In order to keep you up to date on the goings on of all the divisions around the league, we will be providing a weekly update on each division.
Earlier today, the US Department of Science confirmed that the American League East is the most beastmodiest division in the history of evar, perhaps even stronger that college football’s Big XII South.
Biggest Positive Surprise: The Toronto Blue Jays. Most prognosticators picked the BJ’s to finish no better than 4th, but they’ve gotten off to a hot start and sit in first place. Howeva…they’ve played nothing but suckass, pieces of shit AL Central teams, so I guess their record has to be taken with a grain of salt.
Flukiest Fluke of the week: The Baltiwhore Orioles. While it’s true that they’ve won each of their series, they have a season run differential of -13. It’s about time for them to come down to Earth.
Biggest Negative of the Week: The Boston Red Sox. To continue my Big XII analogy, they are like the Texas A&M of the AL East. Their players are not attractive, their uniforms are full of blah, they have a bunch of sheep-fucking fans, and worst of all they suck. You’ll see – now that they are in their proper place (last place), sales of pink hats will plummet nationwide.
Biggest Negative Surprise: The Tampa Rays just can’t close games. They’ve had the lead or been tied in each of their losses but one.
Hard Luck Loser of the Week: Joba Ranks. On Sunday, Chamberlain went 6 innings, giving up a run on 4 hits and had 6 K’s. The bullpen proceeded to mess things up and give the Royals the lead before Mariano could come in and save the day. Now, you’re gonna have a bunch of dumbass Yankee fans insisting that Joba belongs in the bullpen.
Biggest Injury of the Week: Dice-K. The indefatigable Japanese star had to go on the DL because of his extra work in the World Baseball Classic. Of course, all of those racist cocksucker Red Sox fans found this the perfect time to denigrate all things Japanese. (Source: The Speculative Gazette)
Biggest Loss of the Week: The Orioles losing to the Rangers yesterday 19-6. Seriously, Kris Benson was pitching for Texas. There’s no reason any team should be scoring less than 10 runs against him. Even the Tigers were able to rock him. (The Tigers!?!)
Things to Look Forward to: The Yankees open their glorious new stadium this weekend against the Indians. Baltimore and Boston start a four game set on Friday at Fenway. The Rays go to Chicago for 4 games starting tonight, and Toronto hosts 3 against Oaktown.
Ortiz fucking sucks
The Red Sox have awesome unis. You retarded or something?
And like I said last night, they should just let all of the teams in the AL East into the postseason and tell the rest of the AL to fuck off.
“Dumbass Yankee fans” is redundant.
Wow, I was all excited to see that Clown authored the AL Beast week in review and then read this.
Please, someone take the knife out of my back.
Cbh, a bad run differential like that is not a good indicator. You guys have a great offense but your pitching is still weak. Of all the AL East teams, however, I hate yours the least.
i second this…sawx unis rawk.
how can you possibly hate the BJ’s? a) they’re canadian so they’re super nice and smell like maple syrup, b) peter angelos doesn’t own them and c) cal ripken never played for them.
That might be the only way the Red Sox get in to the playoffs.
/cause they suck
I agree Hef, the pitching is still a couple years away. I consider you saying you hate us the least akin to someone taking Clown’s knife out of my back, so thanks for that.
If they are in first place next week, they’ll be my biggest positive surprise. Book it.
As of today the Orioles are my second favorite AL team.
/
goes to mall, buys hat
The series against the Sawx will be very telling.
Wow, who would have thought that the team that in the top 5 in runs scored, would score a lot of runs? Crazy.
I guess if they didn’t say “Boston” or “Red Sox” or be worn by a bunch of pasty, pink-hatted roid-fueled racists, I would consider them to be somewhat decent.
Hey Hef, Ortiz for Soria and Qualls
you do have a point here, but you have to admit, those home unis under the lights at fenway? GOLD!
Clown, is it cold up there on your high horse?
Today is the one time that I will be rooting for the Indians. Plus it would be pretty sweet for the Indians to knock their old teammate around.
Soria is gold right now. With all of the shitty closers fucking this up, having a dependable saves machine is more important than a home run hitter. Sorry.
/Clown sucks
Anyone know where I can get a D Rose Authentic(XXL) online?
See, this is how dumb you are. I hate the Yankees and even I can admit their unis are pretty tight. The Red Sox unis are awesome. No denying that.
Here you go, Bo. XXL would probably be a 52.
http://store.nba.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3323149&cp=1421535.2806548.2804336
why did david price get sent back to the minors?
Because you touch yourself.
That’s always the reason.
/kicks dirt
Anyone know where I can get a Jon Amechi XXL?
/
Hef
i see.
LOL!
Spencer Looks like Ole’Uncle Cliffy might be back to him old self.
Paulus to Michigan official:
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4073430
Actually I should have read that, I am completely wrong.
-5 for me and loss of down.
Me talk pretty one day.
Hef shut you mouth. You boner burglar.
You sure do talk about boners a lot.
After seeing the Sox in Person Friday against the Angels three thing became clear to me.
1. Ortiz look slimmer, but still fat. The combination of stopping your roid injection andunsuccessful lap band surgery leads to porr hitting.
2. Pedroia is 25 and uses Rogaine? He has less hair than Larry David. I was so close I could see the Minoxidil residue. Can someone check the kid’s birth certificate? Are we certain he’s not Dominican?
3. Youkilis bats like a girl. Sure he’s hitting but somewhere in a Boston closet there is a set of size 12 pink, high heels screaming for a night out on the town.
4. I Should some less weed before I post
don’t do it.
weed = genius (or the illusion of…either works)