After last month’s debacle in which we got this up super duper late, I decided to get on the ball with April’s Jerk of the Month. This commenter burst onto the scene in recent months, and he has one of the best commenter names out there. Ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton’s Lazy Eye
1. First off, as we do with most of our Jerks of the Month, give us your story on how you found your way to MLJ:
I started out reading TBL and after a while got tired of reading extremely uninformed opinions about sports. TBL is like a sports blog for 12 year old neo conservative girls. I read some of the MLJ authors’ comments and thought I should take a look and confirm that you should all be wearing helmets. Surprisingly I found a place where I could make fun of people for being different than me, without the fear of someone trying to steal my identity, and that is the American way. It wasn’t until later that I learned that this blog is just another attempt for the Jews to control the media.
2. There are tons of great commenter names, but Paris Hilton’s Lazy Eye is one of the more original/hilarious out there. How on earth did you come up with it?
Lets be honest, Paris Hilton has no redeeming qualities except the ability to spread her legs (nttawwt). That being said, she was always in the tabloids and had her own TV show. A lot of people consider her to be hot, but I noticed that she had a lazy eye and looked a little downs. I took it upon myself to inform the world that Paris Hilton’s eye, much like the rest of her, is lazy. And really, people with lazy eyes should wear eye patches and spare the rest of us the awkwardness that comes from trying to figure out what the hell they are looking at.
3. Being a Michigan fan, give us a quick rundown on the direction you think the sports programs are headed in right now. I’ve heard a lot of Michigan fans are upset with Rich Rod, but I think the bball team will have massive improvements under Beilein. And feel free to drop some knowledge on the baseball and/or hockey team if you wish.
Last football season was really difficult. I knew it would be a down year, but I was not prepared for that level of suck. The argument I hear from people who dislike RichRod is that he should have tailored his system to his personnel. I disagree; coaches should teach what they know. RichRod is not a pro style offense expert. I mean, no one is asking Hef to teach them to act straight. I think that Rich Rod will get the program going in the right direction. He is getting the kind of players he was successful with at West Virginia (except more talented) and I think by 2010 Michigan will be back near the top of college football.
The basketball team was a pleasant surprise. I like Beilein as a coach, but I wonder if he will be able to wrestle control of the instate recruits away from Izzo. As it is now, he is recruiting tall, underfed white guys from Indiana. I think we they will be a solid but unspectacular team for the next few years. I will take it given the Ellerbe and Amaker eras.
The hockey program is always one of the top programs in the nation and will continue to be. They will return the majority of this year’s team next season. I’m not any sort of hockey expert, but I predict that the Michigan hockey team will continue to make the spartys their bitch.
4. Being a Tigers fan, you and I are mortal enemies this time of the year. Handicap their chances this year and tell us a bit about your favorite and least favorite players on the team.
I’m wasn’t all that optimistic about the Tigers, but early on their pitching has been better than expected, except for Lyon, he can rot in hell. I can see them winning or finishing second in that pile of shit called the AL Central. Hef thinks the Royals will win the division, but he also thinks that Jacoby Ellsbury is dreamy, so I don’t see it happening. The Indians are starting to succumb to the AIDS that have plagued Cleveland since the beginning of time. The White Sox have a bat shit insane manager who I see stabbing a pitcher after a tough loss in July leading the police to find the dead hooker that he has had in his trunk for six months. The Twins are a sucky team that plays in a sucky stadium in a state that is famous for a mall.
My favorite player on the team is probably Cabrera. Miggy is taking the Babe Ruth route to greatness by eating a lot, not injecting himself with the roids. My least favorite would be that piece of shit Lyon. Lyon announced his arrival by giving up 4 home runs in a row to Boston in spring training and then single handedly losing a game to the Blue Jays (see my angry rant in the comment section). I’m a little upset with Leyland so far, he is destroying Marcus Thames MVP run by not playing him. The Tigers need Thames MVP like .241 batting average and ability to strike out one third of the time (it’s true, look it up).
5. The Tigers brought 20 year old Rick Porcello up to the bigs this year. He’s a heralded prospect but being from the Northeast doesn’t have the experience of a lot of 20 year olds and his minor league numbers aren’t as impressive as you like. Do you think this could stunt his growth or are you fine with the move?
Porcello could use a season in the minors, but the Tigers had no choice, he was one of the top 5 pitchers on the team (Zach Miner is starting!!). I hope he gives us a year like Verlander’s first year without the drop off afterwards.
I think there should be a weekly feature about Marcus Thames, kind of like Panda Watch. Also, Hef needs to stop pushing his gay, Mexican loving agenda on the rest of us.
OK quickies to end:
Favorite Food: Bacon blue cheese burger
Favorite Band: Kings of Leon
Weirdest sounding country: Mexico? Sounds dirty.
Favorite city on Earth: Whales Vagina California
Hottest woman on Earth: Marissa Miller although Vida Guerra has a fantastic ass, I wanna be friends with it.
Congrats on the Hot Clicks link.
However, its a shame it murdered your server.
Absolutely destroyed us.
I blame the Jews.
bush’s fault.
This guy sounds awesome.
Paris’ moment in the spotlight all goes for not due to hot clicks. If this post had been bumped like Hef promised, this wouldn’t have happened.
/stigs’d
Paris, were you ever a commenter at TBL?
Thanks for the kind words on the blog.