All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
By now you’ve probably noticed that you haven’t seen anything written from me in a while. You may not have noticed it right away. By last Tuesday or so, you probably thought to yourself, “you know what, this place has really sucked this week”. It’s possible that you didn’t even realize why you thought that. But by Wednesday, you probably thought to yourself, “you know what, I was right yesterday when I thought this place has really sucked this week”. And then by Thursday, you probably thought to yourself, “Where the fuck is Happy? Ha, now I know why this place has really sucked this week. Happy has been gone and I love that guy. He’s so funny and popular. Plus he’s good-looking. At least I assume he’s good-looking based on how funny and popular he is.”
Okay first, thank you for those kind thoughts. Second, I apologize for my extended absence, but all last week I was on assignment for MLJ in the Dominican to research how easy it is to go there and purchase steroids. I was skeptical of the assignment at first because I’ve heard there are a lot of Mexican-speaking natives that live there. And if there’s one thing I hate about Mexican-speaking natives, it’s how they speak Mexican. But when Hef offered to provide me with his credit card and a plane ticket, I agreed to go.
Upon my arrival in the D.R., I was surprised to learn that most of the Mexican-speaking natives there are black. It was a shock to the system, you know? It was like a breeding-ground of two different minorities. For example, you’re familiar with the United States, right? So you know that the U.S. is made up predominantly of whites, blacks, and Mexicans. Well in the D.R., there are whites, but then more of a black/Mexican hybrid. It’s fascinating. I had seen David Ortiz and Alfonso Soriano on television a few times, but I had no idea that the whole population looked and talked like them.
Above is a picture of me in the lobby of my hotel the first day I was there. My wife took the picture. Don’t tell Hef, but I charged her plane ticket to his credit card. There was no way I was going to go to a foreign country by myself. Plus my wife was just as interested as I was in how easy it is to purchase steroids in the Dominican, so it was a no-brainer for her to come.
That’s a picture of me drinking a fruity drink. I think it was a pina colata. Did I mention that the resort where we stayed was all-inclusive? Oh man, all-inclusive is the fucking shizz. So they give you this wrist-band, and as long as you’re wearing it, you can go up to any of the bars in this place and order whatever the fuck you want and they’ll give it to you for free. No cost, no tip, nothing. You just go up to the bartender and say ”hola, dos cervesas” and the dude will hand you two beers. Or you can say “hola, dos mai tais” and he’ll hand you two mai tais. It was fucking awesome.
This is what the view looked like from my balcony. Right below me was one of the 3 or 4 pools and off in the distance was the ocean. This picture was taken in the morning, but an hour from then, the pool would be filled with scantily-clad women. If there’s one thing I like about scantily-clad women, it’s how they’re scantily-clad. Also, there were plenty of French people at my resort. This was bitter-sweet. On the one hand, I got to see lots of free-flowing boobage just walking around like free-flowing boobage. On the other hand, I also had to see lots of junk. Not good. I hadn’t seen this much man-meat since my bachelor party when my friends took me to that place…you know what, never mind that. My point is there was lots of French C & B. It was a little too familiar for my taste.
To give you an idea of what I mean, this is a picture of me at the pool. Pay no attention to my pasty torso. I’m from Illinois and I think this was day 1. Anyway, look in the background. The woman on the right was walking around like that and not thinking twice about it. Unfortunately, the man to her left did the same.
Ha!
C’mon, that’s clever.
I’m not sure what this picture is all about. Oh wait yes I do. It’s a sign that says “no running” in 4 different languages. Or in our case, it says “not running”. Morons. I took this picture because the last line of the sign reminded me of the first line in that Offspring song. Gunter glieben glauchen globen. Irrelevant to steroids research? Perhaps.
This is me relaxing in a chair at night. I may have been drunk from 12 straight hours of an alcohol/sun combo, plus I had just eaten a free tenderloin. The steak was awesome, but it was only 8 ounces. What a fuckin’ scam.
Anyway, that was pretty much it. My wife and I ate, drank, swam, people-watched, and got plenty of sun. I never did find anyone who was willing to sell me steroids, but to be fair, I never asked anyone either. Oddly enough, the topic never came up. I guess if I learned anything, it’s that the Dominican locals aren’t out on the street peddling the stuff. So there’s that.
All in all, it was a terrific way to spend Hef’s money. I couldn’t have asked for more than that.
Did you get the roids?
/
Great work
I’m confused. Why isn’t the sky all gray and crappy in those pictures? Where’s the snow? Why are people smiling?!
/the state of Ohio
/equal opportunity burn!
You look short.
It’s not free if you had to pay for it up front as part of the All-inclusive. But I guess it was free if you spent Hef’s money. So you had free steak
/Had to think that one through in writing
Fuck off Hef. I just got an email from Tuscon saying you suck as well.
The camera removes 4 inches. I could prove it to you in some other pictures that I didn’t publish.
I have a hard time believing a jew would let you use his credit card…or that he’d even have a credit card.
I’d like to think that Hef has a credit card, because he carried absolutely no cash in Mexico.
offspring? seriously?
THAT WAS DEF LEPPARD YOU NUTSACK. im seriously offended right now.
Happy was also excited when he heard Smooth Criminal on the radio by the original artists, Alien Ant Farm.
I don’t live in Tucson, dummy. And I rarely carry cash. How is that a character flaw?
I will not apologize for that detail. I share Fetch’s stance on this.
It’s true. I learned about this in Balls of Fury.
this was the song Happy correctly pointed to
/
J-Mac Outtie
Not a character flaw, just thought jews didn’t borrow money.
while that offspring song may have come out in 1998, i believe that def leppard’s rock of ages, which was released in 1983, would be the originator of that little voice thingee.
and all it is is producer mutt lange (former mr. shania twain and all-time great producer) doing some cute little countdown thing that eased the tension of the band.
/jmorris
Just saying that my boy Tuscon is overrun with Mexican drug cartels and says Phoenix is next. Ohio is the end game of mexican law breakers. Know your role.
Ohio, why do you smell so bad?
Is that the equivalent of me being pissed when some idiot doesnt realize Kanye just ripped off Marvin? If so, point taken, carry on.
Lake Erie and Nuclear Power
Rick, am I the “some idiot” in that scenario? If so, you can stop helping me now.
yes. and will do.
no, I too would be an idoit. I dont pay attention to obscure Def Leppard stuff. I instantly knew what song you were talking about.
obscure?
it was on pyromania, one of the biggest albums of the 80’s, and was the no. 1 rock song on the billboard charts. i wish i wrote something that obscure.
/angry jmorris
sounds racist.
If its not Pour Some Sugar on Me or Let’s Get Rocked, I have no use for Def Leppard. Occasionly a one-armed drummer joke, but those can be satisfied via Fugitive references.
Its good to see that the drummer from Def Leppard, having only one arm, is still able to beat his wife.
Your analysis of the Mexican/black hybrids was great. Just the way I thought it would be.
Spencer Def Leppard sucks. You know it.
this is true. looking back, i don’t know why i even bothered standing up for them.
oh, wait, that’s right…for as bad as def leppard sucks, offspring is even worse. if i had my way, every member of the offspring would be beheaded and their heads would be placed on the end of a pike and fixed at the top of my castle gate.
You’re gonna go far kid.
I kind of liked Offspring. Or, at least “Smash”, which is the best selling indie record of all time. “Ixnay On The Hombre” was the start downhill, but still a solid record. We won’t talk about the abomination that is “Americana” or anything afterwards.