Fire Joe Morgan Already

Dearest internet friends, I can stand it no longer.  We have gone on too long, far too goddman long without the kind of post that the internet was created for.  There is such thing as respecting the past and honoring our forebears but there is also a thing called handling the duties of the internet and one of those duties is mocking Joe Morgan’s chats on ESPN.  This week’s being especially bad, I felt compelled to give it the old FJM treatment.  With apologies to Cousin Mose this needs to be done.  Joe Chat, fire away.

Joe Morgan: Kudos to Cliff Lee to coming close to pitching our first Sunday Night first no-hitter. Pujols got his 1,600th hit. Kudos to those guys.

And…we’re off with two of the silliest congratulations I’ve ever seen.  Congrats, Cliff Lee, on almost throwing a no-hitter on a nationally televised game.  Sure, you didn’t throw that no-hitter, in fact, you gave up 3 hits and walked 2 but congrats anyway on almost doing it.  I’m sure you wanted to.  And Albert, congrats are in order for your meaningless hit that isn’t divisible by 500 (which is itself arbitrary, sure).  You know what, while we’re at it, congrats to The Panda Eric Byrnes for not committing 3 errors in a game this week, to Marcus Thames for wishing he could hit for the cycle and Kevin Youkilis for having the ugliest beard in baseball.

chris (atlanta): joe, you think the dodgers are going to upgrade their starting pitching any time soon?

Joe: At the beginning of the season, I thought their starting pitching was going to be their downfall. But if you look at it over the course of the season, it hasn’t been. But I do think they’ll need to upgrade it if they’re going to win the championship. But I think a lot of teams need to do that.

Let’s parse this one out:

At the beginning of the season, I thought their starting pitching was going to be their downfall.

This is a reasonable thing to say.  A lot of people were concerned about the Dodgers starters.  Sure, Chad Billingsley was good last year but would he be able to duplicate his performance or was it a fluke year?  Clayton Kershaw is also young.  Hiroki Kuroda is the Dice-K of the West Coast in that he has a high WHIP without having a high ERA (also, they’re both Asian), and Randy Wolf is old and wasn’t expected to do much.  Before the season, it was perfectly reasonable to have questions about their pitching staff.  I agree.

But if you look at it over the course of the season, it hasn’t been.

Yes, it hasn’t been their downfall.  Why?  Because they haven’t had a downfall.  They’re the best team in the NL (yes, even though they play in the NL West). and their starters have the second best ERA in all of baseball.  Still, what a stupid way to phrase that right?  “It hasn’t been.”  This is insight?

But I do think they’ll need to upgrade it if they’re going to win the championship. But I think a lot of teams need to do that.

Why?  They’re the best hitting and pitching team in the NL.  Why would they “need” to upgrade?  And if they need to do it, who would they give up?  This seems so silly.  If they made a move, would you come out and say that it would disrupt team chemistry?  And to end your paragraph with “a lot of teams need to do that” is just…retarded?  Is retarded an apt description?

Joe: Hey, some teams are better than others.
Hef: Yeah…that’s the nature of competition I guess.
Joe: I think the teams that aren’t as good should try to get better if they want to be the best.
Hef: I concur.
Joe: When it rains out, I put on a coat and grab an umbrella.  That way, I don’t get wet when I go to the bank to cash my enormous ESPN checks.
Hef: Would you like fries with that?

So if you’re keeping count at home, the sequence went: obvious statement that only tangentially pertains to the question, obvious statement (that misses the point), unsupported suggestion, ending with a ridiculously obvious statement that doesn’t pertain to the question.

Michael B (Owensboro, KY): Good Morning Mr. Morgan! Simple question…. what is wrong with my Atlanta Braves??

Joe Morgan: Well, the Braves do not have a consistent offense, first of all. Any time Chipper has some inconsistent days, its’ even weaker. One of the biggest problems has been Jeff Francoeur, he has not been consistent the last couple of years. They need him if they’re going to make any sort of run. As the team is constructed now, I don’t think they could beat the Phillies or the Mets.

