adriangonzalezIn order to keep you up to date on the goings on of all the divisions around the league, we will be providing a weekly update on each division.

I have grown to resent these division updates in a way you may never understand.  You see, I hate the Dodgers so I hate writing about how they keep winning every week.  I hate looking for nice things to say about them.  I hate having to look at their record.  I hate having to wait for Juan Pierre to stop playing like a decent baseball player (more on that later).  But mostly, I hate the Dodgers.

The Hef Award (hitter of the week): Adrian Gonzalez.  I guess at some point I should recognize the beast that lives in San Diego.  He leads all of baseball with 22 HRs even though he spends most of his time at PETCO.  Right now he’s hit a home run in 6 of his last 9 games including 4 in a row in one stretch.  He’s really quite good at hitting baseballs.

The NickP Award (given to the player that is playing way over his head and will eventually come crashing back down to Earth) Juan Pierre: Right now, Pierre is getting on base at about 100 points higher than his average (.439) and he’s slugging the ball at about 125 points higher (.493).  My question: When does he go through his Bonifacication [Ed. Note: Bonifacication v.  to return to your previous level of suckitude]?  Tomorrow?  Next week?  Has it already started but his metabolism is slowing down the effects?  Is he a monster?

The Stigs Award (given to the player who is on the cusp of delivering something but it happens to take forever*) Randy Johnson:  RJ is not looking good this year, even by last year’s standards.  His ERA hovers around 6, his WHIP around 1.5.  He rarely gets out of the sixth inning and he doesn’t get much run support.  I’m amazed he’s got 4 wins so far this year.  But all he needs is one more so that he can retire and listen to the subsequent HoF conversations.  I hope they all include the phrase “red ass.”  Oh, and his former teammates apparently couldn’t care less about his 300th victory–mostly because he was mean to them.

The RomanWarHelmet Award (given to the player that shows up once, maybe twice a week, but totally dominates): Dan Haren.  Dan Haren is the greatest pitcher in the division and probably the world.  I love watching him pitch because you see the other team walk away shaking their heads after almost every at bat.  He’s clever, mixes his pitches well, but he’s also got some filthy stuff.  This week he pitched 7 innings of 2-hit ball against the team with the best record in baseball (only to have his bullpen shit all over him) and I wasn’t the least bit surrpised.  Your move, Johan.

Looking ahead (let’s be honest, no one’s “looking forward” to any of these games):

Dbacks/Padres: The Snakes travel to San Diego tonight** for a series that will (justifiably) receive no air time on Baseball Tonight this weekend.  This is how bad things are right now, the Padres are juggling the rotation so that Jake Peavy has a favorable matchup.  I guess that means they’re not pitching him against Dan Haren who’s the best pitcher in the world NL.

The Rockies hang out in the MidWest look for rust belt trannies in St. Louis.

The World Champion Baseball Phillies travel to Los Angeles to play the dodgers.

Oh, and the Giants play the Natinals which means that Randy Johnson has a shot at 300.

*I hope this isn’t too much of an inside joke.  What I mean is, he’s unreliable…like a woman.
**Just like me!  Though I doubt they’re going there for a wedding.

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