Weekly Nintendo Power Rankings

It’s Tuesday and it’s morning. You know what that means, right? Yep, you guessed it. It means that I have a rash that won’t go away and the cream I applied to it seems to have made it worse. Also, it’s time for the weekly monthly yearly centuryly Power Rankings. The first two installments were so popular that they were seen walking around town in an oversized hat and they even started their own twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. Well it’s here, but it’s not there.

Okay it’s there.

Where was I? Oh right, oversized hats. And power rankings. Let’s get to ‘em. As per usual, each team’s previous ranking (like you care) is in parenthesis.

1. Dodgers, 39-20 (1): They’re only 5 and 5 in their last 10 games, but the good news is that they’re already 19 games over. You think any other team from the NL West will finish 19 games over? Nah me neither. The Dodgers are in the playoffs. Congratulations.
2. Yankees, 34-23 (2): Remember when people were wondering what was wrong with Mark Teixeira? Yeah that was cute how they did that. Mark Teixeira’s baseball skills are equivalent to titties in my face. First person to figure out how the metaphor correlates wins a fake prize.
3. Phillies, 33-22 (3): A pretty successful start to their roadtrip. They swept the Padres, split with the Dodgers, and now get to come back to the east and beat up on the Mets. Advantage Phillies.
4. Red Sox, 33-24 (5): They’d be better off DH’ing Julio Lugo. Josh Beckett has started doing his best Josh Beckett impression though, so this team’s about to go on a run. You heard it here fifth.
5. Rangers, 33-24 (4): They’re the only team in the AL West with a positive run differential, they’re the only team in the AL West with a winning record on the road, and they’re the only team in the AL West that has Scott Feldman on their team. Wait, Scott Feldman? Yes, Scott Feldman. All he does is continue to put up quality starts and win. You cannot stop Scott Feldman [Scott Feldman sucks].
6. Brewers, 33-24 (7): Did you know that Mike Cameron has put up an OPS+ better than 100 in every season since 1999? Well he’s doing it again this year (139). Every year it’s the same thing with this guy; solid defense in CF and a capable bat. Why doesn’t he get more pub? It’s probably due to racism. Wait, Mike Cameron is black, right?
7. Tigers, 31-26 (9): WE SUCK THE LEAST! WE SUCK THE LEAST! WE SUCK THE LEAST!
8. Blue Jays, 33-27 (10): Ladies and Gentlemen, Alex Rios.
9. Cardinals, 31-27 (6): Hey remember before the season started when I compared Ryan Ludwick to Morgan Ensberg? No you don’t remember? Well I did it damnit. I think it was in my Cardinals preview. I can look it up if you don’t believe me. Anyhoo, Ludwick’s current batting line is .234/.295/.454. Is there anything else you need to know? Stock tips? Advice on the current housing market? I can be quite smart when I want to be [don't look at my fantasy team].
10. Mets, 30-25 (8): The only thing that prevented them from being swept by the Pirates in a 4 game set was the rain. Stopping the free-fall on Sunday was savior Livan Hernandez. Nothing about these guys makes any sense.
11. Cubs, 28-26 (13): Alfonso Soriano has 14 HR’s and 27 RBI’s. I haven’t researched it in order to figure out all the reasons why that’s happened, but I’d wager a guess that one of the reasons is because he bats immediately after the pitcher 2 or 3 times a game. We’re approaching 3 full years of glorious logic with that one.
12. Reds, 29-27 (11): I really do think this team is a healthy Joey Votto away from making a move in the NL Central. It’s sad that he got hurt when he did. I’m genuinely broken up about it. I think I may be a Reds fan.
13. Giants, 29-27 (14): It’s been 5 starts since Matt Cain allowed more than 1 ER. The More You Know!
14. The California Anaheims of O.C., 28-27 (12): Where would this team be without Toriiiii Hunter? No for real. I’m asking sincerely. Where would they be? You don’t have an answer, do you? Well I do. They’d be in Tampa for a 3-game series starting today. /literal’d
15. Braves, 28-28 (15): Would you call me an idiot if I said that the Pirates got the better end of the Nate McLouth deal? You would? Oh, well it’s a good thing I didn’t say it. But just so we’re clear, the Pirates got the better end of the Nate McLouth deal.
