Good afternoon, friends of excellence. I know you all look forward to Clown’s writing every week [stifles giggle] especially his AL East update [snorts derisively] but today you will be getting a healthy dose of Hef after he begged me to cover for him because he’s suffering from “writer’s block.” You know what, if my favorite team (allegedly) was the Yankees I would probably suffer from all sorts of neurological afflictions too. Enjoy reading about greatness from the greatest guy you know.
What is there to say about the AL East that can’t be summed up in the phrase “best division in baseball”? Nothing.
Is the update over with yet? Or should I delve into the finer points? Fine.
What’s the deal with the Rays? Evan Longoria has been fantastic. Carlos Pena* has been hitting the cover off the ball. Carl Crawford has 20 SBs. That sounds great. Oh wait, there’s more than three hitters on a ballclub. I got ya now. BJ Upton has been awful you say? Pat Burrell has been the baseball equivalent of a ninety pound weakling? Navarro has stunk to high heaven? The team has committed 19 errors already (tied for third)? What a bunch of young fluke frauds who will never amount to anything! They’re currently 6.5 games behind the B’Jays.
How soon til the Red Sox are in first again? I know that’s what you’re all asking yourselves because, let’s face it, having the B’Jays in first is an insult to everyone in baseball. They should be only a game back but they somehow lost to the Indians and Carl Pavano last night. It hurts not having Youk in the lineup (AL MVP for April) but c’mon, the Indians? They suck. To be honest, it looks like the Jays have a lock on the division for the foreseeable future thanks to a really easy schedule for the first few months of the season. The Jays are playing the Angels, A’s, Yankees (they suck!) and White Sox before finally coming to Boston near the end of May. The Sox in the meantime have to play the Rays again, a team they just can’t beat despite their proven suckitude. Every team has a lesser opponent that gets the better of them, for Boston it’s Tampa.
Shall we revel in the Yankees lousiness? Yes, let’s. They’re below .500 (again), they can’t pitch for shit. Joe Girardi is awful at managing a bullpen and makes lousy decisions about who to start. The stadium is never filled and always looks empty when watching on TV because no one sits in the expensive seats behind home plate. They’re the second favorite team in NY even with the Mets sucking ass (requisite Mets burn!). If I were a Yankees fan living in Austin, TX, I would kill myself and leave my family with a lot of debt.
The best 5th place team in baseball? The Orioles. As usual. Other candidates: The Washington Nationals, The Cleveland AIDS Indians, The Pirates and the Rockies. It’s not even close. Congrats, Baltimore.
*Spanish for Charlie’s Penis
NL Central > AL YEast Infection
You forgot to address who will be the next roider outed from the Red Sox championship teams.
/I’ll hang up and listen
I’ve seen Carlos Pena up close once and I can assure you, Carlos Pena is huge. I wouldn’t want to get into a fight with Carlos Pena because Carlos Pena would slap me in the face repeatedly. I want to suck Carlos Pena.
/2 for 3.
Don’t short yourself, Happy, you went a perfect 3 for 3.
It’s an honor I wear with pride.