This is the kind of answer that makes this post easier.  There are three “consistents” (one of them in the negative form) and two name checks that don’t really add anything to the conversation.  First of all, how about this: the Braves are the very definition of average.  They have a middle of the road pitching (heavy at the top, weak at the bottom), and are almost the definition of average at the plate.  What’s wrong with them?  Nothing, they are who most prognosticators thought they were (currently sitting at a run differential of -16).

But let’s look at Joe’s response.  “Any time Chipper has some inconsistent days…”  What the fuck is an inconsistent day?  Joe Morgan was a hell of a baseball player, and without checking I will guarantee he had several 0fers each month.  Is that inconsistent?  Sometimes players don’t hit the ball on a given day.  Consistency isn’t the only reason.  Sometimes the matchup doesn’t favor him.  Sometimes he’s not feeling well.  Sometimes he swings at a bad pitch early and it stays fair and is an easy popup and he never has the chance to redeem himself.  These things happen.  It’s not inconsistency; it’s baseball.

Adam (Joplin, MO): What is the hardest thing to deal with throughout a MLB season?

Joe: I don’t know if there’s one, but two things that are very difficult are physical and mental fatigue. A lot of times you’ll play a night game and fly some place for a day game. There aren’t as many days off. For every day players, the grind of playing every day. Facing tough pitching. The grind works on you mentally. I used to get more mentally tired than physically tired. I would think it’s the same with the players today.

Adam: What’s the hardest part about the baseball season?
Joe: I don’t know if it’s one thing so I’m going to narrow it down to every single possible thing ever: the mental and the physical.  I’m not sure if that includes the ether that the world floats in or the space between our cells but I would say that everything in the entire universe that could serve as a reason is my answer.  But mostly it’s everything.

lee (cole): Joe, Lee from NADA 153, whats up with the yankees this year?

Joe: Well, the ballpark. To be honest the ballpark has helped them. They’ve gotten guys back offensively. The whole team is hitting more home runs in that ballpark. The park has made a difference in their team. When they’ve gone on the road and played Boston, they’ve not been able to beat them. That has to do with starting pitching. Boston has the pitching and the Yankees don’t. I think the Yankees, starting pitching is a problem for them.

Boston’s starting pitching numbers: ERA 4.76, WHIP 1.46, BAVG against .277

Yankees starting pitching numbers: ERA 4.72, WHIP 1.44, BAVG against .265

Sorry, Joe.  It looks like we can call that a wash with the slight edge going to NY.  I think you were looking for bullpen…bullpen.  The Sox have the best pen in all of baseball and the Yankees have one of the shittiest.  There’s a reason Boston has allowed 40 fewer runs than NY and it’s not the starting pitching.

ron wittwage, parma, oh [via mobile]: good morning joe its an honor, What happened to my Indians, how do you fix them and is eric wedge the right man for the job? thank you.

Joe: I broadcast the game on Sunday. The Indians are just hoping they can get all their players back healthy. I’m not so sure the Indians are as good as they were supposed to be. A lot of people picked them to win the AL Central this year. Sizemore is one of their key players and he didn’t get off to a good start. Peralta is not having a good year. I’m not so sure the team is as good as we thought. I’m not sure they have the talent we thought they had. But everybody in the AL Central is still waiting around and everyone is still in it. They still have a shot.

The question, for those paying attention, is (1) what is wrong with the Indians (2) how do you fix them and (3) is eric wedge the man for the job (of fixing them)?  Let’s see how Joe does.

I broadcast the game on Sunday [doesn't answer any of the three parts,, but it does establish that Joe is at least familiar with one game they have played this year]. The Indians are just hoping they can get all their players back healthy. [sort of answers #1 in that it implies that injuries are a possible reason.  I'll give him half credit for part 1]  I’m not so sure the Indians are as good as they were supposed to be. A lot of people picked them to win the AL Central this year. [He gets quarter credit for this in that it seems to answer #1 by discrediting it--perhaps nothing is wrong with the Indians.  Maybe they just suck and we didn't realize it.  Smooth, Joe.  I like your style] Sizemore is one of their key players and he didn’t get off to a good start. Peralta is not having a good year. I’m not so sure the team is as good as we thought. I’m not sure they have the talent we thought they had. [Still focusing on #1 without adding too much insight.  I'll call this another bit of quarter credit since he got a few names right.  I wonder if he would have known any names if he hadn't seen the game on Sunday.]  But everybody in the AL Central is still waiting around and everyone is still in it. They still have a shot. [Not answered: parts #2 and #3 of the questions.  Ouch.]

