dadI’d like to take a moment here at MLJ to not only celebrate fathers in general, but to celebrate one of the greatest fathers ever.  You see, fathers are an important aspect of a young man’s life.  They teach you how to throw and hit.  They teach you that no matter what, no matter fucking what, you don’t let that grounder get past you.  Who cares if it bounces up and hits you in the eye, if it gets past you, you’re running laps.  If it gets past you, two runs score and the rest of the team is going to hate you.  Keep your stance wide and your arms low and don’t let it get past, asshole.

Father’s teach you how to dribble a basketball and they’re part of the greatest sports joke ever:  What’s the hardest part about [wrestling/playing golf/playing tennis] in High School?  Telling your dad you’re gay.

Father’s teach you that no matter what, no matter goddamn what, do not get that girl pregnant.  I don’t care how much you love her and no matter what she says to you, do not, I repeat, do not ride bareback.  He does this without implying that his kids ruined his life.

Father’s teach you about team loyalty.  They teach you that while you ultimately have the choice in which team you root for, there are certain teams that only fags and frontrunners root for.  Thus, a good father never lets his son root for the Yankees or the Dodgers.

Finally, fathers are there when you strike out.  They’re there when you drop that can of corn.  They’re there when you fail to put down the bunt and when you make a baserunning error that costs your team a run.  In those times, they’re there to tell you that everyone makes mistakes, you’ll get ‘em next time, and if I ever see you throw your helmet on the ground like that again I’m gonna beat your ass in front of all your friends.

And since there isn’t a father in the world who exemplifies these traits as well as one man, today we honor Hef, the greatest father the world has ever known.  Congratulations, Hef.  May our offspring be half as brilliant and charming and brave and courageous as you have made your own sons.  Mazel tov.

Onto the baseball.

Red Sox 3, Braves 0. The Fenway faithful showed a ton of class yesterday (like usual) in greeting Derek Lowe with a standing ovation in his first trip to Fenway in a Braves uni.  Easily the classiest organization in all of baseball.  Beckett was able to hold the Braves scorless despite not having his best stuff yesterday.  That’s what winners do.

Marlins 2, Yankees 1: It’s not exactly a secret that Johnny Damon throws like a girl, but now he can’t catch either.  His error in the sixth proved to be the difference in the game.  Dan Uggla homered without even committing an error in the field.  We’ll have Elias check out the last time that happened.

Rockies 9, Pirates 7: Todd Helton decided to celebrate Fathers Day a bit early last night by hitting a walkoff two run homer.  He also celebrated Fathers Day early by going to bed at a reasonable time and having a nice steak dinner.

Cubs 6, Indians 5: Dear Cleveland: Fuck you.  Why can’t you maintain a lead against this piece of shit team?  You’re embarrassing yourself, the AL West, your fathers, and also yourself.  I can’t believe how ridiculous this is.  Don’t you understand?  I want you to beat the Cubs.  Isn’t that enough motivation to win?  And then getting a lead in the 10th but not holding onto it?  At least you have AIDS to fall back on.

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