panda1I’m so happy right now I could weep into bottle and then sell my tears as a healing agent.  It’s almost the two year anniversary since the Panda signed his ridiculous contract extention!!! That’s right, it’s been almost two years since the last time the Panda was relevant, so much so that there were actual, intense discussions about how much he was worth that didn’t end with “…and 12 maple bats, final offer.”  But lo, there has been some trouble in pandadise lately as everyone in the entire universe, besides Eric Byrnes and his kids, regret the contract.

Eric Byrnes is about halfway through his three-year, $30 million contract extension and the Diamondbacks outfielder is hitting .220 this season, .214 the past two seasons and .223 since the day the deal was announced…

This was not what any of them had in mind – not Eric Byrnes and certainly not the Diamondbacks, who thought they were locking up a vital player but instead agreed to a deal that, because of its ramifications, might go down as one of the worst moves in franchise history.

Let’s just clarify a statement real quick: this is sort of what Eric Byrnes had in mind, right?  Play like a crazy person during a contract year and then reap the benefits regardless of the fall out?  Isn’t that why players perform better during contract years?  So…yeah.

Oh and let’s look at some of the worst moves in franchise history:

1. Gave away Curt Schilling for a bucket of balls to the Red Sox (Thanks, Arizona!)
2. Giving away Carlos Quentin for a bucket of balls.
3. Losing Dan Uggla in the Rule 5 Draft.
4. Traded away Brad Penny before he started amounting to anything.

I’d say it’s somewhere between 1 and 2, right?  I mean, giving away a future hall of famer for nothing is hard to top.  But signing a Panda to play left field (and then paying that Panda $30MM!!!!) is pretty crazy.

“I wish I was able to sign my deal and go out and put up three All-Star years,” Byrnes said on Sunday. “Of course, I’m sure that’s what the fans expected, too. Unfortunately, I got hurt last year and definitely threw some things off track. But the one thing I can guarantee you is I’m going to continue to bust my a– every day to get back to the level I played at before and ideally even better.”

I mean sure I “want” to do better.  I mean, it’s not like I’m actively wishing harm on the team.  But what am I gonna do, huh?  I bust my ass diving after balls that I won’t be able to catch.  Sure they go by me for a two base error but the dive shows I’m trying right?  And what do you expect?  I’m a goddamn Panda?  I’ve got short little arms!

The deal looks bad on the surface but worse when examined more closely. Injured or not, Byrnes has not produced, and, for a mid-market franchise minding its budget, how could the money Byrnes is getting be better spent?

And had Byrnes departed as a free agent, would outfielder Carlos Quentin have been dealt to the Chicago White Sox, where injuries last season might have been the only thing preventing him from an MVP award?

Short answer: no.  Long answer: there’s no way in hell.  The Panda would have left, creating a hole in left field that would have been plugged by the guy who was still trying to meet expectations.  Quentin would have stayed in Arizona and the Panda would be begging on a street corner in Taiwan where the locals (for some reason) still find him cute.

Byrnes says he doesn’t concern himself with what other people think. He understands he has a lot of doubters.

There’s not a doubt in my mind that this is true.  If he concerned himself with what other people thought, he wouldn’t make his TV show every week for Fox Sports Arizona.  He wouldn’t smile so much on the bench.  He wouldn’t call everyone “brah” or drive that faggy van around town.  Nope, he’s an island unto himself.

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