Jay (Chicago, IL) [via mobile]: Besides the lack of hitting, are there any other weak spots, on the cubs? Defensively? Pitching? Weak bench? A chance for playoff run?

Is there a reason other than falling from first in the NL to 10th in the NL in offensive output that the Cubs aren’t as good this year?  This one’s on the question asker.

Joe: Remember, last year, they led the NL in offense, slugging, OBP and all the important categories. That helped their pitchign staff. They were ahead a lot of times and had room to make mistakes. Now, when they’re not scoring runs, it puts pressure on the pitching staff and the bullpen. If they get better offense and score some runs, you’ll get better outings from their pitching staff. But the Cubs are not the same team they were last year. They were a close knit team. I don’t see that this year. They got rid of DeRosa, who I thought was a good player. I said at the beginning of the year that they’d miss him. They’re just not the same team.

First off, props to Joe on naming a few categories that don’t include BA and RBI.  Secondly, good for him for actually knowing that the Cubs lead those categories [Ed note--I just checked and those are the only offensive categories they lead in so Morgan might have been forced to use those].  But then he blows it by playing the team comraderey card.  Let’s talk about causation versus correlation.  Anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, this team got along so well last year because they were winning all the time?  From what I hear it, winning is like being drunk and when you’re drunk you like everyone around you that isn’t a total asshole.  And with the exception of Carlos Zambrano there don’t seem to be too many total assholes on the team.

dan (hopatcong, NJ): Who do you think the Mets will acquire before the deadline?

Joe: The Mets are in the same position as a lot of other teams. THey’re without Delgado. Beltran, Reyes have been injured at times. They’re in the same position and need to get their guys healthy. But I definitely think they need to get another bat. I’m a big John Maine fan, but he’s injured right now. People coming back from injuries will be key for those teams that have guys on the DL.

Joe: The Mets, like a lot of other teams need to acquire someone before the deadline.  Like a lot of other teams the Mets are in that position.  They have injuries [names guys] but they need another bat [which I won't mention].  I’m a big John Maine fan even though he doesn’t carry a bat which I think they need even though he was too weak to avoid getting injured.  People will stop having injuries most of the time unless they don’t at which point I still won’t answer your fucking question about who the Mets should acquire before the trade deadline.  Injuries.

Jkahn (Maryland): How do you like having Steve Phillips in the booth with you this year?

Joe: It’s an adjustment for me and for Jon, because the two of us have worked together for 19 years and have worked well. We knew how to give each other the right amount of space. Now we have to learn to give Steve the space he needs. It’s a work in progress. It’s different.

This answer isn’t bad, I just thought it was really funny.  I wish I could have seen video of Joe as he was typing.  Was he making a wanking motion at the mention of Phillips’s name?  Did he put a pretend gun in his mouth?  Listen, if Joe thinks you suck, there are no words.

Memo to Joe from ESPN execs: Dear Joe, please answer that question like this next time.  “We love having the new edition to the booth.  Steve’s a veteran baseball man and his input will prove invaluable every week.  I can’t wait to learn more about him.  He completes me.”  Otherwise people will you think he’s retarded…

Joe: I think it should be easier for all of you to evaluate your teams if you take these things in mind: 1) Starting pitching, you have to have starting pitching to win; 2) Offense, you have to have offense and score runs; 3) Bullpen. You need both middle and short relief; 4) Defense. Now, do you need all four? Of course not, but the better you have them, the better the team will be. If you think about it, Boston probably comes closest to having those things on their team, which in my opinion makes Boston the best team right now. Things do change.

What a way to end the chat.  “Hey kids, want to know how to see if your team is good?  Just look at these four incredibly not obvious factors!  Do they have good starting pitching?  You know, the guys who handle the vast majority of your team’s innings?  Are those guys “good” at pitching?  Or are they “bad?”  Secondly, look at your team’s offense.  Do they score “runs?”  “Runs” are important to winning a baseball game because you need them to win!  See how easy this is?

Thus ends another Joe Chat.  I’m not sure how regular this feature will become but this one was all sorts of stupid.