16. Rays, 29-30 (17): What’s the cure to what ails you? Playing the Kansas City Royals, of course. That and having 3 guys at or near a 1.000 OPS. This team’s going to be fine.
17. Twins, 28-31 (16): If I told you before the season that on June 9th, Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer would be carrying their offense, you wouldn’t have believed me. But that’s the thing about baseball, you just never know how this silly game will surprise you.
18. Mariners, 28-29 (21): If the Mariners can figure out how to continue winning without scoring more than 3 runs, they may be onto something.
19. Padres, 27-30 (19): Jake Peavy can continue licking my balls. Either that or he can continue having starts like the one he had against the Phillies last week. And if you don’t think I’m going to cherry-pick individual starts where he craps the bed for the rest of the season, well then you just don’t know me.
20. White Sox, 27-31 (18): Why are the White Sox not playing Gordon Beckham every day? What sense does that make? The kid is obviously a scrappy gamer who plays the game the right way (white). When he goes out to the bar after the game, he wears his full uniform. In pickup basketball games, he’s always the first one picked because he can run the point and he gets every loose ball. He has Biggie Smalls on his iPod. Basically what I’m trying to get at is this kid needs to play every day. Otherwise send him back down.
21. Royals, 24-32 (20): Right now their best hitter is a guy named Alberto Callaspo. That’s a recipo for disaspo. What, you think this is easy? I’d like to see you try.
22. Pirates, 26-31 (23): If you thought that whole episode with the Pirates lighting a candle in Nate McLouth’s memory was a little faggle, raise your hand. [watches everyone's hand go up, including Nate McLouth's]
23. Marlins, 28-31 (24): In hindsight, Hanley Ramirez being the consensus top pick in fantasy may have been a little bit premature, no?
24. A’s, 26-30 (30): I can no longer keep them in the 30th position. Seven wins in a row and some unbelievable pitching will do that for you. They still can’t hit, but all of the sudden they’re getting crazy pitching performances from guys you’ve never heard of. I suppose we’ll have to talk again when they have to do it against a team that isn’t the White Sox or Orioles, but for now, I like what I see.
25. Astros, 25-30 (26): The Astros are 3rd in the NL in batting average, 5th in OBP, 4th in SLG, and 12th in total runs. Wait, 12th?!? Why the hell doesn’t this team score more runs? Odd stat of the day: Miguel Tejada has a .378 OBP but only 6 walks. I’m not a betting man (yes I am), but I’d be willing to wager that he doesn’t maintain that OBP.
26. Orioles, 24-33 (22): That sound you heard was Brian Roberts’ name going back up on the trading block. Wait, why would that make a sound? What is that ringing I hear? Would somebody please answer that damn phone?!?!? /hernia’d
27. Diamondbacks, 25-33 (25): Dan Haren would have 8 or 9 wins by now if he was on a team that wasn’t incompetent. 85 IP, 61 hits allowed, 83 k’s, and only 11 walks. What’s his record? 4 and 4. On a positive note for his agent though, I think he only has one more arb year left. I’m going to test the powers of the internet now by throwing out a fake trade rumor. Dan Haren and filler to the Red Sox for Clay Buchholz, Justin Masterson, Jed Lowrie, and a young minor league outfielder with some upside. Ooo, sounds like a scorcher.
28. Rockies, 25-32 (27): Is there anything about this team that a Rockies fan could be excited about? Any young players tearing shit up? Nope and nope. Does Brad Hawpe have a no trade clause? Let’s hope not.
29. Indians, 25-34 (28): Their run differential suggests they’re not as bad as their record. Considering the division they’re in and how Sizemore has been hurt all year, I have no problem predicting another late-season run that leads them to 81 wins and a 2nd place finish that gets everyone excited for 2010. Lather, rinse, repeat.
30. Nationals, 15-40 (29): They’ve belonged here all along, so I suppose this day was inevitable. A team that hits like they do shouldn’t be historically bad, but it’s looking like they’re on their way.

See you next week. You can’t wait.