Spencer is out again, this time, teaching Javy Lopez how to field a soft toss from 10 feet away, so instead of a full-blown recap, we found some texts from AL Central teams that they’d probably soon forget.
(773) Ozzie, how the fuck did you lose 14-0 to the BJ’s?
(1-773) I was having sex with children.
(773) lol
(216) Eric, you know if you don’t get this shit on track, we’re going to fire your ass right?
(202) Mr. Shapiro, this is David Wright. I think you put in the wrong number.
(202) But keep going about firing my ass…Carlos is on his period.
(313) How are we leading the divison?
(1-313) I think Verlander’s doing meth again.
(313) Do these pants make me look fat?
(1-313) No, Miguel, your fat makes you look fat. Seriously, mix in a salad.
(1-313) I need a smoke
(612) How are we hovering around .500 with a -28 run differential?
(1-612) Gardy, you can suckle my fleshy fun bridge.
(612) wtf? joe?
(1-612) this is ozzie…joe can’t talk. he’s gobbling my peen.
(612) i need more ranch dressing
(913) i woke up covered in bbq pulled pork with a tuxedo t-shirt on and no pants
(1-913) who is this?
(913) Greinke
(1-913) who?
(913) your best pitcher, trey
(1-913) lol…call me kermit cuz im goin piggin
The AL Central is still a tightly wound ball of suck with the Tiger’s taking the slim lead for least sucky. This thing is hard as hell to write every week because everyone sucks except for Zach Greinke and Grady Sizemore and the whole fucking division is one gigantic clusterfuck.
You want some insight? Howabout this…every fucking week so far, each team goes .500, except for the Indians. No team is consistent, hell, no team is even good. KC and Minny couldn’t score a run to save their lives, Detroit and Chicago are Jekyll and Hyde and the Indians, the best offensive club in the division, score eleventy billion runs every third game, and waste quality starts by their top 3 pitchers.
This is the same fucking story every week. The pitcher of the week is always Zach Greinke, the MVP of the week is always Grady Sizemore (because he’s the ONE elite player in the division who doesn’t have a double headed dildo faux-balls deep in their brown eye). Happy now?
So yea, that means to make this interesting I have to do things like pretend to be a fucking Ninja Lawyer or ripoff a funny blog’s idea just to make this thing interesting.
AL Central, I’m begging you…please stop with this suck. PLEASE. Sure, it’s still miles better than National League baseball, but I’d rather watch a football game between Indiana and Northwestern than watch another inning of the Twins stranding yet another runner or the Tribe pitchers getting shelled. Hopefully next week, I can write about something in detail, but I’ve been given no ammunition, no substance. And it’s killing me.
(419 area code) Rick the Tigers are fucking beasts. We are gonna win the World Series. Paris and yourself are complete genuises. Is it true you are hoarding swine flu vaccines?
So interesting is what you’re going for?
All kidding aside, the text thing was good.
this revelation is right up there with finding out that my dad was actually santa. thanks you fucking prick.
/runs away crying because those two revelations are too much to handle in one week
Since when does D-Wright have a (202) area code? The Fuck, Spencer? The Fuck?
oops…
/doesn’t give a shit
I’m gonna have clown photoshop Greinke’s face onto this picture, then print up t-shirts and sell them at the Royals games.
triston the zach attack deserves their own behind the msic. who knew that between being in a band and studying for finals would force jessie spano to become addicted to caffeine pills?
im so excited!,im so excited! im so…….scared
was i the only one who expected zach to try to get jessie to give him a bj to make her “feel better”?
If that had happened the studio audience would have had a brainsplosion. Hugging on that show caused the audince to “ohhhhhhhhhhh” their faces red.
actually it was a “whooOOOOOOOooooo”. any time ac took off his bomber jacket to reveal he was wearing a aqua blue tank top the crowd would “whooOOOOOOOooooo”
Hey Everybody BREAKING NEWS…David Wright struckout with a runner in scoring position…more to follow after I burn his house down.
BREAKING NEWS, the Orioles are actually fucking winning right now!
Zach Morris and his huge cell phone are demons of the past that we need to excise. Kapowski is not hot and AC Slater likes being teabagged. I saw Schreech perform in Toldeo two years ago, it was horrendous (thanfully I was still drinking).
/
actually threw a bottle at schreech
Rick, I have been meaning to talk to you about this, ummm..I think you may possibly have some sort of issue with Anger. Now I know, things sometimes are not what you would like them to be but, I was thinking you may sort of want to discuss that with someone.
/Harry Helpful
lies
Respectfully disagree on that one, she did get much hotter later on.
Is that Chester the Molester’s cousin?
whenever i got in trouble in school i would try to do the zach morris timeout so i could move my principal and his secretary in to sexual positions and give a the camera a big smile. unfortunately it never worked.
No thanks Roman. I think spitting on Paul Oneil and throwing bottles at Screech is acceptable.
/
Revs engine, burns out
Spitting on that bastion of Yankee Class, Paul O’Neill is always acceptable
It’s not a new number, just a changed number.
/Hyena’d
this needs its own post right now!
chocalate strawberry by darryl strawberry
my name is darryl but you can call me d
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol75BB7ly4k
Chocolate Rain > Chocolate Thunder > White Chocolate > Chocolat (for CRM) > white people > swine flue.
BUT
Chocolate Oreo Blizzards rule all.
f’n racist!
Rick, I’m sorry you didn’t get the memo sooner, but swine flu is now called hamAIDS.
Thanks
World Health Organization
Christ Spencer…This is funny stuff.