In a move so sad that it could only come from the Friendly Confines, a Chicago man announced that he has created a cemetery lot for Cubs fans who want to spend the hereafter wallowing with other dead losers.
A red brick wall designed to resemble the one in dead center at Wrigley Field has been erected in a Chicago cemetery and is ready to accept the cremated remains of Cubs fans — inside $800 Cubbie blue and white urns if they wish…the wall with its stained-glass scoreboard has what Fans Forever president Dennis Mascari likes to call “skyboxes” to accommodate 288 “season-ticket holders.”
So it’s just a cemetery lot for Cubs fans? That’s it? Sure that’s pathetic and sad and all but I mean…well, we expect that sort of thing from Cubs fans, right? Hold on, there’s more. Turns out, the designer of the place wanted to make it extra comfy for the living too so he decided to create a sitting parlor for Cubs fans to talk to the urns about bad Cubs front office moves. Talk about needing an eternity.
There are four seats from Wrigley where loved ones can sit and recall shared afternoons at the ballpark or relive yet again those conversations about how the Cubs let Lou Brock go to the hated Cardinals and didn’t resign Greg Maddux.
“You can bring your family out here, you can have a game of catch,” said Mascari, who envisions the 32-foot-long wall at Bohemian National Cemetery as a sort of eternal field of dreams. “You can sit here and feel like you’re at the ballpark.”
“Hey kids, you wanna go down to the park?”
“The one with the slides and teeter-totter?”
“Fuck that noise. We’re going down to look at dead Cubs fans and sit in chairs that were too uncomfortable even for Wrigley Fucking Field.”
“That sounds miserable.”
“Get used to it, we’re Cubs fans.”
So the package includes an urn with an officially licensed MLB logo, a spot in a wall that sort of looks like a stadium that will probably be torn down in the next 10 years, and a membership in some dead frat boy hall of fame? Anything else? Any die hard fans getting the royal treatment?
Betzold said he thinks his dad has purchased the “Grand Slam” package that includes a service, bronze baseball card plaque, Cubs urn, and one of the roomier spots in the wall that’s big enough to accommodate that urn.
A baseball card plaque?!?!? Like the Hall of Fame? I hope that fake nostalgia costs extra to prove it’s worthiness!
I think the benefit for Cubs fans is they can be buried next to or on top of other gay frat boy cubs fans and finally embrace their blatant homosexuality in the afterlife.
Everyday I thank God I was not raised in a Cubs household. And that my parents weren’t Italian.
You dodged a bullet on that one.
/turbo pun
+1 Paris.
Jews believe in God? I learn something new everyday.
no no no…you got it wrong. YOU weren’t good enough to be born to italian parents.
As long as it doesn’t interfere with their football.
Cubs Suck.
/Didnt read it
//in Bob Sugar mode
So do we
Signed,
The Italians
+gaba-gool
The Fila jumpsuit makers and gold chain producers wish that Hef were Italian.
And to think I felt like a douchebag when I bought that tie with the MLB logo in it.