"I'm as surprised as you are that I won this award."
We here at MLJ know you’re sometimes too busy following your own team and division to keep track of what’s going on around the league so we provide you with biweekly updates on what’s happening in the divisions you couldn’t care less about.
A quick programming note for those of you who haven’t noticed. We’re switching the division updates to biweekly simply because you just don’t need to be updated that often on the goings on of a division. Really, we’re tired of telling you the same stories over and over again so we’ll see if adding more time adds any more drama to these posts. For example, I just learned the Marlins are now only a game below .500. When the hell did that happen, right? HAHAHAHA, RIGHT?!?!?
The NL West has become sort of interesting of late. Between the Rockies making a run and the Giants tearing it up in Interleague play, this division is getting sort of better.
The Hef Award (Best Hitter of the Week): Mark Reynolds. I am stunned that this award would ever be placed into the hands. But this week he’s gone 10/23 with 3 HRs, a line of .480/1.043/1.523. Who cares if his strikeouts are up over the past few weeks. He’s getting on base more and hitting the ball hard when he does make contact. Congrats dummy. You’re a miniature Adam Dunn in the making.
The Clown Award (Worst Hitter of the Week): James Loney. This guy is so streaky it must drive Dodgers fans nuts. This week he had an amazing OBP of .238 without doing anything else with the bat either (SLG of .200). He went 4/20 while drawing only 1 walk and not hitting any extra base hits. Nice work, dummy.
The Hef Award (Best Pitcher of the Week): Matt Cain. Two starts for 15.1 IP, 15Ks, 2.93 ERA and a WHIP below 1.00. Nice work, dummy. You’re finally making up for the past few years when you got zero credit because you got zero run support. May your child be a masculine child.
The Clown Award (Worst Pitcher of the Week): Jon Garland. Two starts for 13.2 IP with only3 Ks, as compared to 6 BB. He gave up 9 ERs in those 13.1 IP. Nine. To the Padres and Astros. Care to guess where those two teams rank in terms of run scored this year in the NL? How about last and fourth from last. Nice work, dummy.
The NickP Award (for small sample size awesomeness): Travis Ishikawa. Why aren’t the Giants playing him everyday? He had an OBP of 1.00 this week!
The Stigs Award (For Guys Who Need to Hurry the Fuck Up Already): Brandon Webb. Seriously, bro. You ready to pitch yet or are you gonna act like a little bitch all season?
And finally…
The Hef Award (For Team of the Week): Your Colorado Rockies. This hurts me to say because I hate this fucking team. And how big a bitch is Troy Tulowitzki. He had a hell of a week now? Now that Clint Hurdle’s gone? Anyone else think he didn’t try for Hurdle because Clint was so tough on him (reportedly)? At any rate, Happy covered it so great yesterday and I don’t want to talk about this team anymore so I’ll just refer you to his recap.
shit, i go 420 every day after work and all he has to show for it is one measly walk?
Why do you hate the Rockies? Is it because Andres Galarraga touched you?
I don’t like anyone from the NL West. I watch the Snakes because they’re on everyday and I got excited about them last year (after their hot start and 2007 season) but other than that fuck the NL West.
If you couldn’t tell, I especially hate the Dodgers.
All that and because Andres Galarraga touched him.
i don’t think it was galarraga’s touch, more like galarraga’s savage ass pounding that did it.
that and the name “dante bichette.” that name is as smarmy as every character jean claude van damme played after bloodsport.
Honorable mention for the Hef Award this week is Pablo Sandoval.
His nickname, as many of you know is Kung Fu Panda. Apparently, adding “Kung Fu” to the front of an already existing nickname makes it kind of cool. You hear that Eric Byrnes you Panda fuck?
Just think how successful Hot Chicks with Kung Fu Douchebags could be as a website.
kung fu butt hega meison?
lulz
Thinking about going to the Royals-DBacks game tomorrow. It’s 1969 retro night. Lower level seats are $6 and hotdogs and peanuts are $1
Plus Kaufman is supposed to be awesome, yeah?
/does math
hey, the d-backs weren’t around in 1969!!!
All the winners of the week are white. This post needs more pics of black guys. Hef, on your next adventure take more pics of the natives.
/
Reebok via Artie Lang
The new K is pretty tits. But they added this restaurant/bar that adds a level of douche.
I regularly cite Justin Upton as the best right handed hitter in the NL West now that Manny’s gone. Those two are the darkest white dudes evAr.
Is that where the moms fight?
Kung Fu Restaurant Bar?
we dropped our kids off at soccer practice. we must now kung fu fight!
No, but it is step 1 of conception.
that’s funny shit triston.
Don’t listen to him Triston, I didn’t laugh once.
LOL
http://deadspin.com/5292816/ohio-state-fan-dots-the-i-in-iranian-revolution