AL Central Division Update

Well…it’s been awhile since one of these has found it’s way to our part of the blogosphere, and in that time, a lot has changed.  Actually, not much has changed, but it just sounds so much more dramatic when you say it like I did in the first sentence.  So…shall we commence?

The Hef Award for most dicks in the butt: The Cleveland Indians.

Fuck them.

Fuck their bullpen.  Fuck injuries.  Fuck Jhonny Peralta.  Fuck em all.

The Hottest Chick in [insert Midwestern city] Award: This goes to the Detroit Tigers who, despite not playing scintillating baseball (5 game win streak aside), are still enjoying a comfy lead in the division with nobody else really looking like they’re going to step up.  Sure, they’re the hottest chick in this division, but when the rest of the division is made up of a gay dude (Twins), a drug addicted crazy bitch (White Sox), a haggard old woman who’s been beaten so many times her face has two drainage ditches from tears (Royals), and that chick who could be hot if only she didn’t have horrible acne scars (Indians), it’s not hard to look good.

Starting pitching is making this team tick, especially Verlander and Rick Porcello, a guy someone here predicted would have a nice season and was subsequently laughed at.  Well who’s laughing now?  Huh bitch?  What?  Fuck you…and I’m not laughing anyways because the Tribe sucks.

The “Kids, Don’t Even Bother Trying Because No Matter What, You’ll Still Suck Because You’re Not Talented to Begin With” Award: The Minnesota Twins.

The effort is there.  They’re fundamentally sound.  They’re above average at the plate and on the bump.  They have no shot at anything regarding the postseason.

I’ve been saying this all year long, but for some reason I feel the need to repeat myself.  The Twins roster sucks nut.  Now tell me if you’ve heard this one before…there are two non-pitchers on this team that are good and the rest blow dudes.

But wait…this could be a seminal moment in Blogfrica.  I’m actually going to give a non-Morneau, non-Mauer Twin credit.  Nick Blackburn has been tits this year.  That is all I have to say about this bunch o’ homos.

The Hot Chick in a Wheelchair Award: The Chicago White Sox.

Great pitching.  Decent defense.  What’s not to like?

This team reminds me of that Saved by the Bell episode where Zach meets a chick at The Max and when they’re done eating, he stands up and she’s in a wheelchair.  Damn, when you thought she had working legs you thought she was awesome…great personality, good looking…and then you see the wheelchair and all of the sudden, it’s strange.

Well, the White Sox offense is that wheelchair.  And Ozzie Guillen is the drunk driver who caused the accident to begin with.  Or he’s the polio that left her legs worthless.  Whatever…Ozzie is a bitch, you get the idea.

Anyways…this team would be halfway decent if they could find some offense.  Then again, when their lineup features such human scum as Jermaine Dye, Paul Konerko, AJ Pier-fag-ski and JI.  JIM THOME (/dugout’d), then of course they’re going to struggle.  Wait, those are 4 of their 6 highest paid players!

Great job Kenny!!!

The “We’re the Kansas City Royals” Award: The Kansas City Royals.

Yep.

Winning the division, huh Hef?  That’s almost as stupid as me thinking the Indians were going 162-0.  ALMOST.

Seriously though, I know I didn’t give you one lick of good information, but you’re going to have to deal with it.  Aside from the one week anomalies, every team in this division is the definition of mediocre.  It’s hard to write about the color tope or USA Today because it’s just so milquetoast that it inspires no emotion one way or the other.  I could literally repost the same thing every week and it’d still be relevant, but I’m not going to do that…I’m above that.

But it’s still a problem, and until ONE of these teams actually plays like a real, bonafide baseball team, this section is going to be nothing more than cheap shots at the gheyness of the White Sox and Twins.

Fuck the AL Central.