dyepeen

The Jaco Pastorius Award for best low end: Named after the greatest bassist of all time, this award is going to be given out to the best last place team in all of MLB…YOUR Cleveland Indians.  Of course this is self-serving and just an excuse to pimp up the team I wish could pimp itself, but I stand firm.  The Tribe have been slowly getting their shit together and are actually looking like a team that’s not destined for poopery, instead looking like the most glorious sub-.500 team of ALL TIME.

/loads gun

The John Coltrane Award for the most kickass, freight train team of the divison: Well what do we have here?  The Detroit Tigers?  Well howabout that?  Putting aside the Dodgers, who get the benefit of playing in a division with four minor league teams (this isn’t even arguable…as bad as the AL Central is, the other four teams actually have players who belong in the majors), the Tigers are the owners of the best run differential in baseball, and have been rolling of late, ignoring the fact their bullpen is the living embodiment of premature ejactulation by riding great starting pitching and a potent offense.

For some reason, this isn’t as painful as say, if the Meth Sox were in first, because the Tigers are fun to watch and have my man Curtis Granderson setting the table and my other man Justin Verlander pitching like it’s 2007.  This isn’t a fluke…and provided any late season run by the Twins, the Tigers are looking like the class of the division and have the inside track to the division crown.

…and yet, it’s 12:48 and Michigan still sucks.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The Red Garland Award: A little background…Red Garland was Miles Davis’ pianist in Davis’ first great Quintet in the 1950’s.  He was a part of some of the greatest, most spontaneous jazz recordings of all time, albums that characterized the genre, yet, he was a god damned shitty pianist.  Sure, he could accompany adequately and never stuck out for his shittiness, but that doesn’t mean he was good, it means Miles could depend on him (if memory serves me correctly, he was the only member of the first Quintet without a massive drug or alcohol problem), but the MINUTE pianist Bill Evans came into the picture (didn’t even matter that Evans’ whiteness made him stick out like a fart in a flower shop while black jazz musicians felt Davis should’ve given that chair to a person of color) Garland was out.  Coincidence?  No.

So where am I going with this?  The Minnesota Twins, while not terrible, ARE terrible.  They’re frauds.  They’re a team full of Red Garland’s with Morneau and Mauer playing the parts of Miles Davis and John Coltrane.  Yet, here we are, almost two full months into the season and the Twins are in second place in the division.  But, much like Garland, they’ll be replaced sooner rather than later.

The Axl Rose Award for biggest asshole: Please, this HAS to go to the Meth Sox.

For as awesome as their 17-3 win over the Angels was (think Appetite for Destruction) they still had the ignomy of a 20-1 beatdown at the hands of the punchless Twins, a few decent, but meaningless victories over the Pirates (think Spaghetti Incident) and actual decent baseball against the Angels (think Use Your Illusion I & II).

The Meth Sox are a hard team to evaluate because they’re not overly shitty, but not nearly good enough to be considered actually dangerous.  Mark Buehrle is serviceable, but still dirty, gay and filthily homosexual, and when your biggest offensive threats are the ass spelunking Jermaine Dye and the MLB’s version of Ben Roethlisberger in Jim Thome, well, your team sucks, as evidenced by their team offensive statistics ALL being in the bottom quartile of the AL except for stolen bases, where they’re a mediocre 9th.

Combine their offensive impotency with a pitching staff that manages to be squarely in the middle of the AL in team performance and you have a team that I’ll enjoy watching lose on a fairly regular basis.  Well, I’d probably enjoy it more if they didn’t play in the worst ballpark in the majors (non-Trop, HHH Dome division) and have the worst announcing crew known to man calling their games.  Oh, and did I mention their fag-olicious uniforms too?  Fucking Meth Sox…

The New Found Glory Award for the team nobody gives a shit about because of their shittiness: The Kansas Shitty Royals.

My mother once told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say, throw in a bunch of “fucks” and “shits” and yell it because that’s how Sicilians behave.  So lets give some credit to the shittiest bunch of shits to ever shit and laud their FANTASTIC fucking performance over the last week.

Lose 2/3 to the Tribe?  Check.

Lose 2/3 to the Cards?  Check.

Lose 2/3 to the Tigers?  Check.

Still have Zach Greinke?  Check.

I guess every shit has that one shining piece of corn in it.

What’s up next:

  • Detroit: In Baltimore before the Sawx come to hell on earth
  • Minny: Who wants to go on a week-long tour of the worst stadiums the sport has to offer?  Twinks are in Tampa for three then head home to face the Indians.
  • KC: Greinke pitches Sunday against the Meth Sox…really, what other reason would you have to watch the Royals?
  • Meth: They have games scheduled, but they’ll probably be six bowls deep in that sweet, sweet concoction of meth and purple drank and have to forfeit all their games.  When asked for a comment, Ozzie said, “you’re all a bunch of slack jawed faggots.”
  • Team named in respectful honor of the native peoples of our great land: After finishing off their series with the Rays, the Tribe plays host to the Yankees before going to Minnesota to use the giant baggie they call a right field wall to pick up their dog’s shit.
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