"TATIS!!!!!!!"
What a difference a week makes! What was down is up and what was up is down and what was bad is now mediocre! The NL East is back in the good graces of it’s most important fan base and is still a sloppy shitshow for the rest of the nation. Let us jump right into the most important issues of the week.
Where’s Emilio?: As of this moment, hanging on to his Major League career by a thread. At this point last week, Emilio was decidedly mediocre moving his average for the season up to .268. Well, this week is a whole new ball game! After a whopping 3-17 effort with a hitting line of .172/.222/.235 he has those season stats down to .244/.299/.321! His OPS+ is 62! The Marlins just brought up top prospect Chris Coghlan. He is a second baseman. Since Cameron Maybin was sucking worse than Emilio, he was sent down and Coghlan will play left. For now. Emilio, see that wall over there? Yeah, look at the writing on it. What does it say? AAA by June 1.
The Johan Santana Award: Johan Santana. 1-1. 13.1 innings. 0.00 ERA. 0.975 WHIP. 16Ks. He had a loss and didn’t let up a run. For the second time this season. The Mets hate him. Some interesting stats. His ERA so far this season is 0.78. His ERA+ 559. He has the least amount of run support in baseball.
The Oliver Perez Award: Joe Blanton. 0-1. 8 innings. 8 hits. 6 Runs bringing his Season ERA to 6.82. Well done Joe! Ollie salutes you.
The Carlos Beltran Award (Best Hitter): I toyed with naming this award after Chase Utley, who is in a second base platoon with Eric Bruntlett, but after realizing that Carlos Beltran is the tits, well it’s now the Beltran. I want it to be noted the Mets went 6-1 this week. I also want it to be noted this week’s runner up had this stat line .364/.417/.636 1 HR 5RBI 1.053 OPS and a BABIP of .467. That is David Wright. The Mets are winning. Coincidence?
The Winner though deserves a bit of a Roman apology. First his stat line. .481/.483/.852 1.335 OPS 3 HR 7RBI. .500 BABIP. He has a 29 game hitting streak. Ryan Zimmerman, I apologize. When you signed your 5 year extension for $45 million I called it a waste and that the Nats would regret it. I was wrong. You may regret it. Now, you are not going to put up these numbers forever but if your leveling off is along the lines of .315/.390/.550 with your superior defense, it will be worth the money to the Nats and you may have screwed yourself out of some Free agent money in 2 years. Either way, you are a good ball player. Your team sucks though.
The Emilio Bonifacio: Chase Utley. .158/.200/.526 2HR for 2RBI (selfish fuck) and a .091 BAPIP. This is why you are in a platoon Chase! Just for notation purposes, the Phillies were 2-4 this week. Coincidence?
The Team of the Week: Your NEW YORK METS! 6-1 this week. Two game sweep of the Phillies at Citi Field and a weekend sweep of the Pirates at home as well. Since my week is Tuesday to Tuesday they are 1-1 against the Braves. Speaking of the Braves, they are 5-2 this week. Beating the Fish and the Phillies. But they weren’t as beastly awesome as the Mets, who would have been 7-0 if the Mets offense didn’t fall asleep last night and the defense behind Johan was adequate. Fuck.
The Loser of all Losers: Tie. Phillies and Marlins at 2-4. The Phillies can’t get good starting pitching. The Marlins couldn’t either. Both had fraudy bullpens and had troubles hitting and fielding. It was a true poo poo platter of suck for the shit of the East.
A Look ahead:
Mets (6-1) They finish off with two more at Citi Field against the Braves and head to San Francisco for a 4 game set. I will be up very late at night and be very cranky for the next week.
Braves (5-2) After losing 2 straight to the Mets they head to Hefizona for a 3 game weekend set against the D-Bags.
Nats (3-3 and a suspended game) They finish up in Frisco and head home for 4 games in 3 days. Saturday is a day night double header. FOX restrictions require the Nationals to charge their 8 fans double admission for that bad boy.
Phillies (2-4) They have the Dodgers in for 3 as Manny Ramirez Juan Pierre will bring his star to the Crank. They go to Washington to lose three of four.
Marlins (2-4) They are in Milwaukee for 3 starting tonight as Stigs is very confused about who to root for. Old home vs New home. Benji likes the Brewers. They have the Dodgers in the Shark Tank (I fucking hate Jimmy Buffet, the beer is OK though) for a weekend set. Manny may stop by to apologize to his team since his house is close to the ballpark.
For the People: Saturday at 4:10 U.S Standard time, Johan Santana vs. Randy Johnson. The best lefthanded pitcher of the previous generation vs the best lefthanded pitcher of this generation. Randy is going for win 299. Johan is at his absolute pinnacle. Enjoy.
Roman, why do you hate Emilio?
I’ll answer this.
[clears throat]
Roman hates any flukey player that gets hot early and receives praise despite his obvious inability to hit the ball. Plus he reminds him of Castillo who sucks balls.
/right?
Thanks for the clarification Hef, I thought it was either racism or homophobia.
Why don’t you?
/spits
Yes..with one caveat…if the hot hitting is against the Mets I will make it my life’s mission to destroy him until I get bored of it and move on to something else
Roman only pretends to be homophobic when his straight friends are around.
I am starting to hate him Roman, I picked him up due to his fast start and now he is rotting on my bench, probably should cut him.
Probably?
Yeah, just too lazy. It takes time sorting positions on Yahoo!
Chase was hurt on that pitch by Pelfrey, Roman.
And our pitchers suck donkey balls.
Take of your Green Chase Utley Jersey T and see the reality Rev. Chase was hurt by the fact that is is now a situational Lefty. I think Charlie Manuel is astute in his managing abilities and is doing the right thing for his ball club. Eric Bruntlett is clearly superior.
Your pitchers do suck Donkey Balls
A salesguy I know was in town last week. He played baseball with Zimmerman at VA and is best friendies with him. He said that Dunn set Zimm up on a date with…Carrie Underwood.
/Adam Dunn: More than a great baseball player — also a great human
For the record, I’ve never bought a T shirt jersey in my life, and I despise teams wearing green, unless their colors are green. And I’m half Irish!