and logo. This just screams minor leagues, which makes a lot of sense seeing as they play in AAAA.
4. Tampa Bay Rays: These unif…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Sorry, dozed off for a second. What’s the Cuban word for “boring?” I guess when your fanbase is either asleep or a collection of transient octagenarians, boring isn’t that bad. Should I give these guys the benefit of the doubt because ANY uni looks like shit when playing in a warehouse? Meh…no, I shouldn’t.
3. Chicago Cubs: WHAT??!?!?!?! How can you put the Cubs here? They’re classic! They’re timeless! They’ve never changed!
So what? They’re ugly. The regular pin-striped home jerseys are fine enough that I don’t have a problem with them, even if the logo on the shirt is pretty fucking 1987. Their road unis suck, flat out. They might be the most boring set of road grays in all of baseball, but even that’s not the major offender here.
What is are their FUCKING ATROCIOUS solid blue tops. Seriously…those things are so fucking hideous, they don’t even belong as batting practice jerseys. Before you start screaming, I have a major problem with classic teams adopting the colored tops as an alternate. Boston’s belong on this list too, but their home and road kits are pure glory, and the same goes for the Giants, who occassionally trot out some hideous threads. But the Cubs don’t have the benefit of having great uniforms to begin with AND they’ve been wearing the colored top on at a much more frequent clip than ever before.
I love all things traditional when it comes to uniforms, but these are in desperate need of some subtle tweaking and a wholesale abandonment of the colored tops. A SLIGHTLY darker shade of blue would work wonders, but the colored top needs to go. NOW.
2. Colorado Rockies: Purple and black? Great, you look like a bruise. A bruise outlined in garish, sparkly silver trim.
This screams “Free Alignment Night at Coors Field!!!”
And get rid of the eleventy billion alternate uniforms while you’re at it. There’s a little saying that quality beats quantity, and the Rockies should definitely take note. Just because you have forty versions of shit doesn’t change the fact that each version is still shit.
1. Houston Astros: Why? There’s an old football saying “if you have two QB’s, you really have none,” and this holds true for the Astros. Well…when you have four fucking thousand alternate uniforms, you don’t have any.
Lets think of the list real quickly…you have home whites with stripes and without, you have road grays with stripes and without, you have black tops with striped bottoms and non-striped bottoms, you have red tops with striped bottoms and non-striped bottoms. That’s 12 combinations. TWELVE!!! What the fuck do you need all that shit for?
Not only that, but this is a classic case of classic butt-banging modern. Let me tell you something, classic uniforms didn’t have garish trim, so why take a classic, traditional script across the chest and make it all shiny and gay? Simple is better, people. Just because you have 12 combinations of uniforms won’t distract the fans from the shitty team that goes out there every night.
Plus, their old hat was just incredible…they totally should’ve kept that.
Not So Honorable Mentions: White Sox, Twins (they just need to change the lettering on their jerseys…thank God they rarely wear the “M” on their hats anymore), Marlins, Padres (why do you insist on pee colored unis and camo?), Brewers (like the NFL’s Bills, they need to switch to their throwbacks permanently), Indians (color scheme keeps them afloat…too many alternates and terrible logo almost put them on), Mets (get rid of the black), Braves, and any All Star Game Uni.
remember when this site was against lists? and they made fun of tbl for making lists?
Count me in. That’s better than any promotions they had when I lived there.
Glad you didn’t put the O’s on this list. I would have had to kill you.
is spencer trying to audition for the open blog spot on bravo’s top design?
FUCK no…their threads rock.
im progressive like that…making fun of lists was so bourgeois, i decided to embrace the list. im a neo-listist.
Amen brother.
Where are the Yankees?
The O’s need to go back to this. Do it for Matt Wieters.
right here.
do it for ‘merica.
I think your hatred for the White Sox is clouding your judgement here. I will admit that Ozzie is a meth addict and Kenny Williams is a rapist, but if there’s one thing they have going for them, it’s their uniforms.
I believe it’s a scientific fact that the Reds have the best uniforms in…(checking)…4eVaR!
happy…nope. color is a good thing here…take a look at the pirates unis. they’re quite similar with black being predominant, but just that little bit of yellow adds that certain je nes se quoi that takes it from methy to classy.
The first time I noticed the new White Sox cap was the Nothing But a G Thang video. I thought to myself, maybe Chicago isn’t so bad. Everything I knew about Chitown previous to that came from Family Matters and Perfect Strangers.
superandy disagrees…the only color acceptable is white…and whyyyyyte
/paolo’d
Everything I learned about Chicago I saw in the Fugitive, Candy Man, and a video of R. Kelly on limewire. That place sucks.
everything i learned about chicago came from webster,the bob newhart show and married with children.
everything I learned about chicago came from my last five trips there. And the class I took on MidWest American cities. And my friend, Dave who wrote a tour guide book about Chicago.
Everything I learned about Chicago I learned from jmorris.
everything i learned about chicago came from reading a map. apparently everything is real small and the entire city is about a foot long.
“MidWest American Cities” is the name of a college course? Where at, Aushawitz Community College? Andy Katzenmoyer is very interested.
Spencer..I hate the Mets black Unis…and I don’t see the Indians blue tops on there…those suck sack too…The Indians other unis rock…Also looking at the Pirates unis last night…every player on the team needs to look at how Nyjer Morgan wears it and follow suit…the stirrups are the tits
Google’s server isn’t powerful enough to help me understand the meaning of that.
roman…indians are in the dishonorable mention.
and you’re damn right about morgan. this is how a baseball player should dress.
I’m also struggling to get any meaning out of that comment. You have 10 seconds to clarify.
This post is borderline gay.
I was only scanned this post for the word “Mets” I humbly apologize
i was watching mlb network last night when they switched to the pirates game and a buddy of mine who never watches baseball noted the stirrups. that is fucking groundbreaking. they need to make that shit mandatory. and all baseball players need to dip too.
Spence,
Can you just write a sequel to the Marijuna Post you didn’t write? Thanks.
i agree with both points wholeheartedly.
/spits
sure, why not?
also, i was crushed to find out that my nomination for the dipping hall of fame chris duncan fucking quit. apparently he had some surgury and his “doctor” told him he had to quit or he wouldn’t do the surgury for him. no one likes a quitter chris, take one for the team and pack that lip full of some sweet, sweet backer.