In honor of Dwight Howard holding down the Cavs and giving them the ol’ prison poop-chute peek-a-boo, here’s a picture of some tig ol’ bitties in a Superman doo-dah.

What’s on tonight at 8pm Terrelle Pryor Time:

• Dodgers at Cubs (ESPN)
• NFL Replay: Colts vs. Chargers (NFL Network)
• Deadliest Warrior (Spike TV)
• Bridezillas (WE)
• Under the Tuscan Sun (Soap)
• Ice Road Truckers (Discovery)
• Extreme Fast Food (Travel)
• The Fugitive (Ion)
• Law and Order: SVU (SLTH?…what the fuck is SLTH?)
• P90X infomercial (Buy)
• Q&A (CSPAN 1)
• To Catch a Predator (MSNBC)
• Joel Osteen (TBN)
• Futbol Espanol (GOL)
• To Be Announced (DTV)
• Massachusetts to Impose Satellite Tax (TAX)
• Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (MMAX)
• Grindhouse (Encore W)
• To Be Announced (PTNW)
• Asian Erotic 9 (CLPS)
• DIRECTV Sports Schedule (DTV)
• Premier League Goals of the Season (FSC)
• 90’s on 9 (XM)
• Praise – Gospel (XM)

YOU CAN PUT A STAMP ON THIS ONE!!!

Don’t fucking push me man…I’m in no mood for this kind of fucking bullshit, do you hear me?

Do you not see me with a gun to my fucking head?  And here you are, you pretentious fuck, asking ME about some baseball scores from last fucking night?  Look at the balls on this guy.

Fucking baseball.  Who gives a fucking steaming pile of pony loaf?  Who gives a shit about sports right now?  Don’t you assholes have fucking shit to care about other than some form of bullshit “entertainment?”  Look at you, you needy little bitches.  Wahhhhhhhh…we don’t get our precious recaps of gay ass shit.  Fucking get a puppy you assholes.

I’m ready to end my fucking life and here you are, bitching about not getting some douchebag’s thoughts on some bullshit event.  Oh I’m sorry Baron von Cockinass, do you want me to cut your steak while I’m up?  And while I’m at it, why don’t I take your dry cleaning out and get your oil changed?  Is there anything else I can do for you your fucking highnesses?

You know what?  You don’t deserve shit, but I’m gonna give you something anyways.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight marks the second consecutive biggest game of the season for the Cavs when they take on Orlando tonight in Amway Arena in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. If they can win tonight, the series heads back to Cleveland for Game 7. I have a ticket to that game, and I am looking at it right now as I type this. What needs to happen for me to actually use that ticket on Monday?

1. At least one of the Cavs’ supporting cast will need to have a big game. The only guy who’s played in the general vicinity of good on the road so far has been Delonte West, and his effectiveness might be limited tonight due to a hip pointer. Mo Williams or Z really need to knock down a few open shots tonight.

2. Lebron needs to play better. Coming off a 37-14-12 performance in a game in which I thought Lebron didn’t play especially well (specifically on the defensive end), Lebron can do more. There were too many careless passes and contested Kobe-like terrible jumpers. If Lebron sticks to driving the ball and finding guys for wide open 3s and dunks, the Cavs can keep Orlando on its heels.

3. The Cavs need to stay small. On Thursday, the Cavs finally abandoned the “two big men” approach for long stretches of the game, going with Z or Varejao or Ben along with Lebron and three little guys. That seems to be the best defensive alignment against a team like Orlando. It allowed them to stay more attached to shooters and keep hands in faces, a necessity against a team with as many skilled perimeter players as the Magic.

That’s the game plan. Tip-off is at 8:30 PM. Go Cavs.

Read the rest of this entry »

You Talkin' To Me?

There were a few rain delays, so not many games are final as I begin this. Let’s get straight to it anyway.

Texas over Oakland x 2: Texas swept a doubleheader with the A’s last night and widened their lead out to 4.5 games over the Angels. Homers were hit by Andruw Jones, Marlon Byrd, and Nelson Cruz.

Baltimore 7, Tigers 2: Uber-prospect Matt Wieters’ career got off to a rather inauspicious beginning. The kid went 0-4, leaving 3 on base (choke!). Listen closely, Matt. I plan on starting you in my Business School Keeper League next week, so get it together, eh? Minchia!

New York 3, Florida 2: Some fellow named Omir Santos hit a walk-off hit of some kind in the 11th inning. I’ve never heard of the dude, but 1) based on the team he plays for, and B) his name, I’m guessing he’s homosexual. Perhaps Roman can fill us in later.

Tampa Bay 5, Minny 3: Evan Longoria exploded all over Scott Baker, and James Shields kept the Twins bats at bay to lock up a nice home win on their way back to .500.

Milwaukee 3, Cincy 2:

That’s it for now. Enjoy your Saturday, y’all.

