Guest Post: Take That You Fat Americans

In the spirit of equal airtime, I have allowed the creator of our sister site in Japan, Majol Reague Jelk, have the opportunity to gloat about Japan’s victory over the US in last night’s semifinal game of the WBC.  I have made no attempt to edit this post.

Hello, stupid fat Americans.  It is a beautiful day to be alive in the greatest country in the world.  No, I am not talking about America with it’s high unemployment, high obesity rates, and low education marks.  I am talking about Japan, the only remaining civilized nation on the planet.  Japan is what America claims to be.  We have cornered the market on scientific innovation which allows us to provide jobs to our highly educated workforce; we have transformed ourselves from a superstitious nation that once worshiped idols into one that values logical thought; and we have shed the prude sexual inhibitions of our ancestors to the point where we lead the world in sexual experimentation.  No other nation draws or films the creepy shit we do.  There is no use denying this.

Do not worry that you were beaten by our magnificent team 9-4.  There is just as much dishonor in losing 1-0 as there is in losing 9-4.  Losing is losing.  And it is this subject which I would like to discuss today.

Unlike you fat Americans, we Japanese do not treat the World Baseball Classic as a practice for the regular season.  You think it is a joke to lose this match while Japan approaches it with honor.  Baseball is not  a game in Japan.  We take it very seriously.  When we train our children, we teach them (properly) that there is shame in losing, no matter the reason.  While visiting your country, I heard the Little League oath and openly laughed at the line: “win or lose I will always do my best.”  You stupid, fat, ugly Americans…don’t you know that losing means you didn’t do your best?

But in Japan we are not sore losers.  So I will offer you advice to improve your team next time.

1. Get rid of fat strikeout man.  Adam Dunn struck out three times and left four men on base.  He is far too fat to play in the outfield and it is apparent that he does not know how to catch a ball.
2. Focus on finding outfielders who know how to play outfield.  Like fat strikeout man, Mr. Braun has no idea how to play left field.  I have heard that he also once tried playing third base.  This is also a mistake.  He should be moved to the American League.
3.  Get rid of Derek Jeter and replace him with Jimmy Rollins.  This seems apparent.  I understand that you are honoring Mr. Jeter’s accomplishments by allowing him to start but this causes greater dishonor to American team when they lose.
4. Make Malcom in the Middle star give more autographs.  We love that show in Japan but he is very rude in person.

We look forward to winning the second World Baseball Classic to bring our total to 2-0.  Should we lose, there will be no need to call us up to mock us as there are samurai swords aboard the plane for our ritualistic seppuku.  Losing is not an option in Japan.  Death is a far better alternative.

Ishii Kawasaki is the founder/editor/honor-critiquor of Majol Reague Jelk.  He can be reached at moishimoishi@majolreaguejelk.com