Almost forgot, a quick video after the jump. I found it mildly funny. Read the rest of this entry »

Good evening, friends of excellence. I have spent most of the day looking for directions and you all have spent the day enjoying the greatest waste of resources in recent memory. Way to step up the A game on Friday fellas! Only pedophiles and losers read the site on Friday during the Summer Season. It is after Memorial Day so we can be wearing white until Labor Day. But writing good stuff on Fridays is out until then. Anywho, I am looking forward to my weekend. Tonight, I go home, drink beer and watch the Mets and some NBA. Tomorrow, I am bringing Little RamonaWarHelmet to her first baseball game with my wife and my sister-in-law. I can’t wait. Sunday will involve a BBQ at Mom and Dad’s place. Quite a busy, yet relaxing weekend. I hope you can all enjoy something quite as nice. May it be at a beach, at a club, on a golf course, masturbating at home alone in an empty house or something like that, I wish you the best. Here is what is cooking tonight at the Jerk: Read the rest of this entry »

The Cleveland official visitors website got all pissed at the hastily made tourism videos, so they had a contest for residents of Cleveland to create a real tourism video. I guess the point of them would be to show that there’s more to Cleveland than two buildings, questionable art, and guys using payphones. So after a whopping 36 entries, they announced 2 winners. I watched the first one. It makes me not want to go to Cleveland even more. At about the 1:00 mark, this woman has her kids dancing in front of a clinic. A clinic? Really?

Fun times in Cleveland to-DAY!!!

Our buddy Clown was able to capture my feelings in the following screen grab.

Solid jorp, Clevelnad turism bored.

Quick week recap: the Rangers are still in first. They have a nice three game lead over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and an even bigger lead over the two droogs of the division: A’s and Mariners. Okay, hope the appetizer was fulfilling. Now for the main course.

Swing and a miss

In keeping with MLJ’s tradition of broad generalizations with tenuous-at-best comparisons, we present to you the AL West in sitcom form: Read the rest of this entry »

What a long strange trip it has been for the NL East. They are still recovering from the toxic waste that was the collective effort of the month of April. May has been much better including a weekend where the top three teams went and demolished the top three teams of the self-proclaimed best division in baseball. It truly was a trouncing. I was a witness in Boston as the Mets took care of the HGH Sox. Sparty wept in his non-alcoholic beverage as the Late Gonzo’s Phillies showed the Yankees how to win in a bandbox. The Braves took the Blue Jays and bent them over a barrel and gave them a good, backwoods of Georgia butt raping. Deliverance style. Granted the Marlins and Natinals did nothing well, but those two teams are a special type of hideous. They are the Swine Flu of baseball. Anywho, let’s look at this week’s winners and losers.

Emilio, where are you?: Yes, he is still wearing a big league uniform. But it is a Marlin uniform, so that is pretty close to AAA if you ask me. You didn’t? Well, I am from New York and I am telling you. Fuck him. His well researched numbers, in the last 7 days: 3-24 6K .125/.160/.125 for a whopping .285 OPS. I didn’t think it was possible. Really, it is an accomplishment. To show you I am not a total douche, I went and thoroughly looked at his last 14 days, 11-54 13K .204/.237/.241 and .478 OPS. So he wasn’t epically bad, he was just terribly bad. Those numbers bring his total for the season to .246/.286/.296 with a .583 OPS and a 54 OPS+! June first is only a few days away, maybe my prediction will still hold. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

If you only click one link today, please click this one.  It’s a way to con some girl in to having sex with you (even if she has a boyfriend) by pretending you just traveled back in time.  It’s fucking crazy in the amount of detail it put into the con.  (Batteries Feel Included)

16 Famous People Who Seem Like They’ve Been Drinking (Esquire)

The top 10 college prospects for the 2009 MLB Draft.  (Coed Magazine)

Gruesome video of a soccer player breaking his leg in half during a game.  On accident.  (TPS)

Juan Pierre: loving life without Manny.  (Josh Q. Public)

I don’t know why I find this interesting but these are the backgrounds of 23 famous internet memes.  Can you name them by looking at the background?  (Meme Scenery)

Sites pushing for Manny and Pierre in All-Star Games completely missing the point.  (Walkoff Walk)

The video of the day: for anyone who has worked in sales, this video hits close to home.

After the jump, a survey from Gawker determines that 70% of all gay men in Houston are bottoms.  Your move, Detroit. Read the rest of this entry »

Seriously, these updates are hard. I don’t even know why I put thought into them. (Or do I?) You probably aren’t even gonna read this. Anyway, onto the update.

The Baltimore Orioles: Took 2 of 3 from the Nationals over the weekend, then swept 3 from the Blue Fades and put the pwnhammer on the Tigers last night. Announced attendance for last night’s game at Camden Yards was 12,000. Man, that’s shitty. Superduper fantabulous prospect Matt Wieters makes his debut for the O’s tonight. Hopefully Baltimore can muster up at least 15,000 loyal Orioles fans to catch the debut of this Johnny Bench/Roy Campanella/Pudge Rodriguez/Mike Piazza hybrid. Baltimore is only 4 games under .500 and have the best last-place record in beisbol. Man, this division is good. Coming up: finshing up the 4 game set with Detroit, followed by two 3 game series – one at Seattle and one at Oakland. Read the rest of this entry »